Am I asking too much from DH?
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Anonymous
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Married 12 years, 2 kids 8and 6yo. DH and I are in counseling because we had become so passive aggressive with each other due to his inability to talk about anything substantive about our marriage. Sex has always been a problem...I have a higher drive. DH has problems with PE. The first few years I was very supportive and sympathetic but he did nothing to address his issue besides stop initiating sex. We went to a sex therapist, she helped quite a bit, and sex was good enough for a year. Then kids came along and we were technically sexless for many years, and he sex we had was at my behest and very, very meh. Over the years I asked him to initiate, I asked him if he wasn't aggregated to me, etc. I never got real answers and even though he promised to initiate more he would for a week and then we were back to square one.
I recently told him that I could not live like this anymore, that I was lonely in the marriage. We have been going to counseling, which has helped him be more open to communication and not shut down. The sex is just pretty bad now because of his very PE. I won't go into details because this is not the explicit forum...but I am hugely unsatisfied. I asked him (not for the first time) if he would get a medical exam to check his hormones, etc., and he said he would. I got the rec of a urologist and gave it to him (we are new to the area so didn't know who to call). A month has gone by and he still has not called to make an appt. It is becoming abundantly clear that he and I are not at all on the same page sexually, and that he would rather bury his head in the same and not deal with our sex life. It is also clear that by doing this, he is holding me hostage because I am not supposed to have sex outside of the marriage. My question...am I asking too much of him? Am I now at the point of saying well, this is who he is, I have to take this life or leave it? Or do I keep pushing? It seems utterly crazy to split up my family over sex, but the lack of consistent, even halfway decent sex is an awful way for me to live...and I have already done it for multiple years. Living like this is so unattractive to me, but divorcing is also not an attractive option, so I am at a crossroads. |
Anonymous
| It's not just about sex, it's about intimacy. And that is not a "wrong" reason to break up a marriage. |
Anonymous
| You can't make someone be a certain way, but you can reasonably ask them to make an effort with respect to things that are important to you. How long have you been going to counseling, and do you talk about this issue? Not just your lack of satisfaction, but his failure to make an appointment with the urologist? |
Anonymous
| I don't think you are unreasonable. Maybe ask for open marriage if he won't get help? |
MikeL
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+1 Seems entirely reasonable. |
Anonymous
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Wow, this is crazy. Yes he should make the appt but yeah you do sound like you place way too high priority on sex.
You kids will kind you disgusting when they found out thats why you dumped dad. Eww |
Anonymous
| Could he be gay? |
Anonymous
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Op here.
We have been in counseling for 4 months, and I see an individual counselor. DH refuses to see his own counselor. We have not talked about his reluctance to see the dr, but have talked generally in therapy about his tendency to bury his head in the sand and just wait things out until they magically go away. That has led me to live very resentfully because I never feel heard, and problems with sex never go away. No, I do not get the vibe that he is gay. At all. I think that he completely represses all feelings and doesn't ever want to do anything wrong, so instead he does nothing at all. To the pp who said "ew," some of us are grownups who very much enjoy sex, and also would like their partners to take their wishes for a gratifying sex life very seriously and actually do something about it. Re inquiring about an marriage-that is the next step. Can't imagine that would go over well... |
Anonymous
seriously, the guys on here who complain about their sexless marriages and say that the rejection has a huge effect on their self-esteem.. justify having relationships outside of the marriage. This woman is being HONEST about her needs and you want to shame her? |
Anonymous
| This is who he is, and this is what you have. I don't think I could screw my kids over for sex, but YMMV. |
Anonymous
| What is PE? |
MikeL
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Who's asking her to "screw her kids over"? |
Anonymous
| Is he intimate and loving in other ways? |
Anonymous
| Do you think he has a porn addiction or is attracted to something you cannot provide (like, not attracted to females or not attracted to adults), or are you sure he has low drive? |
Anonymous
Why do you assume that the PP is a man? I am male and I think that OP is being quite reasonable. |