Should I stay or get divorced?
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Anonymous
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OP, I totally get the great sex but feeling sick about it. Had the same experience with an exbf who was cheating. I still loved him, he still loved me, he was going out of his way to be incredibly giving, plus there was anger and danger and risk of breaking up and all sorts of heightened emotions for both of us. I totally get it. Don't beat yourself up. He's your husband after all. You have lots of history.
It's the lying that would get me more than the cheating. If he can't be honest, I think this will corrode anything good left between you. Take your time deciding. If he'll really work on it, you have a shot. If he sticks to lying, I think eventually you'll find you'd rather have freedom in a small condo than feel like shit being lied to in a beach house. That's the way I chose anyway, YMMV. Best of luck. You deserve so much better than what he has done. I hope he knows that. |
Anonymous
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Re: separation as an option: Most folks who separate move to divorce.
I'd speak to an attorney, OP. Are your houses marital assets, did you acquire them after you married? Marital assets are half yours. I'd also run the child support numbers. If his income is high enough, you move beyond the calculation. One hour with an attorney will give you a sense of what to expect financially. |
Anonymous
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The way I found out? I had a gut feeling- he was definitely distancing himself emotionally and started i dont know how to describe it... Insulting my appearance and giving me disgusted looks...
I looked at credit card and saw he was going out to dinners and lunches that were definitely too expensive for 1. Then snooped in emails and texts. Still feel bad about that. When i confronted him he deleted everything . I was sooo emotional .. I should have waited to confront him until I had copies or something.. It didnt seem real |
Anonymous
She is a doormat. With STDs. |
Anonymous
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OP, your children are a year or two from college? If I'm understanding you correctly, you're thinking of sticking with a man who you will never trust and makes you sick, over leaving him, when you won't even have children at home? All because you don't want to live in a townhouse or see him have a beach house?
That's messed up. Your self respect and potential happiness trump a beach house. Your kids will be fine. They are nearly launched and the courts will provide support to finish that. They are adult enough to pursue a relationship with their father as they wish. You have a lot of life left. Leave it and live it. Trust me, you won't be bothered by the townhouse. |
Anonymous
Pp here with the sex with the cheating exbf. Look, this is WAY worse than just cheating then. He is gaslighting you. He is acting like you are crazy when both you and he have seen the evidence and know he's cheating. This is a level of cruelty and evil far beyond just infidelity. I've changed my mind with this new information. I think you need to call a lawyer tomorrow and start making plans to protect yourself. Make sure you have passwords to all of the bank accounts. Spend tonight after he is in bed or tomorrow morning getting paper and electronic copies of all of your statements. If he is gas ighting you, he does not love you. He is stringing you along hoping you'll question yourself, which will buy him more time. (Which he may use to transfer assets and screw you even more.) Call a lawyer tomorrow, op! |
Anonymous
+1 BTW, the sex is called hysterical bonding. Very normal. Call a lawyer, and take care of yourself. You actually hold more cards than you think. www.survivinginfidelity.com is a great resource for you. And I'm very sorry... |
MrUnreal
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I think a lot of great advice is on here already, but honestly sex only complicates issues. Deal with the infidelity separate than your feelings of improved sex. If you feel sick the next day you will not be able to continue this infinitely, especially not for just the money and keeping the family together. You need to evaluate how you feel about the infidelity and deal with that. Let him know about how you feel and deal with it together if you plan to continue your relationship. Best of luck.
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Anonymous
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OP don't listen to the moral police here. Also, forget about counseling.
You ned to think whether your life would better with him or you divorced. And it seems it would be better if you stayed together. Its not that this is not bad but the alternative could be significantly worse yet. |
Anonymous
no reason to feel bad about snooping, Jeezus. |
Anonymous
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i dont know if I can stay with him. he does make me feel like I am crazy. He makes me question everything I do or say with his narcissistic looks and comments. Then he switches to generous, giving , helpful.
A good friend of mine is divorced from a cheating husband and lives in a tiny studio in someone's house. She is miserable and says if she had to do it over, she would have stayed married. I know every divorce is different , but he is very savvy w computers and finance. I know next to nothing. I am terrified. Not of being alone, i actually think that would be nice, To not be a servant for an ungrateful man. To not be home waiting for him while he is out yet another night. I just feel that I will be left destitute. Maybe i am wrong, but never in a million years did I think this would ever happen to us. I know that I must appear weak, but this is not me! i feel like someone pulled the rug out from under me and I cant get my bearings. |
Anonymous
OP, first thing, don't ask for divorce and stop confronting him. You need to make your mind without his pressure, involvement, gaslighting etc. it is very possible that your standard of living would drop significantly while his goes up. Maybe you need to bid your time until things get worse for him, he gets sick or something. You need revenge and divorce is not necessarily a revenge (it could be a gift, really). But again, do not try to "work" on this with him. He is your enemy and you need to find the best way to punish him. |
Anonymous
| ^^take out the word revenge and i agree^^ |
Anonymous
| You have to stop talking to him about it! I know its hard, but let him wonder why you have made a sudden about face. Be pleasant and go about your life! Be strong! As much as you want to confront him and ask him why, dont do it! He will go crazy wondering why you stopped! |
Anonymous
+1 |