Anyone have a high schooler that you don't think is ready for college yet?
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Anonymous
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You say that she doesn't do homework or study for tests but she gets As/Bs when she "applies" herself. What does that mean?
What does not applying herself look like? |
Anonymous
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OP, is she involved in any sort of volunteer work? Do you have a church with an active youth group, where she could be around kids from different schools and (hopefully) a strong youth leader who is trained to mentor kids through things like this?
I'm sorry she is going through this and I feel for you too. I agree with PP that this could have something to do with losing her dad at such a vulnerable age. |
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OP: Thanks to everyone for the feedback. Keep it coming!!
I agree that losing her dad was big. He was a SAHD and very good father (husband too). She had these tendencies before he passed but that event made them even stronger. Here's the difference in applying herself versus not Applying: does homework, proactively gets help when she doesn't understand, more studying (in study halls not so much at home), even extra credit Not: doesn't do all her homework, claims lack of understanding as reason she didn't do it, gets help after due dates or not at all, thinks she can read the assigned books during class time, a mad rush at the end of the marking period to turn in missing homework which completely overwhelms her, lost credit for late timing, blames teachers for missed grades. UGh! And teachers are not always flexible (which is fine, i don't necessarily want special treatment). Some teachers are even harder on her because she acts like she doesn't care. She's a real personable kid too so teachers love her. I have tried everything from sitting on top of her and hiring tutors to work with her 2x/week to giving her freedom to make the choices and holding her accountable for the results. I am not a helicopter parent so the second option at least allows more peace at home versus always arguing about it. When i pushed the structure she felt unloved and isolated so i decided that was the wrong outcome. I eased up and we're happier even if the grades aren't any better (or worse) |
Anonymous
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Her brother went to a private school, is she in a private school?
I think there is way too much going on for "internet" advice. I suggest you work with somebody from a company like this ... http://www.basseducationalservices.com/ to determine a college plan. I personally have 2 ADHD kids and the amount of work they have to do to get a B/C is more than they should. By junior year I image there is a lot of burn out for these types of kids. My son burned out in 8th grade and we seriously scaled back on our expectations for school. He takes all general classes with lots of support from school. We plan to do a Gap year program and we also do not expect either child to graduate in 4 years. I don't think CC is always the answer, but I can't say for your daughter, it's too complicated. There are 4 year colleges that can help your daughter be successful. Having ADHD and depression and anxiety and grieving her fathers death, I would seriously just be happy she is not hooking up with boys with bad intentions, drinking and doing drugs at this point. My best friend is dealing with a sophomore daughter who lost her father around the same time. D's/F's suck... BTDT... but it is not the end of the world. There are consequences and she will feel them when it is application time. Good Luck! |
Anonymous
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I have a son who has ADHD and executive functioning issues. He's a bit younger than yours and has different issues. But, unless things change drastically, I don't see that he will be ready for college when he hits college age. My plan is to offer him community college or a four year where he can live at home while he goes. We can regroup after a few years. While I hate depriving him of the college experience, I think it's most important to give him a successful start in his adult life. Also, I don't have the resources to pay for college if it isn't going to be successful and I think it would be a disservice to allow/assist him in taking out loans where I have doubts as to his ability to adequately perform.
Ultimately, I think my son will be a successful and educated adult. I just think he's on a different time schedule and he has different risks than most people's kids at that age. |
Anonymous
| Pour boy wasn't ready, and failed out. Not everyone is cut out for academia. |
Anonymous
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I explained to my child that her grades from junior year would have great impact on admissions outcome. If she wanted to go to college, she had to pull through with decent grades. I was not going to pay for some third tier LAC. So it was either good grades or cc. She was diagnosed with add in the beginning of junior year.
She listened, took her meds, did relatively well and a year later has some very good choices in terms of college next year. Many of these kids are quite capable of focusing when there is reward in sight. Does your daughter want to go to college? |
Anonymous
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My kids are small, so I don't have any real life advice for you but I just wanted to send some support- it sounds like a tough situation all around and I can tell you are doing everything you can to support your daughter as best you can.
