Domestic violence and young adult DD

post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
[Post New]04/14/2016 10:41
quote
Anonymous
OP here. Yes, my DH has been tempted to confront this kid (believe me!). But everything we have read, and everything that's been posted here, says not to do that. It's a situation where her physical safety is truly at stake. He will find a way to hurt her more if my DH confronts him, I believe. And then she won't confide in us. I am trying to gather our resources behind the scenes, document, get her to the doctor, the Dean, her counselor, the police. We are doing what we can in a tricky situation. Sigh.
[Post New]04/14/2016 10:52
quote
TwistdMike
Member Offline
I wouldn't report anything. A mysterious hunting, fishing accident. End of story...
[Post New]04/14/2016 10:56
quote
Anonymous
PP again. You guys would know best, but it might be time for a protection order. They are fairly easy to obtain, especially after physical injury and police involvement. But it would be necessary for your daughter to want to leave him. Obviously it doesn't do any good to get a protection order and for her to not want to be separated from him. It could actually backfire and get her arrested for violating it herself (it shouldn't happen, but it happens all the time).

When you see her this weekend, you might want to ask her how she sees herself staying safe. Like what plan does she have when physical violence happens again? Who can she call? How will she get out of there? What does she need to make that happen - in other words, develop a safety plan. The hotline workers can assist you in that, and there's also a section in Break the Cycle's web page about helping a friend that I believe addresses some of that. Your daughter needs to be an active participant in her safety planning while you guys figure out how to extricate her safely from this guy.

I know it's incredibly hard and you want to say, "just leave the guy, presto, all problems are solved" but it often doesn't work that way. Sometimes that works of course, but you never really know who you're dealing with until you put the plans to leave in motion. Statistically speaking she's at her highest risk when and right after leaving (so PP, that's why you just beat the guy up and call it done).

[Post New]04/14/2016 10:57
quote
Anonymous
It takes an immense amount of strength to leave an abuduce situation. He has probably broken her down badly already making her feel unable to leave. Wishing you and her the best. It won't be easy but with a strong support system around her I hope she can get out of it.

I agree it's imperative to support her no matter what, even if she goes back.
[Post New]04/14/2016 11:08
quote
TwistdMike
Member Offline
Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?
[Post New]04/14/2016 12:42
quote
Anonymous
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.
[Post New]04/14/2016 12:46
quote
TwistdMike
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.


It is that simple.

Whatever deity he believes in, he would fear. If nothing else, he would fear me.
[Post New]04/14/2016 12:49
quote
Anonymous
TwistdMike wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.


It is that simple.

Whatever deity he believes in, he would fear. If nothing else, he would fear me.


And once you had proved your masculinity, you would be arrested, he would likely NOT be arrested, and he would take out his anger (which would be justified, even though he's a shitty person) on the woman you were "protecting." Who might end up dead.

Great job. Wonderful parenting.

OP, listen to the PP with the sensible constructive advice. Do not listen to Rambo here.
[Post New]04/14/2016 12:53
quote
Anonymous
Is she away at college? (sounds like it, if you say you will be visiting her).

Will she be coming home for the summer? When does school end?

IE, can you keep her safe enough to get her home and away from this guy for a significant period of time? Then, you can help her work on her self esteem this summer so when she goes back she is able to break away.
[Post New]04/14/2016 12:59
quote
Anonymous
TwistdMike wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.


It is that simple.

Whatever deity he believes in, he would fear. If nothing else, he would fear me.


The bravado is admirable and I, like most men, would viscerally want to do the same.

Rationally, though, doing that could be really damaging to DD. To yank her out like that, rather than helping her extricate herself in her own way, would simply ensure that she will no longer believe in herself and her own ability.

Pay attention to the PPs. Part of parenting is letting her know she's safe and you will do everything you can to help her execute the choices she makes. Of course, helping her make those choices is part of the program. But choosing for her simply crushes even more her sense of autonomy.
[Post New]04/14/2016 13:10
quote
TwistdMike
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.


It is that simple.

Whatever deity he believes in, he would fear. If nothing else, he would fear me.


And once you had proved your masculinity, you would be arrested, he would likely NOT be arrested, and he would take out his anger (which would be justified, even though he's a shitty person) on the woman you were "protecting." Who might end up dead.

Great job. Wonderful parenting.

OP, listen to the PP with the sensible constructive advice. Do not listen to Rambo here.


According to OP, there is physical abuse...

Maybe because I am from the south, but it is the fathers resposibilty to ensure his family is safe. Either directly or approving someone who can provide that safe zone.

If that someone cannot provide the safe zone, then it is the families job to protect. Whatever recourse or method you feel is adequate.

I for one will not stand idly by knowing my DD is in a physically abusive atmosphere.

Tread on me, I dare you.
[Post New]04/14/2016 13:13
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
TwistdMike wrote:Get her out of there. There wouldn't be any going back.

Appears she is not capable of making rational decisions, you may have to assist?


Did you read anything that the PP posted?

It is not that simple, ever.


It is that simple.

Whatever deity he believes in, he would fear. If nothing else, he would fear me.


The bravado is admirable and I, like most men, would viscerally want to do the same.

Rationally, though, doing that could be really damaging to DD. To yank her out like that, rather than helping her extricate herself in her own way, would simply ensure that she will no longer believe in herself and her own ability.

Pay attention to the PPs. Part of parenting is letting her know she's safe and you will do everything you can to help her execute the choices she makes. Of course, helping her make those choices is part of the program. But choosing for her simply crushes even more her sense of autonomy.


I agree with the pps course of action, but my heart is with twistedmike.
[Post New]04/14/2016 20:34
quote
Anonymous
This entire situation shows that your marriage has areas of trouble that need to be worked on. Marriage takes a mutual heart of love and respect for the other person. You are both responsible for your child, and for the income of your family. One person doesn't need to be marginalized or elevated. What this situation shows is that you need to work on your ability to communicate in a considerate way, to exclude outside people (relatives) in decisions you make together and to work on setting a list of priorities. I am sure this is not the first difficulty you both have had. I imagine there is a pattern of rough decisions being made that are not mutual.


If you can't work on talking and listening to each other respectfully the entire marriage will suffer, since communication is what a solid relationship is built upon. It is the foundation of a marriage. So I would try to discuss it calmly again with a willingness to hear out each other and if you can't do it alone go to a counselor.


You have very valid points, but at this junction in your marriage the solution to this problem is not the major issue, the ability to communicate in a healthy way and to come to mutual decisions is.
[Post New]04/14/2016 20:56
quote
Anonymous
I think you may have posted on the wrong thread, PP.
[Post New]04/14/2016 21:00
quote
Anonymous
I keep thinking about Yeardly Love.

I would find a way to get my daughter away from school/campus. She can make up her exams/classes at a later date. School can be out on hold.

It's time for lots and lots of counseling.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a nightmare.
post reply Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Message Quick Reply
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics