DH doesn't believe in Grand Gestures

[Anonymous]

Fine. But the little gestures are once in a blue moon. I hate it, it makes me feel not picky and naggy to bring it up, but literally I feel like I am never at the front of his mind. Work first, himself second. DC a distant third and me somewhere after. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, random Fridays...are all ignored by him. He is more than happy to celebrate them, is not doing it out of meaness or manipulation. Just doesn't occur to him. I feel like he was better about it the first two years we were dating, and then we were both so wrapped up in our careers I could forgive and make excuses. The thing is, he uses work as the excuse, and it isn't that I don't believe work is stressful, but so is my line of work. My day is busy to. If I talk to him about it, he is defensive, and then clearly embarrassed with himself/hard on himself though not particularly apologetic and nothing changes moving forward. How can approach this? We've tried me just telling him, "here's what gift I would like for x occasion" but the reality is, after a few rounds of that, it is more the idea that he spent more
Than two min thinking about me, and what I might need/want/like. This is not the result of gift giving gone wrong, (other than none) and it really isn't about the gift. This could also be, "honey I filled up the gas tank for you" or "I scheduled the babysitter, because I want to take you out" (he says he wants to go out regularly but doesn't plan any aspect of making that happen, meaning it falls on me completely to do it.) Looking for constructive advice.

[Anonymous]

Married almost 20 years here, happily married. I'm just going to make some sweeping generalizations, so get ready. In general:

Men don't think that way. Stop expecting your DH to read your mind and know what you want, and imagine what it's like to be you and dealing with all the stuff that you have to deal with. If he could do that, he'd be your girlfriend, not your DH.

Tell him what you want. NOT "I want to you fill up the gas tank for me every now and then." But "Honey, can you fill up the gas tank?"
NOT "You didn't get me anything for Mother's Day." but "Honey, Sunday May 12 is Mother's Day, and since the kids are too little, I need you to make me pancakes. And a cute card from the kids" or "I'd like a silver necklace from X store."

Ok sure, not as romantic. But realistic. And the road you are starting to go down in your OP is not going to lead anywhere but to disappointment.

And then when you ask him to do something specific, he does it, be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married almost 20 years here, happily married. I'm just going to make some sweeping generalizations, so get ready. In general:

Men don't think that way. Stop expecting your DH to read your mind and know what you want, and imagine what it's like to be you and dealing with all the stuff that you have to deal with. If he could do that, he'd be your girlfriend, not your DH.

Tell him what you want. NOT "I want to you fill up the gas tank for me every now and then." But "Honey, can you fill up the gas tank?"
NOT "You didn't get me anything for Mother's Day." but "Honey, Sunday May 12 is Mother's Day, and since the kids are too little, I need you to make me pancakes. And a cute card from the kids" or "I'd like a silver necklace from X store."

Ok sure, not as romantic. But realistic. And the road you are starting to go down in your OP is not going to lead anywhere but to disappointment.

And then when you ask him to do something specific, he does it, be happy!

NP here. Married 13 years. It would be a slow death for me if I had to spell out for my husband on a weekly basis how I need him to be thoughtful. What's the point of that?

A few years into our marriage, I succeeded in "making" my husband more thoughtful. I was able to genuinely and thoroughly communicate my expectations over the course of several conversations, both in and out of marital counseling. He was able to see how sincerely important it was to me, and he made being thoughtful important to himself. Similarly, I've been receptive to other things that are important to him. Something must have stuck because he kept it up all through the baby and little kid years and still hasn't regressed.

OP, he can change. He just has to be the kind of partner who is interested in supporting his spouse's needs. It will always help if he feels his needs are being met, too.

[Anonymous]

Given that all of these are about serving you for doing things for you, I wonder if part of the issue is that you feel he isn't pulling his weight in general. Do you need him to go above and beyond in gesture because you were the one going above and beyond in the day to day stuff?