I will say that I teach at a local university and I find that my students who transfer in from CC tend to be more mature and more serious than my traditional students. CC gets undervalued a lot, especially on DCUM, but I think it is a terrific option for many kids who aren't ready for 4yr college. |
Anonymous
| Our nonacademic, ADD daughter is really surprising us in her freshman year! We chose a really small LAC where she is getting lots of one on one with the professors, good advising and where it's impossible to get lost in the shuffle. She has taken some classes in business that are very hands-on -- involving things like going out in the community to interview business people. She is thriving because she has found things that genuinely interest her, and because so much of her learning is hands-on. Lots of group projects, presentations, etc. We were lucky to find a really good fit. |
Anonymous
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My DD is similar to yours, OP, minus the ADHD, family tragedy and the meds. But her behavior is almost identical. Why? I can't imagine, and I am as frustrated by it as I can possibly be!
My (current) approach is to back off and let her flounder. There's less stress that way, although it just kills me to see my brilliant child get B's when a little more attention (turning in homework on time, for example) would get her As! A friend with a similar child said she regrets helicoptering him so he could get into college. She thought it only delayed his maturation. She thought it would have been better if he went to CC for a year or so, and then transferred into a four-year college. It would kill me to send DD to CC, but perhaps that's the best road for her? She's not me, she's not ambitious, she does not push herself, and is that so bad? She's nice, people like her, she has many friends. Growing up, the smartest kid I knew got terrible grades. She was and is super-sharp, but she didn't like academics. She ended up going to a LAC, getting a degree and later going to UMD for a master's degree. She found grad school a breeze, and now she has a low-key job. Not everyone is cut out for the big time, OP. Some people, gifted as they may be, just want to be content. I suspect DD is like my friend, difficult as it is to admit. And I have to let her be who she is, although, as I said, it's killing me. |
Anonymous
| Not everyone wants or needs a life of huge public success. I had a daughter like this. Unfortunately she was not diagnosed with ADHD until she was an adult. She foundered for awhile after high school, but after a few years went back to college and did well. She now has a good job with an internet company and is a great mom. I think for her they key was finding one thing she really loved (computer graphics) and developing self esteem because of it. Don't give up on her or expect her to follow the same time table as the girl next door. In this area everyone puts too much pressssure on their kids |
Anonymous
Yep. And there a a million different ways up the mountain. |
Anonymous
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Having ADHD and depression and anxiety and grieving her fathers death, I would seriously just be happy she is not hooking up with boys with bad intentions, drinking and doing drugs at this point. My best friend is dealing with a sophomore daughter who lost her father around the same time. D's/F's suck... BTDT... but it is not the end of the world. There are consequences and she will feel them when it is application time.
I agree with this, based on my own experience. And as a counter example, my mother died when I was in college. I had always been a great student, but my focus just fell apart. Completely fell apart. (Never got into drugs or hooking up, but definitely in the realm of possibility in such cases.) So your daughter is dealing with grief, but also the practical impact of a diminished support network, ie father is not there when she gets home to greet and encourage, and sort things out... OP, all I can do is send best wishes to you and your family. It sounds as though you are leading with emotional support to your daughter, which is so important. |
Anonymous
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My daughter has ADHD and some aspects similar to your daughter, OP. Our psychiatrist explained that for some teens ADHD causes difficulties with emotion regulation, to the point that sometimes it's hard to tell if the better diagnosis might borderline personality disorder.
Also, I feel for your daughter. I lost my mother at age 14 and really struggled a lot emotionally after that. I was a good student, but my grades were uneven. I didn't have an ADHD diagnosis but probably should have. Anyway, by my 20's I was doing much better. To tell you the truth, I wish taking a gap year had been an option to consider. I could have really used that time to mature. |
Anonymous
Also, depending on how severe her ADHD, etc. issues are, maybe consider military service. I sometimes wish I'd joined instead of going straight to college, where I promptly fell flat on my face. The discipline and exposure would have done me good. |