Domestic violence and young adult DD

[Anonymous]

I would take her out of college. Stop paying for it or financially supporting her. She needs to get home and get into therapy.

[Anonymous]

PPs all have good points. I'd just like to add make sure she's on reliable birth control!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep thinking about Yeardly Love.

I would find a way to get my daughter away from school/campus. She can make up her exams/classes at a later date. School can be out on hold.

It's time for lots and lots of counseling.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a nightmare.

NP here. Holy cow, that didn't even occur to me. Scary.

OP, I have BTDT except it was rarely physical. You are exactly right to not have any contact with the boyfriend. It's surprising that he hasn't tried to poison your daughter against you yet... or if he has, it isn't working because she knows you love her. You are doing everything the right way. It's a terrible analogy, but it's similar to dealing with an addict--they can't change unless they know they need to. She isn't going to leave until she knows she is strong enough. Or until the semester ends and she goes back home. But you need to get her into some de-programming counseling ASAP.

Also agree with other PPs who said make sure she's on birth control and to pull her out before finals and get an exception for her to take them later. I don't think you mentioned how far away this college is. Is it in your city?

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to share a resource for you AND your daughter --

loveisrespect.org

I particularly love their "quizzes" -- like, "is my relationship healthy" and "can abusers change"?

Fortunately, school is almost over on most college campuses. I would focus on getting your daughter to come home for the summer and cutting off contact with the abuser.

If that works, you can begin to prepare her for resisting the inevitable attempts by the abuser to re-establish contact. You can also explore over the summer what resources the school has to ensure that there is no contact. Whether she wants to seek a restraining order, etc.

Regarding the latter (school), I would be very careful. Schools, in the context of sexual assault, have proven themselves by and large unwilling and unable to protect their students. Safety of female students, even those experiencing verbal or physical abuse, as opposed to a sexual assault, is a Title IX equity issue. Female students have a right to be safe on campus from unwanted abuse of any type. Your daughter may need support and guidance if the school is not appropriately responsive.

I myself was in an emotionally abusive relationship and finally left the second time he threatened to hit me. I really think no contact is an important part of ending the cycle.

I also really would encourage LAC rather than something like the pill. Long-acting contraceptives like an IUD ensure that pregnancy will never end up being something that cements her to her abuser.

[Anonymous]

I can't offer any advice but I'm praying your daughter will find the strength needed to leave him and never look back.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much. I have been able to gather a lot of resources for myself and DH and our daughter from the links you provided. I called all the sites that had hotlines and talked this through. I also called the two safe houses in her city and was very impressed with what they offered and I shared this with my daughter. She is not ready to explore a protection order against him. It will be a process of 'deprogramming' the very negative messages that the abuser has given her. She feels he has his problems and she has her problems, and she should not judge him (?). She said that she knows she is a "handful" to deal with and there are very few guys who would deal with her. I am certain these statements are from him, and she has taken these things to heart. He is moving out of state in a couple days and not returning, she says. His mom is there packing him up now. We have alerted the college about this (again), with more detail, so campus security is following. He is not a student and had no reason to be on campus. I think deep down our daughter appreciates that others are watching for her, even though she defends him. I do not think she has seen him since my last post. I cannot be sure. My heart breaks, but I am so glad she tells me (at least a little) of what's happening, as I can't help if I don't know.

Thank you all for your caring comments and support. This is a parent's worst nightmare, but it is even worse for our daughter who is living it. I feel more hopeful now than I did before. There ARE a lot of resources out there for young women in this situation, and I had no idea. My daughter did not know either. We are better equipped going forward, and we don't feel alone.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I am truly in awe of how well you have handled this. I would have gone in guns blazing and pulled her out of there, which probably would have backfired and driven her right to him. Kudos to you for reaching out to so many resources and determining a good plan. I will be thinking of you and her. What a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Terrible situation OP, I'm glad you're getting directed to some helpful resources and I hope your daughter makes some changes soon.

This is going to sound weird, but...do you watch any ID channel shows? Does your daughter? Could you have a mother daughter popcorn night where you watch some? Specifically the ones involving young people and domestic violence.

That may sound really crass and I apologize if it does, but I wound up in an abusive relationship during college - I was quite vulnerable after the sudden death of my sister - and I watch those episodes now and even thinking back, I think they would have motivated me to make changes sooner than I actually did. If this is not a thing either of you are into its probably not worth delving into the depressing options on that channel, but if true crime shows are something either of you enjoy it could lead to a heartfelt discussion.

