Should I stay or get divorced?

[Anonymous]

My DH is having an affair. We both know it to be true but he is in deny,deny,deny, school of thought. I was done and ready to file for a divorce. He says he doesnt want a divorce. Can't live with out me and the kids together. On and on. I on the other hand, will never trust him again. We are still having sex that is actually the best for me that we have ever had( i guess, thanks OW).
I dont want to be with him, i want him to leave, go where he is happy and free.
I found out about a month ago, and have been going through the whole gamut of emotions. BUT if we get divorced, his quality of living goes up, while mine and the kids goes down. I work 2 jobs, but he makes 6x more than I do. I dont want to live in a shitty apartment, while he has a townhouse and a beach house.
I put my blood sweat and tears into this marriage for what? For him to pay me back with an affair? We raised 2 awesome kids that will be going to college in the next year or so..
He is totally in the midst of a mid life crisis, with a new position in a metropolitan area that has his eyes popping out of his head. He is like a kid in a candy store with all the women. I cant even blame them. He is a good looking nice guy, who suddenly thinks he deserves better.

Maybe in the future if he meets yet another younger woman he may change his mind and want a divorce. But for now, should I just go along and stay so we dont have to suffer? Me and the kids I mean

[Anonymous]

You seem to be fine with the affair, so what's the issue? Let him have his fun, enjoy the sex and the money and be at peace.

[Anonymous]

ugh! don't have anything to say about this one

[Anonymous]

Go find a really good marriage counselor. If he is so insistent that he doesn't want a divorce, then he needs to go with you to figure out how you will both move thru this. I know plenty of couples that have moved through infidelity and are stronger and closer now. But it takes a hell of work on both spouses' part.

You may decide in the end to divorce him, which is fine. What's important is that any decision you make is done with all the options in front of you and with thoughtfulness. A therapist can be the person to help you through that process.

[Anonymous]

I am actually not fine with the affair. I have been physically sick for weeks, unable to function and going through the motions at work.
I woke up yesterday and this was all i could think of...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am actually not fine with the affair. I have been physically sick for weeks, unable to function and going through the motions at work.
I woke up yesterday and this was all i could think of...

Yet you are still having sex with him?

[Anonymous]

I dont know why?? He was very emotional and desperate. Saying he wanted to prove to me that he could be an unselfish lover- which was always one of our problems..i am seeing a therapist and she said it is actually normal to do that? I just think I gave in .. When I woke up yesterday- i felt sick that I had sex with him.

[Anonymous]

I think I could forgive an affair. We are all human, we make mistakes. If he is remorseful and you can get past it, no reason to throw out the marriage if the rest of it works. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

You don't need to make a decision today. Probably better to make it after the initial emotions die down. If you are leaning towards divorce, perhaps you could have a one week seperation and see how it feels.

[Incognita]

You should definitely tell him he needs to seek couples therapy. In the mean to one OP, you should NEVER repeatedly have sex with a man if after doing so you feel sick to your stomach. I don't care if he is your spouse, you are degrading yourself. You don't owe him sex for him to prove he isn't a selfish lover after an affair. You owe it to your marriage to work on things, but that does not mean cheapening yourself to please him. Get counseling and have sex with your husband when it is a healthy manner, with good intentions and not out of pity, or guilt.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still having sex with him? That's so gross.

[Anonymous]

You said you were still Having sex and it was the best eve and now you're saying it makes you sick?

Get your story straight and maybe we can actually give you advice.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Wow. So so sorry. Why won't he fess up? It sounds like he wants to keep the marriage going. That's better than some who get mean and accuse you of being crazy. Maybe try to forgive? Do you know the details of the affair? (Your story is straight to me, by the way.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know why?? He was very emotional and desperate. Saying he wanted to prove to me that he could be an unselfish lover- which was always one of our problems..i am seeing a therapist and she said it is actually normal to do that? I just think I gave in .. When I woke up yesterday- i felt sick that I had sex with him.

Then why did you type in your original post that it was "the best sex ever" but leave this detail out?

[Anonymous]

Best sex ever, sex that makes her sick. It's all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is having an affair. We both know it to be true but he is in deny,deny,deny, school of thought. I was done and ready to file for a divorce. He says he doesnt want a divorce. Can't live with out me and the kids together. On and on. I on the other hand, will never trust him again. We are still having sex that is actually the best for me that we have ever had( i guess, thanks OW).
I dont want to be with him, i want him to leave, go where he is happy and free.
I found out about a month ago, and have been going through the whole gamut of emotions. BUT if we get divorced, his quality of living goes up, while mine and the kids goes down. I work 2 jobs, but he makes 6x more than I do. I dont want to live in a shitty apartment, while he has a townhouse and a beach house.
I put my blood sweat and tears into this marriage for what? For him to pay me back with an affair? We raised 2 awesome kids that will be going to college in the next year or so..
He is totally in the midst of a mid life crisis, with a new position in a metropolitan area that has his eyes popping out of his head. He is like a kid in a candy store with all the women. I cant even blame them. He is a good looking nice guy, who suddenly thinks he deserves better.

Maybe in the future if he meets yet another younger woman he may change his mind and want a divorce. But for now, should I just go along and stay so we dont have to suffer? Me and the kids I mean

OP sorry to hear about this. I am a man and I sincerely feel bad about this. Take it from me though, you have the upper hand in this even though you think you will live worse off by filing for divorce.

As a first step, I would suggest that you not think about divorce just yet but separation. I think you and the kids should move out the house and go live in an apartment/townhouse fully financed by him! As a professional man, he will be embarrassed that his wife and kids are leaving him, and as you say, that is his pulse. As long as you keep his pulse going (and having sex with him) you are basically rewarding him. So cut off his pulse, and very soon he will start to gasp for breath. Truth be told though, as men we hurt when women and kids leave us, so just separate. Trust me, he will come around when he comes home to himself and gets tired of wasting all his time and money on random ass! That's my best advice as a man.

When he does come around sobbing and crying like Robin Thicke, then you decide if you want to take him like how Tiger Woods got taken, or go through counseling, forgiveness, and healing Dr. Phil-stye.