Don't enjoy parenting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.

We'll it is harsh but there is some truth to this. When you adopt a special need child you are not going into the same parenting experience as parents who birth their children and parents who haven neuro typical kids. Did you have prenadoption training and is there anything that led you to this path that you can fall back on? Are you involved in any adoption groups that can give you comfort and or advice? Can you build on and get satisfaction from the 10% that is good? Can you focus on the progress of the delays and get excited about your role in remediating this? What is it that drew you to this in the first place? Are things going as expected and you are just worn out because it's hard or is there something unexpected? Is bonding an issue? Maybe if you figure out the real issue you will be able to find more satisfaction. And as a PP mentioned, parenting is a lot of drudgery. If you can't find some measure of satisfaction in the laundry and cooking and cleaning then your days will be mostly unsatisfying.

Not OP but this has nothing to do with adoption as she could have had a special needs child by birth. Out of all our services and preschool my child is the only adopted one. Training and preparation cannot change the fact that your child has special needs. We were completely lied to about drugs, alcohol and lifestyle. We suspected but nothing like what the reality was. Many people lie in adoption so it isn't like one sets out often to adopt a special needs child. It just happens just like it happens in birth.

And, my child is the perfect child regardless of how he joined our family. I agree you are a sad person to say that.

You don't adopt to complain about the child you adopted. If you hate it so much, return the child

[Anonymous]

Enroll yourself in some parenting classes. My guess is that you have bad parenting habits or need to change your approach. 6 is a great age!

[Anonymous]

I often feel this way with my bio child. No delays, but he loves whining and dramatizing things. Just today he was screaming and crying after he scraped his knee; it went on and on, you would have thought he lost his limb, no less!
Generally he is a sweet typical 4yo, but it is just so trying for me. Weekends are hard. I have him in preschool which helps.
If I were you I would enroll your DC in full time childcare, plan an outing for each weekend (preferably with other families), and do lots of tv.

[Anonymous]

Said the mother of the year at 16:40 "do lots of tv."

[Anonymous]

OP, I think I know how you feel.

I love my DD more than anything, she's the best thing that ever happened to me, I love spending time with her and am so grateful she's in my life -- I've grown and become a much better person than I ever would have been otherwise.

But I don't enjoy parenting. Getting us both ready and out the door, planning meals, making sure she has clothes that fit (they grow so fast), playing kid games, answering the endless questions (though I am so proud that she is so inquisitive).... these are all things that require a fair amount effort for me, they are things I don't naturally enjoy. I could definitely do without the whining and screaming and meltdowns. Life would be much easier if I could just eat pasta and salads everyday and read, watch movies, have time for myself, etc. I'm a single parent as well, no help from bio-dad or family, so I seldom get a break unless I stay up late and trade sleep for it.

I don't think it's a bad thing to admit that I don't like many aspects of parenting, I actually find it helpful to do so; I have learned to be patient with myself, not judge how I feel, and recognize that not every feeling needs an active response -- just because I don't like doing things doesn't mean I stop doing them, I just do them recognizing that they're not my favorites in parenting. I also recognize that time flies and DD changes seemingly every day, so I won't be doing these things forever.

Much of parenting is draining and thankless; I'm often overwhelmed and at my wit's end. I think it's just how things are for most of us. I try as much as possible to monitor my emotional state and keep it balanced; for me, as a parent, being happy is truly a choice I make every day, regardless of whatever may be going on. I definitely have days when the only reason I'm happy is that I absolutely refuse to be otherwise -- I grit my teeth and dig my heels in and I'm happy, damnit!!

Don't feel badly about not enjoying parenting. I think most of us would admit that, while we love our kids and wouldn't trade our lives, the actual parenting is 80-90% drudgery.

[Anonymous]

op, the most important thing for you may be to know that "bio kids" are not perfect and always fun! unfortunately, you have a straw man (adopted) that can always seem like THE problem, and it can make you resent your DC. but bio kids are not perfect and most parents feel the same way as you do, at one time or another.

feel better op! you're a good parent and you have a good child, and you did an AMAZING thing by adopting. the good karma will come back to you in spades, eventually.

[Anonymous]

Are you a single mom by choice? Wondering if you ever get a break. My DD is spending the summer and I was ready for her to leave the last few weeks.

[Anonymous]

The Center for Adoption Support and Education may be able to help you too. They're located in Burtonsville, MD but serve the entire DC metro area. http://adoptionsupport.org

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.

