Does Low Libido= Lack of Attraction?
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Anonymous
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The "If I had known this was the case, I wouldn't have married you" thread had me thinking. Those of us who claim to have low libidos, mostly women. Is that really the case or are we just no longer attracted to our spouses? We all know that sexual excitement/passion diminishes with the length of a relationship, the newness wears off and the urge to copulate like rabbits disappears. So is this diminished attraction really to blame for our low libidos? I suppose there is no real way to prove this theory without cheating or performing a clinical experiment, but I wonder how many sex drives will ramp up if the LD spouse is matched with some new attractive hunk she's into. Will he get her juices flowings again or will she still feel blah about sex? And if he does get her juices flowing, how long will it last before she gets bored again and loses interest just like she did with her husband?
I will use my case as an example. My DH is still attractive but really familiarity has set in so much now that his touch doesn't get me all hot and bothered like it use to. His kisses are familiar and they don't make my knees buckle the way they did during our first years of dating, naturally, I don't jump at the chance to have sex anymore and I rarely initiate. And bless his heart, even when he tries something new, it's still hard to get over that familiar feeling. I'm pretty sure he feels the same about me, my touch and kisses. But I still masturbate and respond to sexual stimuli, even have the ocassional crush and definitely notice attractive men. Any LD spouse want to chime in? |
Anonymous
I think this is key. I used to masturbate every day from age 4-28, and then it tapered off to where it is now: Never. When I touch my clit or nipples, I feel nothing. That can't be anything other than hormonal, right? (I'm the one about to start testosterone cream.) |
Anonymous
| I'm attracted to my husband in a different way. I crave his touch, but not in a "take me now" way, more in a "hold me for hours" way. The rare occasions I get a snuggle, other thoughts are likely to surface, eventually. But unfortunately, his "attraction" hasn't changed in the last 20 years, and an innocent cuddle is likely to turn sexual (for him) far before I'm ready to do anything about it. So I don't even initiate cuddling anymore, because his body interprets it as a sexual advance, and then I have to disappoint him. Very frustrating for all. |
Anonymous
Interesting, why do you think this is pp? Do you think about sex at all? in general? Say you're watching TV and some erotic scene comes on, do you get sexually stirred in any way. |
Anonymous
Curious if this indifference to sex extends to him potentially having sex with someone else? Or is it more of a preference that he not have sex with anyone. |
Anonymous
Who said I was indifferent?? I said I still want him! I just don't want him in the same way I used to, and it takes time (way more time for me than for him, hence the problem) to get back to where we used to be. And to the PP, I occasionally, in line with my cycle, have random horny thoughts. And yes, something blatantly erotic still triggers a physical response. |
Anonymous
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Sadly, it is him.
My libido is high, for myself and other people (though no action on my part, not for lack of pentiful opportunity). He has gained weight and his big belly and flab just digsust me. He wants more sex and I've told him that his lack of muscle definition in his hulking upper body and his sizeable pony keg are big turn offs. He does nothing, so I guess he does not want it that bad. He seems to be hard all the time, but I guess he choose food and TV over me. nothing is more irritating that bearing 2 children, working Full Time, and exercising to keep my tall frame in a size 4 and my ass high and tight and then to have a husband that eats too much and never exercises. A real bait and switch. When we met he played bball and kept fit. During my first pregnancy he went to shit and never recovered. Breach of contract! |
Anonymous
Ouch! It definitely goes both was guys. Women are visual too. |
Anonymous
10:38 here. I don't think any of you qualify as LD, except maybe 10:47.
I don't want my husband to have sex with others because it's an intimate act, and I don't want him to have that intimacy with anyone besides me (and I do WISH I could want sex), the same way I wouldn't want him having deep, soulful conversations with any other women either. |
Anonymous
I guess I misread that you were indifferent to having sex with your husband from the line where you said, "So I don't even initiate cuddling anymore, because his body interprets it as a sexual advance, and then I have to disappoint him." From that I got that you're not particularly interested in making the effort (his and yours) to get your body warmed up. But, maybe I'm not understanding the dynamic correctly. |
Anonymous
Real life scenario: 10pm. Kids are in bed, kitchen is clean. I snuggle up to my husband on the couch because I love him and I want to be close to him. Five minutes later, he has his hand up my shirt. I laugh, give him a quick kiss, and go off to "finish up a project". Because if I tell him to slow his roll, he'll huff and say "well, if you don't want to..." and then not talk to me for the rest of the evening. Alternate (preferable) scenario: 10pm, kids are in bed, kitchen is clean. I snuggle up to my husband on the couch because I love him and I want to be close to him. We cuddle and discuss what we're watching on TV, our crazy co-workers, funny things the kids said today. I relax. We kiss. Mostly lips. Then we cuddle some more. Then some more kissing, longer, deeper. Then, at 11:30, he can put his hand up my shirt and hope to get somewhere. Because it is literally impossible for me to "turn on" the intimacy and desire that I need, either physically or emotionally, in the zero-to-sixty time frame on which his libido operates. And even then... it just doesn't happen every time. I can't even promise him that in return for his hour+ investment in us that he'll get laid. Sometimes the switch simply doesn't flick. No matter how attractive he is. |
strongone
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I think you're wrongly assuming your husband hasn't been thinking about sex with you ALL DAY. His desire likely didn't turn on in 5 minutes, it could've been 5 hours of a low burn that flamed up when he got close to you.
I say that because that's how I operate. I get a little charged when close, but it's only because I've been at a low burn all day long. |
Anonymous
damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy. |
Anonymous
| Let him go. It is not fair to do that the another person. |
Anonymous
What about "Damn, five minutes from hello to hand up the shirt? Poor woman." |