Am I Overreacting?
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Anonymous
| Hello all. I don't know if you can help, but I just have something that is bothering me and keeps playing over and over in my mind. I've been doing lots of Google searches on the topic, but I still feel uneasy. A few nights ago, DH and I got into an argument. Nothing new. And it was on something we have argued about before. But he really started annoying me because he kept asking the same question over and over again, and I kept answering him and telling him that was my answer. Finally I told him i was going to be, grabbed me stuff and went into the room. I could hear him calling my name from the living room, but i didn't answer because i didn't want to yell and risk waking up our daughter, so i just finished what i was doing and then started to make my way in his direction. By that time he was coming down the hallway and he looked very angry. I honestly had never seen him look that mad. He said something about me walking away and then shoved me towards the room. My first reaction was clearly a defensive one because I had never been in that situation before. I pushed him back and told him not to touch me. He shoved me again and this time pushed me down on the bed. After that, all I can remember is him holding me down and me screaming and kicking. I just keep playing back in my mind how loud I screamed. It shocked me because I had never screamed like that before. Eventually he got off of me and I pushed him away. He asked me what was wrong with me and why was I acting like that. I was sitting on the bed shaking. I told him that he has never put his hands on me like that before and held me down. He kept asking me to show him how he was holding me, but I couldn't. I just know I couldn't get up and for those few seconds I felt like i was fighting for my life. He acknowledge the fact that he shoved me. He justified by saying that he was mad I walked away from him and he shoved me into the room so he could talk. He also made a point of saying that if he wanted to hurt me he could and I know it. He eventually did apologize, but it was several minutes later after i kept going back to that incident and expressing how much it scared me. After all of that he had the nerve to try to have make-sex. I was not interested. But my reason for posting is because I don't know if i'm overreacting or thinking about the situation. Should I have left, or had him leave? Could that really just have been an isolated event? Is it my fault? I usually consider myself being smart and not naive, but I will admit that when it comes to him, I have def made some STUPID choices. I've always said that a man has one time to lay his hands on me, but does shoving really fall under that? Sorry for the rambling, just needed to clear my mind. Thanks! |
Anonymous
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You are not overreacting. Not your fault. Yes, he put his hands on you in a very unsafe, unacceptable, and inappropriate way.
Do not sweep this under the rug. http://www.thehotline.org/get-help/help-in-your-area/ Please look at this website to find information and help in your area. If nothing else, just call to talk to someone about this. |
Anonymous
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You are not overreacting.
How long have you been together? Is he controlling in other ways? Is this an extension of who he is or is this totally out of character and out of left field? Have you ever put your hands on him before..pushed him or shoved him? |
strongone
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OP I'm very sorry this happened to you. I'd better know how to reply if I could hear from your DH -- how he felt in the moment, what his perspective is, etc. -- to help figure out if this is an isolated event or a sign of something worse. I think you need to look at patterns:
- how often in a typical week does he get yell at you? - when you do fight does he call you names or humiliate you in some way? - does he keep track of where you are, who you associate with, etc to an inordinate degree? - does he prefer to go out alone, but hates it when you do? - when you fight, is it about you personally or other things, like money? does he always make the fight personal? that's just a start, and don't consider them isolated from one another, but take it all together. If it sounds like he's often angry, possessive, denigrating towards you, etc. it might be a sign that he is abusive. But I hesitate to say for sure. To me, shoving, laying hands on my DW, calling her a name, etc. is COMPLETELY out of bounds in a fight and should be for all men. Glad you're questioning, I think you should be. Figure out whether the patterns point to an abuser and if so, get out now. Either way, your husband should see a counselor/therapist about that. I would. No way I'd accept status quo if I laid hands on my DW. |
Anonymous