We'll it is harsh but there is some truth to this. When you adopt a special need child you are not going into the same parenting experience as parents who birth their children and parents who haven neuro typical kids. Did you have prenadoption training and is there anything that led you to this path that you can fall back on? Are you involved in any adoption groups that can give you comfort and or advice? Can you build on and get satisfaction from the 10% that is good? Can you focus on the progress of the delays and get excited about your role in remediating this? What is it that drew you to this in the first place? Are things going as expected and you are just worn out because it's hard or is there something unexpected? Is bonding an issue? Maybe if you figure out the real issue you will be able to find more satisfaction. And as a PP mentioned, parenting is a lot of drudgery. If you can't find some measure of satisfaction in the laundry and cooking and cleaning then your days will be mostly unsatisfying.

Not OP but this has nothing to do with adoption as she could have had a special needs child by birth.

You are wrong. Thing about OPs situation is that she adopted a child that was over 2 years old. That means she knew before she said yes and still said yes. That is very different than giving birth to a special need child. Yes, having a SN child is always a possibility when you choose to have a baby but for OP it was a certainty that she knew before agreeing to parent this child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parenting is tough, but you don't have to struggle alone and in shame. MoCo has a great program called Parent Encouragement Program, I think. Free classes and lots of peer support. I have many friends, neighbors, and parents of my students who rave about it.
Have a comprehensive screening to see what SN she has and learn strategies to reduce their impact.
My two are easy from a behavior standpoint but one has ADHD and the other probably does & I suspect is on the spectrum. Both have health issues that when well managed aren't disabling, but require vigilance. I'm also divorced. So I built a strong network of support, refuse to worry about being super mom , and celebrate whatever good each day brings.
Your child must have traits and behaviors that bring you joy. Look to those when you feel frustration. Maybe

I've taken PEP classes, and I don't really find them all that helpful in general but especially with a SN kid. But if it works for you and/or the OP, great.

OP, I really do hope you're able to rally some support for yourself.

[Anonymous]

thanks for those who offered helpful advice. i appreicate it. tomorrow's a new day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You knew what you signed up for when you adopt. Did you think you would have a "perfect" child? You knew you wouldn't know much about the child's history and anything, delays and special needs could be possible.

Not sure what ivory tower you are posting from, but it doesn't matter. No one knows what parenthood is going to be like until they are in the thick of it. Get your judgmental ass back to the infertility forum and keep your projections about actual parents to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP----I know exactly what you are saying. We adopted older kids (siblings) and one has been a very very tough slog--to the point that I often question why the hell it is that I actually thought this would be a good idea (and even though friends and family constantly give me positive feedback about what a good job DH and I appear to be doing).

I think the PP who are suggesting the neuro-psych are spot-on. The truth is, depending upon the situation from which you adopted, your child may have complications from pre-natal exposures that only really begin to manifest as a child moves out of toddlerdom. Some of the things you are describing---the not listening, the delays, the constant oppositional behavior---are symptomatic of pre-natal alcohol exposure issues. Work to find a therapist who specializes in adopted kids---for a kid with FASD or reactive attachment disorder issues---you need a therapist that has a deep well of experience---we had to shop around before we found a therapist who was truly experienced. I second the recommendation for CASE. Adoptions Together's post-placement department may also have references.

And you know what---it's healthy to be honest---especially when you can vent to an anonymous board. And the truth is, no amount of preadoption and information training can prepare prospective parents for the day to day life of living with an FASD or attachment-disordered child. It is like living in a war zone---you never know what is going to trigger a screaming meltdown. For me at least, I can derive enough "good" parenting moments from my more neuro-typical child to help me survive all of the really miserable times with my more challenging one.

Hug to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Said the mother of the year at 16:40 "do lots of tv."

I am that mother.
If you choose good stuff, the kid learns something, and you can discuss it later. And he is calm and not running wild and destroying stuff (yes I know he needs to burn off energy and he can do it in his soccer class and not by destroying the house and annoying me and then I end up yelling).

[Anonymous]

You have a tough job, no doubt about it. And no one knows how hard parenting is going to be. Whether you give birth or adopt.

Many have said it, but take care of yourself. If it means that your daughter spends more time in aftercare, with a sitter ect. you have to take care of you. Because the thing about parenting is, you can't really just stop doing your job. It never stinking ends.

If you don't have support- get it. When DS was born I realized that I needed folks to be way more dependable then my current friends were. So I made new friends and set up support systems. Mind you we do not have tons of money so its creative outsourcing.

And you are right, each day is a new day. But I don't think parenting ever gets easier- we just get better.