[Anonymous]

This is part of why I'm divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fine. But the little gestures are once in a blue moon. I hate it, it makes me feel not picky and naggy to bring it up, but literally I feel like I am never at the front of his mind. Work first, himself second. DC a distant third and me somewhere after. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, random Fridays...are all ignored by him. He is more than happy to celebrate them, is not doing it out of meaness or manipulation. Just doesn't occur to him. I feel like he was better about it the first two years we were dating, and then we were both so wrapped up in our careers I could forgive and make excuses. The thing is, he uses work as the excuse, and it isn't that I don't believe work is stressful, but so is my line of work. My day is busy to. If I talk to him about it, he is defensive, and then clearly embarrassed with himself/hard on himself though not particularly apologetic and nothing changes moving forward. How can approach this? We've tried me just telling him, "here's what gift I would like for x occasion" but the reality is, after a few rounds of that, it is more the idea that he spent more
Than two min thinking about me, and what I might need/want/like. This is not the result of gift giving gone wrong, (other than none) and it really isn't about the gift. This could also be, "honey I filled up the gas tank for you" or "I scheduled the babysitter, because I want to take you out" (he says he wants to go out regularly but doesn't plan any aspect of making that happen, meaning it falls on me completely to do it.) Looking for constructive advice.

Get that 5 love languages book. Have him read it. Explain that gifts are your love language. Hopefully that will make it clear to him.

[Anonymous]

This is where you make a choice: either tell him exactly what you need and book reminders into his calendar, or learn to see that he loves you in his own way. Or, you know, just keep making yourself unhappy.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure at this point if this is you or him. Are we talking about basic consideration for you, like checking in with you if you would like a cup of coffee when he is getting up to get one? Or are we talking about you making a crucible out of every Hallmark holiday and feeling slighted if he has not recognized it and you in some way?

The former is not acceptable in any partner. The latter is you making an issue and being a diva and frankly being impossible to live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I'm divorced now.

Me, too. Aside from the little things I also took care of everything around the house and everything else (finances, vacation planning, etc). It was such an unhealthy codependent relationship. I'm not sure if the OP is dealing with similar things but if it's her DH's failure to seem to care about her ON TOP of her having to handle everything else herself, that's a recipe for disaster. I was always dead last on the totem pole in my family, after my ex, the kids, the pets, the cars, the household and pretty much anything and everything else. If I had recognized it sooner I may have been able to salvage the marriage. But it went on for too long and th marriage died a slow and painful death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married almost 20 years here, happily married. I'm just going to make some sweeping generalizations, so get ready. In general:

Men don't think that way. Stop expecting your DH to read your mind and know what you want, and imagine what it's like to be you and dealing with all the stuff that you have to deal with. If he could do that, he'd be your girlfriend, not your DH.

Tell him what you want. NOT "I want to you fill up the gas tank for me every now and then." But "Honey, can you fill up the gas tank?"
NOT "You didn't get me anything for Mother's Day." but "Honey, Sunday May 12 is Mother's Day, and since the kids are too little, I need you to make me pancakes. And a cute card from the kids" or "I'd like a silver necklace from X store."

Ok sure, not as romantic. But realistic. And the road you are starting to go down in your OP is not going to lead anywhere but to disappointment.

And then when you ask him to do something specific, he does it, be happy!

I think it is romantic. And you what you really want. It appeals to men's minds to be efficient. The guessing game and mind reading is subordinating and masculine men will not put up with it over time. Being realistic is a survival strategy.

[Anonymous]

Read the book the Five Love Languages. I could say more but really, just read the book.

[Anonymous]

It's nit always about you but sounds like that's how you want it to be. If you want him to be more sensitive to your needs you need to take the time to understand and be as sensitive to his needs (whatever they may be). Haven't heard any of that from you (OP) or others here.

[Anonymous]

My husband has ADHD and Asperger's tendencies. Thinking about other people is hard for him. He does occasionally make very thoughtful decisions for others, for example he ordered all my favorite rosebushes, but they will hardly ever coincide with special dates on the calendar!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or, you know, just keep making yourself unhappy.

Yeah, you title the thread as having to do with grand gestures, and then complain that he doesn't fill your gas tank.

Why are you making yourself unhappy? Want what you have.

[Anonymous]

For years all I wanted was for my ex to say, knowing I needed an oil change, "Hey, drive my car tomorrow and I'll take yours in for the oil change." (He worked from home, less than half a mile from the place where we got oil changes).

He would never offer (and I told him for multiple years that was all I wanted for my birthday, lol), if I asked there was always a reason why it wasn't a good day to do it.

Or when I went grocery shopping, to help carry in bags.

That kind of consideration and kindness.

I don't see those as grand gestures, just thoughtfulness.