Children after the Divorce
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Sabrina55
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
About 5 years ago my husband of ten years cheated on me with one of our children's friends mother (and a few other people, that I found out about afterwards) Our children at the time were 8 and 10. The day I found out is the day it was over, my children found out why it ended so abruptly, I thought we were doing good before that and we even spent the previous weekend as a family at the beach. There was no fighting or anything that prepared the kids for this, or me for that matter.
My daughter refused to see him for weeks. They did see me sad, but I never talked bad about their father then or now, I save that for my friends. I would never keep my kids from their father and believe everyone deserves to have a mom and a dad in their lives. After custody was decided my daughter was forced to go, I would encourage it and say you'll have fun, go to a movie, chuckie cheese, dinner, etc. I wanted them both to have a good relationship with both of us. After years of not wanting to go and getting out of it whenever she could and her now being a teenager, she refuses, I still try to talk her into it, telling her she has to have forgiveness in her heart, people make mistakes. He has done some very hurtful things to her beyond the affair. For years I have been trying to get him to go to her concerts, her sports games, her award ceremonies, show some interest in her life, etc. when he does show up it is rare but I never tell her it is because I have nagged him all week. I can't stand to see her hurt, looking for him and me making up some excuse of why he might not be there again. He went back to the single life, drinking, dating, bachelor for awhile. My question is do I keep trying to get her to go with him, even just for dinner, not for a whole weekend and do I keep trying to get him to be the father she deserves or any father at all at this point or do I just let her see the man he really is and step out of it? It breaks my heart that he doesn't know her, what an amazing girl she has become, so smart, so sweet, so much fun to be around and that she doesn't have a dad that would give anything to see her, not that has to be guilted into it. I can't imagine going a day without seeing her or talking to her and he goes weeks/months without even a text. Our son does still go on the weekends he is supposed to and looks forward to spending time with his dad. For years he was supposed to also take them two nights during the week, but never did. After seeing how much my son wanted to see him more, I kept nagging his father to come at least one night during the week to pick up his son for dinner. The nights he doesn't show up, my son is crushed. Or he would say he was coming for them and be one to two hours late, after I made sure the kids were home from their friends and ready to go. He complains to my son about money that he has to give me and that I brainwashed his daughter to not want to see him. My son tells him that's not true, that I try to talk her into going and tells me he just blanks out when he says negative things. This is also another reason my daughter does not want to go, she was sick of hearing the constant complaining about how he would have more money to do things, if he didn't have to give it to me. My main goal in life is to do right by my kids, no matter what and it's hard when I don't know what that is. I don't want to be in the future looking back and thinking I should have done things differently for them, I want to figure out what it is and do it now. People tell me I am just prolonging letting them know who their father really is by making excuses for him and not telling them the truth. Example: He didn't go to her elementary school graduation ceremony because he thought it was stupid and no big deal "It's not like she's graduating from college" I told her he had to work late. Thanks for reading, any suggestions would be appreciated. |
Anonymous
| So your children now are 13 and 15? I think they are mature enough to make their own decision on if they want to go to dad's house. If the kids don't want to go and the dad doesn't care if they go or not then let it be. Don't force either one of them, dad or kids. |
Anonymous
| Just stay out of it and be neutral. Stop pushing your daughter in any direction. Just stay pleasant and she may come around but maybe you're overdoing it by being pushy. Let her make her own decision. |
Anonymous
| My biological father told me he wanted nothing to do with me because of how he felt about my mother. Is there any chance your ex is punishing your DD because of you? |
Anonymous
|
PP I know you are trying to be helpful, but that is just a line men use. Seriously, your bio father is making excuses for his own short comings as a Dad.
I'm only a few months out, but I think that you should listen to your daughter. Frankly it sounds like your ex needs to prioritize her to gain her trust back. I would tell him that she doesn't want to visit and you won't force her. Make some helpful suggestions and leave it alone. You can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. How did you teach your son to stand up for himself and your family? I worry my ex will pull the same stuff someday. |
Anonymous
| I would try to move on and forget about him. Maybe you'll meet someone new and the kids will like the new guy. Time passes. |
Anonymous
|
Your daughter's situation is similar to mine when my parents divorced and I entered adolescence. My dad didn't cheat and wasn't a d-bag in such a blatant way, but we had a very strained relationship after years of being close. I think it best that you let your daughter decide how and when she wants to see her dad. The two of them will develop their own kind of relationship over time, and you don't need to be involved in that.
|
Anonymous
| I agree with backing away and not trying to make things perfect for your DD. You can't change your ex and you can't force the relationship. But what you can (and must) do is make sure your DD is okay and feels loved (not rejected). I think that means you have to really listen to her and show her you are respecting her feelings. If that means no dad, then that should be fine. |
Anonymous
| I don't know what to tell you about your daughter, but I am curious about what you ended up doing about the fiance who was unwilling to pay his fair share in your house. You kind of left that thread unfinished and a lot of people were certain that you were not being honest about your situation. I note that this post makes no note of that man whatsoever. |
Anonymous
This. I'm also curious if either of your children have been in therapy. In your other post, you were engaged to an incredibly manipulative and controlling man who caused your children to be underweight because he controlled their food too much. If your children haven't been in therapy yet, please get them in it. Absent dad who shows no interest in their life and constantly lets them down plus manipulative and controlling man who used to live with them is a recipe for disaster. Please, get them into therapy. |
Anonymous
|
Read the Sandcastles book on divorce. No matter how much of an ass your ex is, protect your children as much as you can from having to acknowledge that. They will figure it out on their own eventually.
When you are young, having to think your parent is a jerk means YOU are 50% jerk. Having to listen to your dad complain about supporting you makes you feel unloved and rejected. Don't lie to your kids but don't ever do or say anything negative. Sandcastles book stat. |
Anonymous
Completely unrelated issue and wanted to get an outsiders opinion without adding the thousands of other issues going on that don't play a part in how to deal with wanting my daughter to have a relationship with her father. |
Anonymous
As for people thinking I was being dishonest, I don't know what to tell you, I stated the facts to get some feedback, because sometimes it's hard to see things when your in it. |
Anonymous
Thank you, I will get it ASAP. It doesn't make sense to me how people bad talk their ex to their children, to hear bad things about your parent is heartbreaking and it wasn't going to come from me. I've heard where that can also really come back at the person in the future. I just don't want anymore regrets in my life. Your response has made more sense to me then any other suggestions from people I know, that tell me I am just prolonging them knowing what a piece of @$!% he really is. |
Anonymous
Reread the original post, he did not cause us to be underweight, he would complain about waste, me and my kids are not big eaters regardless and they were under the curve way before he came into the picture. They were given whatever meals and snacks they wanted and if they didn't finish it, I would deal with the issue he had with it. In no way were they ever not fed more than enough and it is absurd to take that so out of context. |