[Anonymous]

op here. Thanks for the suggestion, pp. I'll mention that to DH. He watches TV with her. That's a "thing" they do together and I think he'd be glad to do this. He's looking for ways to talk with her about this. It's heartbreaking, truly.

Can you tell me how you got out of that abusive relationship in college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I keep thinking about Yeardly Love.

I would find a way to get my daughter away from school/campus. She can make up her exams/classes at a later date. School can be out on hold.

It's time for lots and lots of counseling.

I'm so sorry, OP. What a nightmare.

Can you talk to the dean and see if she can take her exams from home?

[Anonymous]

Someone close to me was murdered by her abusive SO. She did all the "right" things, too, except for one. She filed for the protective order and consulted with the police several times. They recommended she go to a place where he couldn't get to her. She thought he didn't know where her friend lived. He tracked her down and killed her brutally, in front of her friend. In retrospect, we all wish we had taken her to a safe place instead of relying on the police and justice system to protect her. But we had no prior experience with domestic violence. The violence in their relationship was escalating. He had all the time in the world to stalk her since he was off for summer break. It was about control. She was the most in danger when it seemed she was almost rid of him. There are no second chances. We'll never get another chance. Go get her and take her to a safe place away from that college town where he can't find her. All the words in the world won't make a difference if he wants to make sure she learns her "lesson".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone close to me was murdered by her abusive SO. She did all the "right" things, too, except for one. She filed for the protective order and consulted with the police several times. They recommended she go to a place where he couldn't get to her. She thought he didn't know where her friend lived. He tracked her down and killed her brutally, in front of her friend. In retrospect, we all wish we had taken her to a safe place instead of relying on the police and justice system to protect her. But we had no prior experience with domestic violence. The violence in their relationship was escalating. He had all the time in the world to stalk her since he was off for summer break. It was about control. She was the most in danger when it seemed she was almost rid of him. There are no second chances. We'll never get another chance. Go get her and take her to a safe place away from that college town where he can't find her. All the words in the world won't make a difference if he wants to make sure she learns her "lesson".

+1

My friend was killed by her abusive boyfriend. If she was your friend, adult relative, etc I could understand the route you are taking. but she is your daughter and it sounds like she needs to be extracted from the situation. She needs to leave school and be physically removed from this boyfriend. Maybe she comes home, maybe she goes even farther away if that is not enough physical distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much. I have been able to gather a lot of resources for myself and DH and our daughter from the links you provided. I called all the sites that had hotlines and talked this through. I also called the two safe houses in her city and was very impressed with what they offered and I shared this with my daughter. She is not ready to explore a protection order against him. It will be a process of 'deprogramming' the very negative messages that the abuser has given her. She feels he has his problems and she has her problems, and she should not judge him (?). She said that she knows she is a "handful" to deal with and there are very few guys who would deal with her. I am certain these statements are from him, and she has taken these things to heart. He is moving out of state in a couple days and not returning, she says. His mom is there packing him up now. We have alerted the college about this (again), with more detail, so campus security is following. He is not a student and had no reason to be on campus. I think deep down our daughter appreciates that others are watching for her, even though she defends him. I do not think she has seen him since my last post. I cannot be sure. My heart breaks, but I am so glad she tells me (at least a little) of what's happening, as I can't help if I don't know.

Thank you all for your caring comments and support. This is a parent's worst nightmare, but it is even worse for our daughter who is living it. I feel more hopeful now than I did before. There ARE a lot of resources out there for young women in this situation, and I had no idea. My daughter did not know either. We are better equipped going forward, and we don't feel alone.

PP. I can tell you are a good mother who is trying to do the right thing but you are delusional. She is not capable of 'deprogramming' herself while she is with him, away from family on campus and with a history of neglect and abuse. She needs you to and DH to step up as parents and protect her. Maybe she will 'hate' you but thats ok...bc she will be alive. If she gets into a good therapy program she will hopefully be able to come out on the other end. Otherwise its going to be endless cycle of abuse for her and her children.

Step up mom! Get your baby!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Post an address and name... Done

Yes!!! Does she have any brothers or a father? DH would be out there polishing his gun in the daughter's apartment next time the boy comes calling (joking, sort of). But really, this man needs to be spoken to.