When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

DD is almost 2. I love her a lot. She is amazing, but is high need. I am sure I should have never had kids. I ruined what could have been a nice life by having a kid. I thought I was a considerate and caring person, but I give up. When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do? Do you leave your kid with your spouse and go it alone? Do you stay here and be a shitty mom? What do you do?

[Anonymous]

You stay and try to get help.

Go to a therapist. Immediately.

[Anonymous]

3rd choice is to stay and work through therapy on being a good mom.

[Anonymous]

You say I am an adult and I made a bad decision and now I am going to live with the results because this isn't just about me. And then you focus on becoming a better parent.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. I hope some people see this as a cautionary tale that it's not "better when it's your own."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is almost 2. I love her a lot. She is amazing, but is high need. I am sure I should have never had kids. I ruined what could have been a nice life by having a kid. I thought I was a considerate and caring person, but I give up. When you realize you shouldn't have had kids, what do you do? Do you leave your kid with your spouse and go it alone? Do you stay here and be a shitty mom? What do you do?

Why do you think you are a shitty mom?

[Anonymous]

Two is a hard age OP. I've often felt like this, but you have to keep going. Is there some way you can schedule regular alone time for yourself (or time away from the family with friends if that is what you need). That helps me a lot. I thinkg in there heart of hearts almost everyone feels this at times. Hugs!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say I am an adult and I made a bad decision and now I am going to live with the results because this isn't just about me. And then you focus on becoming a better parent.

+1


This exactly.

You don't walk away. You don't do a shitty job. You work on improving yourself and you get help (therapist) so you can do a good job for this little person you created and have 100% responsibility for.

[Anonymous]

I got a REALLY good nanny.

[Anonymous]

You get help.

You admit that it's ok to not like everything about parenting, but that you still love your kid, just like it's ok to not like everything about being married, though you still love your spouse.

You take all possible precautions to not have a second child.

[Anonymous]

You hire a lot of child care and do the best you can. Or, you talk to your spouse and find out what will happen if you leave.

Whatever you do, you need to be a responsible adult and not just disappear.

[Anonymous]

If you love her, you should realize what a profound impact leaving would have on her.

[Anonymous]

I think one of the choices should be "realize she's only 2 and that that's not known as an awesome age for every kid and chances are she may grow out of whatever is annoying you right now." Your kid could go from an annoying 2-year-old to a really hilarious 3-year-old and a really interesting 4-year-old.

I sometimes think I would have been perfectly ok not having my daughter. She was unplanned. I had a great life before her. I wonder sometimes if I've completely derailed my chances of ever getting married. But I love my kid like crazy even when she's driving me crazy. Sometimes ESPECIALLY when she's driving me crazy, because sometimes those times are when she is most like me.

Perhaps you need a little more time to yourself, so you get to see glimpses of the person you were before you had a kid? It can be easy to lose yourself in the grind sometimes. I exercise daily and get out socially at least once a week - those things help a lot.

[Anonymous]

I vote for option 3 mentioned by others - stay and work through it with therapy.

When DD1 was very young, I think I was depressed and often felt like I just didn't enjoy parenting and everyone would be better off if I left because I was such a terrible parent. I honestly thought that she would be better off if I was gone. Same with my DH, who I thought would be better off without me around and he could find someone else to marry/parent DD1. I got through that way of thinking with time (and I think I had undiagnosed PPD that lingered for a year or so), and now I realize how extremely damaging it would have been to DD1 if I had left, even though I thought it was for her own good. I think I was just overwhelmed with depression and was not able to see it. I am not saying life is perfection now, but I do love my family so much and enjoy my time with them and see how detrimental it would be to everyone, myself included, if I had left.

So, my advice would be to seek therapy. Your daughter will not be better off without you (unless you are physically abusing her or something like that). Your daughter deserves a mom who will try to make things work out. Also, YOU deserve to have a better outlook on the situation. I sincerely think that you can work on this and make it better. There are a variety way of improving our situation depending on your economic status. If you have the funds, you can hire nannies, babysitters, etc. If you don't, you can talk to your husband about how to divide parenting tasks so that you handle ones that are less stressful for you, or that you are better at.

[Anonymous]

My dad is a shitty father. He is an extremely successful person in life in general. He provided for us and my siblings and we got above and beyond what we needed. But he shouldn't have had kids. My mother agrees (now of course) that he did more damage than good being around.

My siblings and I would've been better off with him sending my mom a check and seeing him on the weekends, then living with him.