| OP here - to answer a few questions....we've been married a little over 2 years. Dated off and on 4 years prior to that. We've had arguments in the past, but he has never looked that angry before, or reacted that way before. I've never laid hands on him, and he has never laid hands on me. He doesn't call me names or humiliate me, but I do always feel like things are my fault. I do think he knows how to get sympathy out of me because he forever has a sob story that makes me feel bad for how i acted and turn all my attention to him. Like the world is against him. I am always saying 'im sorry' for something. He has admitted that he thinks he has a personality disorder, but has yet to seek help. I did speak to a spiritual counselor about a year ago, but DH won't agree to go with me. But think you all for listening, and I will check out the website that was provided, and consider if there are patterns i can pinpoint in his behavior. |
Anonymous
| My DH would never, ever lay his hands on me- not even to "just shove me" in a room. As for being held down on a bed, I panic when I feel like I'm trapped (is that claustrophobia?) and I would have WIGGED THE FUCK OUT. I don't think you overreacted at all. I think it would be very reasonable to ask him to leave for awhile (at least a few weeks) while arrangements for counseling are being made. And if, after counseling, he ever does it again- you just leave for good. |
Anonymous
| I think you're under-reacting. |
Anonymous
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How old is your DD? Imagine her in that very same situation. Now do you think you overreacted? No, you didn't. Address this now with a counselor. This is not something you can work on by yourself or with your DH alone. He is pushing the boundaries and your reaction to this will tell him how far he can go the next time.
Now think about your daughter again. This will be her future unless you do something. Don't second guess yourself. Every abuser counts on that insecurity to give them more power. |
Anonymous
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You're not over-reacting.
I like the PP's suggestion to imagine your daughter in this situation, and then give yourself permission to protect/care for yourself as aggressively as you would your daughter. I'm so sorry. |
Anonymous
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OP here -
My daughter is 1 years old. And that post really made me think. Actually it brought tears to my eyes. I would NEVER want her going thru anything remotely similar to this. Thank you! |
Anonymous
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This isn't a helpful response at all, but when you say he was holding you down and you were kicking and screaming, and then he asked you to show him and you couldn't?
Was he trying to manipulate you? kind of like, "well if you can't show me I guess it didn't happen" type of thing? The way you describe it is almost as of you blacked out "All I can remember is..." |
Anonymous
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OP,
What's scary here is he seemed to justify the pushing with an intimidating assertion that if he wanted to hurt you, he could. All before apologizing. I would make clear that this is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it, but with a tone that you want to learn to avoid future escalations together. I would suggest couples therapy, if you think it would help. Did he black out? |
Anonymous
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Man here - what he did was a sign that he has it in him to solve problems with violence. My DH hit me in the beginning when she couldn't get her way. She always said she'd never do it again. Well, it took me leaving for a while for it to really stick. The point is - someone who has the propensity to use violence will do it over and over again until you draw a line in the sand. Even then, they may never learn.
People whose minds allow them to let anger manifest itself in that way are dangerous. I yell, scream and curse when I've really had it. that's where my inner demon goes. I never touch anyone when I'm mad. Hitting or pushing someon - physically intimidating them in any way shows that this escalated far beyond his ability to control himself. He displayed a "fight or flight" reaction to a situation where it was not called for. He may apologize - the make up sex thing is a little weird - but he will be back to that point again and you have to wonder what he will do. If you stay and are scared to hold your own in an argument because he may shove you again - you're not doing yourself any favors. You have to get the kid out of the house and then have someone escort you over to explain to him that you're on a one month shoving break. You'll be back and things can go back to normal, but if it ever happens again - one month is forever. |
Anonymous
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OP here -
I didn't black out, but i can't tell you how he held me down. I just know i was being restrained. I don't know what he was trying to imply by asking me to show him, but I've decided that I'm going to tell him that we need to separate for a couple of weeks because this is really bothering me. When we come back together, then we need to agree to counseling. |
Anonymous
| If he has no history of abusing you I think you are overreacting. Men are wired to be a little violent. Restraining you on one occasion if never repeated is really not such a big deal. You can all scream as much as you like but from a male perspective, I think you need to cool it. |