Is this controlling?

[Anonymous]

I work part-time from home as an attorney. I work year round but I happen to have three HUGE projects due in October. I have told my DH for months that his mother CANNOT visit in October because I will be too busy with work and won't be able to socialize or make dinners etc. And I will prob. have to work at night and I don't want company watching tv loudly (next to my office) etc.

Tonight, my DH says his mother may visit in late September/maybe early October. I blew up. he says I am being controlling and there is nothing wrong with having company at that time. He completely and totally has no idea how much work it is going to take me to meet these deadline. He said her visit is no big deal. I say it is. He even called me a "stay at home" mother. i said to him - I WORK!!!

I also do the vast majority of household stuff - all kid stuff, all shoppping, all kid activities and school stuff, which is why I usually work the school hours only.

Are I overreacting? Isn't he being a butt head?

[Anonymous]

How long is your MIL planning on staying? A weekend? A week? Compromise and have her limit the stay, and keep it in September.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely being a butt head. You brought this up with him earlier and he agreed by default since he didn't object. Assuming you happily welcome her at other times he'd still be a butt head if you didn't want her to visit because you wanted to focus on some hobby that only happened in Oct. because he would be disregarding your opinion and wishes. The fact that your reason here involves work and deadlines and that he belittled your job raises things to another level.

[Anonymous]

It's his responsibility to deal with his mother - but, in this case since this is your career in jeopardy - you should call her and explain the situation.

If she gets hurt/angry too bad.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for butt head. Ask if she can come after your project is over and then kiss her butt to make sure she knows it wasn't personal. Your husband is acting like a doofus.

[Anonymous]

Wow he's an ass! Can't she come later? I totally get it. Unless she plans or pick up and help out and realize that you'll be running around like a chicken with your head cut off without time to "host".

But how long is the trip? If it's a week I'd just let it go and go about your schedule. maybe hire help that week.

[Anonymous]

He is being an idiot. The other exception would be if he were thinking of a very short visit.

[Anonymous]

No, he's controlling you. YOu should be acting as a team on this matter.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you won't be cooking or anything else for her. He will have to do it.

[Anonymous]

Total butt head. I work from home part-time too and I totally get it. How old are your kids? Are they school age?

[Anonymous]

Tell him "You bet I'm being controlling! I've told you how many times that she can't visit in October? That October is my busiest month at work? And yet you and she schedule her visit for when?"

You have to control your schedule. This is ridiculous. You are being gaslighted.

[Anonymous]

It makes a huge difference that you work from home. What is your husband going to be doing during the day when his mom is at the house? People can tell you "don't cook or make it clear that you are going to be working" but it's really hard to do when there is someone in your house, half expecting you to entertain her. Either he takes off work when she is here or she comes another time. I would be livid that my work is not respected.

[Anonymous]

I am a man and I think OP is right to be upset. Her husband could have explained to his mom that this is a bad time. Is she so overbearing that he couldnt resist?

[Anonymous]

Arguments about who is controlling, in my experience, never get anybody anywhere. Obviously everyone wants control, he to do it his way, you to do it your way. Leave that stuff out of it, and don't go there even if he does.

I'd be upset in your situation, OP. To try to move on, in a conversation with DH I'd frame it as a matter of communication: you indicated this time is a problem, and he should have communicated to his mom and you that there is a conflict at this visit time, so let's see what we can do to make it work for everyone. And he needs to be sure his mom doesn't take it personally. You can speak to your MIL directly, if you're not sure DH will communicate it as you'd like. You can say you want to have her visit be as great as possible, and in your experience you can't separate what is needed for your work from the pressure of having a guest, even your MIL (whom I am sure you adore). THat way, if she ends up coming anyway, she'll be forewarned and you can refer back to that conversation. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

He's being a total butthead. He's belittling and dismissing your career and you. You have equal veto power over when anyone stays at your house. My ex had this attitude about my work. It's a downside to being a WAHM, especially when you do part time work so that you can take on more of the childcare. Ask him if he plans to bring his mom to his office all day, every day, and take her out to eat every meal etc. Watch him laugh and say that's ridiculous. Yet it's pretty much what he's asking of you.