Is this controlling?
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Anonymous
"Okay honey. You get full control on how this will work out. She comes in September or November or really any other time of the year as we've discussed. Or she comes in October and you and she will take care of the kid stuff, shopping, cooking, and household chores. If it's really load and uncomfortable here, I will find someplace else to work." |
Anonymous
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You said she could come, just not at that precise time. Yes, he's being unreasonable. Is there some reason why she needs/wants to come right then? It's up to your DH to communicate the timing issues to his mom, regardless of what he thinks of your job or otherwise.
I agree with the PP, that this isn't necessarily about control. There are issues though -- I think they are different and probably more about communication. What he thinks of your job, what he thinks of how you manage time, whether you like his mom as much as he likes her, how you act when she's there, etc. A host of other potential discussions are involved. I like the advice to sit down rationally, rather than focusing on what you've told him and how insensitive it is (b/c I agree it is!). Just say, great about her visiting generally, and try to work something out on the timing and how that gets communicated to your MIL. |
Anonymous
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MarriedManHunting
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DH here. YES, he's being a BUTT |
Anonymous
+1 Do not screw up your job because you will need it when you divorce his condescending, a$$. Maybe he is trying to sabotage you so that you are dependent on him. No way would I try to juggle all that plus a guest. I love my MIL but I would have a problem if my DH did this to me. Your DH needs to know he will have to step up and manage things while you are away at work. And I would make sure I was out of the house so that you are not expected to get stuff done. Maybe go to the library? |
Anonymous
| Op here - thank you all. I think my main issue is that he does not take my career seriously. I don't make nearly as much money as him but what I do takes concentration. I write appeals and it is hard and I hate having to work at night and pull all-nighters when I have deadlines. and his mother is lovely but chatty. And I just don't want to deal with a houseguest when I am going to be working constantly. DH just doesn't get that my job is hard and requires concentration. |
Anonymous
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Go maybe you need to start working away from home for him to respect your work time?
I'm in a similar position as you-- I work part time, making way less than my DH and I take care of most of the childcare/household stuff. The difference is that I work definite shifts that can't be changed. So whether my DH likes it or not, we either find childcare or he has to step up and get home when I work-- there's no discussion. So maybe you can switch how you work? Designate certain hours in the week as work time and leave the house to do it and either hire a babysitter or have your H watch the kids and have it be non-negotiable. IMO, it is crazy that you pull all nighters to do your job-- not sure how I'd function if I had to do that. |
Anonymous
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Proper answer: Yes, he's being a jerk and as one PP mentioned, is she that overbearing that he can't tell her no?
Snarky answer: tell him if she comes then you're moving to a hotel and not coming home until she leaves. You'll get your quiet and concentration, and he can see how tough it is to have a job AND kids plus caring for a houseguest. |
Anonymous
| Your husband is being a jerk. You're in the right here. Hopefully you can get her to shift her visit to before or after your busy time. If not, then maybe you could arrange to work elsewhere during that time? I know that if I had a friend in this situation, I'd offer to let her work from my house for the duration, since I only work from home one day a week and wouldn't be inconvenienced by someone being there during the day. |
Anonymous
| OP says he doesn't take her work seriously. When describing her work she says it takes focus, is hard, etc. All this may be true, but it makes you sound a bit whiney. I assume you really LIKE that you work, and even if your household may not absolutely depend on the income it makes you happy. And you are unhappy when people undermine it, such as assuming you can handle your MIL at the same time as you're super busy. |
Anonymous
NP, and this view is totally missing the other part of the dynamic, when OP identified ONE MONTH of the year that she asked that her MIL not visit, and her DH is going ahead with plans that go into that time period and he is now dismissing her concerns as "controlling". Even if OP likes her job, even if she's whiney (which I don't think she is but anyway), her DH is being a jerk. Whether he's being a jerk because he's just not taking her seriously, or a power-controlling jerk, no one here is going to know without knowing more about the dynamic. But there is enough info here to be sure he's being a jerk. OP, I agree with others that you should really try to find somewhere else you can work out of, maybe for Sept AND Oct so your DH can get used to what the workload is like when you're not home at night. You dont' want to be negotiating all those difficult conversations, details and his realization of just how hard it is to do all the other things you do when you're up against your deadlines, so start working out of the house in Sept. Do you have anywhere you can go do to work? Even a friend's house where they have an office, or a relative's house, or actual other office space? Does your employer have space for you for 2 months? |
Anonymous
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Same PP as ^^. Also PP, you didn't say how old your kids are but you should definitely start talking to your kids about the fact that you may be around a lot less for a month or so but that it's not about them, that you'll miss them, etc etc. You don't want them feeling abandoned in the middle of the rest of this, and you want to make sure they know any changes in your time for them or mood or stress is temporary and you will be excited to be back around them as much as you usually are.
That is a good conversation to have with them no matter how old they are (2-17), in an age-appropriate way. Good luck with your DH and your work OP! |
Anonymous
| I'm 7:24. I didn't weigh in on whether the DH is a jerk, though I tend to think so. However, they are married, and she should not have to do all the accommodating - moving workspace, for example, which could easily be a huge pain in the ass. I've suggested in an earlier post how she might renegotiate for this time, and this post is an attempt to get her to have a productive conversation w/ DH about why she reacted as she did, and not focus on who is controlling or a jerk .... which never seems very productive. So, PP, if all you want is for OP to conclude her husband is a jerk, and how to upend her life, you've done that. But doesn't seem very productive. |
Anonymous
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Just don't do anything to prep for the visit. Don't cook or clean. Work from home like usual or go to a Starbucks while she is there.
By the way, your husband sucks. |
Anonymous
Yep. I'm guessing DH doesn't "see" the work you do to get the house ready for visitors? Tell him it's either the first two weekends in September or not until after Halloween, period end of story. And if he doesn't listen, I'd recommend you plan to check yourself into a hotel so you can work and he can deal with everything else. |