Don't enjoy parenting
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Anonymous
| First Rule of Parenting: IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. |
Anonymous
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Good grief, I get so sick of all the Sancti-mommies. You know what---until you have parented a kid with ADHD, attachment disorder and ODD, then you just do not get how difficult even the most routine things can be.
Let me give an example----OP---you can see if this resonates with you. I sat in the pediatrician's office this morning and watched a mom with her 7 year old daughter. The nurse had just said that she was checking the child's chart to see if she needed any vaccinations. The child said, worriedly, "I don't want a shot . . . . " Her mom said reassureingly, "I know, honey. And you may not have to get one---the nurse is just going to check." The child nodded, trustingly, and went back to her book. Now, had that been my TEN year old with FASD, ADHD and attachment disorder---everything would have rapidly spun out of control. First, she would have immediately fixated completely and absolutely on the issue that SHE MIGHT BE GETTING A SHOT. (Fixation being an FASD characteristic). Then she would have increased her volume level along with her anxiety (Inability to appreciate volume levels being another FASD trait). "MOMMY! I DON'T WANT A SHOT!" Had I tried the same reassuring tone and logic as the mom I watched, it would have fallen on deaf ears (since lack of trust in parental figures is attachment related, and inability to reason and appreciate logic is an FASD problem). We would have quickly moved on (had a shot been required)---into screaming meltdown. Possibly resulting in her needing to held down by one or more nurse in order to get the vaccination. She is TEN---not 2 or 3 or 4---but another hallmark of FASD is dysmaturity (i.e., being much developmentally much younger than chronological age) Do you know how hard it is to get an innoculation into a writhing, screaming, 10 year old? |
Anonymous
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OP, I just saw this and thought of you
https://heathertforbes.infusionsoft.com/app/storeFront/showProductDetail?productId=75 I recently started getting Heather Forbes' newsletters and like them. I have not read any of her books or listened to her CDs but I just wanted to put this out there as a resource that might help. You're in a tough position and you're doing your best, which is all any of us can do. |
Anonymous
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Also, this post/thread may help:
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/398213.page Not saying OP wants to leave her family, just that the suggestions on this thread may also be helpful to OP. |
Anonymous
| OP, you'll get through this. Great ideas on here. Get more help if you can afford it. Make sure your child is getting all the free support possible through the school system as well. There's an IEP right? Counseling is a great idea- to support you and/or work on the relationship. Support groups might be helpful too. You can do this! My child isn't adopted so I may not be able to relate to that aspect, but I have certainly felt like parenting wasn't at all what I expected and U have felt overwhelmed (child with SN). Hang in there and keep us posted!! |
Anonymous
| DH and I adopted twins and at about 9 years old, we found out through a formal assessment that they have ADHD and ADD respectively and mild learning disabilities. They both have different issues but they have been manageable due to my being proactive in getting them the supports they need and medication. They are also in a private school, which offers differentiated instruction. It is super expensive and we get some financial aid but still a lot of money. But, the kids are now 11 years old and thriving. It is not easy but all they have is DH and I and if we don't provide the love and support they need, no one else will. You can do it, OP. Like a previous PP said, it's not about you but your daughter. She needs you. I love parenting even when it is not easy because I feel like I am molding two lives into productive members of society. Good luck. |
karenmh33
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I am so sorry for all that you're dealing with. Kudos to you for having the courage to say out loud that parenting can SUCK!
I "inherited" 3 step-daughters who were raised for the majority of their lives by a horrible woman who taught them nothing that a child SHOULD learn, and everything that a child SHOULD NOT learn. Though the girls were well into elementary school when we got full custody of them, they had serious issues that should have been addressed before age 5. As a result, every seemingly simple step for an 'average' kid living under 'normal' circumstances was an immense struggle. Every attempt to change negative behaviors was one step forward and SEVERAL steps back. Though I knew we were doing the right thing, it was so hard to keep trying. Their learned behaviors and mother's continued negative influence were a CONSTANT strain on our entire household. I was a single, independent, hard-working, successful woman up to the day I signed on for the insanity. Up to that point, there was never a goal that I hadn't been able to accomplish. I read parenting books, "How to Be a Stepmom" books, and "Taking Care of Yourself" books. I talked to step-moms. I had also been formally trained on many aspects of motherhood. Though I knew my new role as step-mom would be incredibly challenging, I was naive to how truly difficult it would be. Within a year of entering this new dimension, I suddenly assumed the role of "Mom" 100% of the time when Bio Mom abruptly dropped out of the girls' lives. Every negative multiplied. Every positive was erased. Though it's a crude analogy, I felt as though someone dropped a dumpster full of trash on my door step. And it was solely my job to sort through and clean it up. Though I (and we) have come a long way since then, parenting continues to be the most difficult challenge I have ever encountered. I continue to struggle to regain some of my former self, but must remind myself regularly that I CHOSE THIS. Many days I say that through gritted teeth. I struggle every day to see how much the girls NEED me in their lives and how much their lives have improved since I entered the picture. On my really good days, I can even see how much they've improved MY life, and how much I need them. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. But I am sometimes, admittedly selfishly, angry and resentful of the girls and their mother. I have even been resentful of my own family and friends who offer advice and make assumptions about my life as "Mom." I resented the fact that I was completely ALONE in my struggle. Therapists, family members, friends, and even my own husband could not understand what it was like to be in my shoes - how truly difficult it was to walk the line between change and acceptance. To this day, I have the "Serenity Prayer" all over my home. Three years later, I still have more bad parenting days than good. The good days being those in which I can be calm, objective, nurturing, unresentful, and truly understanding of the girls' struggles - not just my own. It takes a lot of venting, reflection, breathing, and simply stepping away sometimes to get myself back on track. Reluctantly, I sought counseling for myself, our family, and each of the girls individually. For a variety of reasons, we are not currently in any counseling/therapy. But we are open to it in the future. Through therapy, I learned that: I am human. I am not Super Woman, nor should I try to be. I CANNOT accomplish all that I have placed on my OWN plate. I MUST stop being a control freak and perfectionist, and place things on others' plates. I MUST take time for myself each and every day - even if it's just 10 minutes. I MUST NOT feel guilty about taking time for myself. I must say NO more often. I MUST NOT feel guilty about saying NO. It's OK to step away and be "selfish." Stepping away is NOT being selfish! It's simply taking care of myself, so that I can continue to care for others. Though it was longer than intended, I hope that my sharing my own frustrations encourages you to give yourself some credit, and to feel renewed about your strengths and abilities as a parent - strengths and abilities of which you may not feel capable right now. I will pray that you will find support and understanding around you, no matter how small it may be. For me, every little bit helped! I hope that you will find small moments that validate the positive difference you are making in the life of your child. I pray that you will find time for you, THE WOMAN, not just Mom. I hope that things get better for you soon. Thank you for sharing your struggles. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! |
Anonymous
Awesome post. You are an amazing person for doing this and sharing your thoughts with us. |