Does Low Libido= Lack of Attraction?

[Anonymous]

Np here.

I'll answer the question as you posed it OP. Yes, for me, my low libido was a reflection of not really being attracted to my xH.

Here's the twist: I was NEVER sexually attracted to him. I married him for a lot of other reasons, and we got along well, and I respected him and we were friends and he is objectively decent looking and and and ....

But, I was never hot for him. I never once looked at him and said, My god, I must rip off his clothes and go fuck him, pronto. Be that as it may, I did in fact have sex with him as my buddy and fantasized about people I actually did lust after. This was fine for several years.

Then, though, when the inevitable crises came up during married life, or just the day to day, and he became a little more callous, and took me for granted, well, let's just say that I began having "low libido." What is worse than having ongoing sex with the same man who you're not attracted to? YES! Having sex with the same man you're not physically attracted to who treats you increasingly poorly.

So I stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np here.

I'll answer the question as you posed it OP. Yes, for me, my low libido was a reflection of not really being attracted to my xH.

Here's the twist: I was NEVER sexually attracted to him. I married him for a lot of other reasons, and we got along well, and I respected him and we were friends and he is objectively decent looking and and and ....

But, I was never hot for him. I never once looked at him and said, My god, I must rip off his clothes and go fuck him, pronto. Be that as it may, I did in fact have sex with him as my buddy and fantasized about people I actually did lust after. This was fine for several years.

Then, though, when the inevitable crises came up during married life, or just the day to day, and he became a little more callous, and took me for granted, well, let's just say that I began having "low libido." What is worse than having ongoing sex with the same man who you're not attracted to? YES! Having sex with the same man you're not physically attracted to who treats you increasingly poorly.

So I stopped.

Hmmm, I'm in a similar spot and i married my DH because he is a good man and I could see that he would be a good father one day.

My situation is different because my husband has always treated me like gold and remains a good husband, best friend, and excellent father. Problem is, he is my best friend and not my lover. I'm restless, but I could never hurt him. He fulfills all of my emotional needs, but sexually, not so much.

If I could have an open marriage, I would be perfectly content. We've danced around the idea, but never truly discussed it. I don't think he could handle it, but for me I know I would be find with him screwing someone else, as long as he came home to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell has time for 90 minutes of foreplay on a weeknight? We go up half hour early on sex nights - 30 minutes total for everything. Sheesh.

Cuddling = foreplay? Why can't cuddling be cuddling? Why must EVERY physical interaction lead to intercourse??

Because it feels good. Why do people consistently turn down orgasms?

It feels good for YOU, maybe. For me, it's quite painful. (Nerve damage caused by giving birth. And yes, I have seen doctors, and no, they haven't been able to do much.) I can, and do, get through it... with preparation. But it would be very nice if intimacy and intercourse weren't always linked. Although... with enough more no-pressure intimacy, who's to say what's possible...?

I dare say you are the only poster on this thread who has a medical excuse to avoid sex. Your situation is not what we're talking about here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Pretty solid guarantee that he'll have a happy wife and a less tense marriage after the "investment", though.

Seriously, guys. Grow the fuck up and figure out that there's more to life than sticking your dick somewhere wet. How simple can you possibly be??

I totally disagree, and I'm a woman. We certainly used the 45 minutes both kids were out of the house yesterday to our advantage....though there was no cuddling...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:damn, that's a whole hour and half of "warming up". Poor guy.

And no guarantee that he won't have blue balls after the investment. Good lord.

Pretty solid guarantee that he'll have a happy wife and a less tense marriage after the "investment", though.

Seriously, guys. Grow the fuck up and figure out that there's more to life than sticking your dick somewhere wet. How simple can you possibly be??

You should try it sometime. I love him sticking his dick in my something wet. Simply love it.

[Anonymous]

Whenever I find that my sex drive is running low, I take a good hard look at myself in the mirror. I usually have a high sex drive, so if it's abnormally low it's usually because I feel like I've been neglecting my own personal appearance. No one feels sexy when they've gained 10 lbs or realize they're rockin a unibrow or have bags under their eyes. Getting my diet back on track coupled with a spa day or a cute new outfit usually helps. I'm not saying it isn't possible that you may no longer be attracted to your spouse, but definitely examine your own self first.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, chief.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I'm 42 and am coming off a year of incredible hormonal fluctuations. I am horny all the time. My dh and I have sex 5-6 times a week, and I initiate more than half the time. Before this year, it was more like 3-4 times a month and it felt like a chore. I totally get what a pp said about the all day slow burn. My husband can touch me now and in one minute, I'm like, let's go. What I have learned this year is that a woman has to come to bed already a little turned on, especially in long term relationships where familiarity can kill the passion. You can't wait for your dh to warm you up. You have to take responsibility for your own desire. I watch sexy movies or scenes (usually not porn) and read erotica to get myself going. Also, I think women are not so great at recognizing the subtle signs that they want sex. There's always something else to be done or organized or whatever. We have multi-tasking minds and it really can be hard to let it all go and focus on one thing. So, yes, OP, a year ago I would have said my low libido was mainly due to my lack of sexual attraction to my dh. Now, I know it's a case of recognizing and cultivating my own imagination and taking advantage of the impulse when it arises. Bonus: we get along better now than we have in a long, long time, and we are really affectionate outside the bedroom. I feel so much more connected to him.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I feel bad for your husband. I really do, it seems love is not playing a big part but rather vanity. One day dear age will have affect and those breasts will droop and your butt will sag. Maybe he then will look at you in disgust as you look at him. To bad you are married, because if not I would say he needs to find someone who loves him big belly and all! I will tell you, my man has gained weight and I still find him as attractive as ever!! I love him for him, for how he makes me feel and being in love is so much more important than being a "hot couple" . Looks fade!! But the inner you is what you will have and yours really seems to be lacking!!

"For me there is another factor here. THe fact that I maintain myself and he is proud of how I look as compared to most women my age with kids, heck I look better than most 23 year olds. Why is it that he thinks it is OK to let himself go to pieces? Why can't I have a spouse that looks amazing as well? He is not an ugly guy and he has the body that easily build muscle and has a nice shape, but he wastes it. I guess that is what I get for marrying a big jock. When that muscle is not in use it turns soft and flabby.

At least he has stamina. He can go on a hike an keep up and he can run when coaxed out. If I had a husband that huffed and puffed when running a mile, I would throw up."

[Anonymous]

Honestly I feel bad for your husband. I really do, it seems love is not playing a big part but rather vanity. One day dear age will have affect and those breasts will droop and your butt will sag. Maybe he then will look at you in disgust as you look at him. To bad you are married, because if not I would say he needs to find someone who loves him big belly and all! I will tell you, my man has gained weight and I still find him as attractive as ever!! I love him for him, for how he makes me feel and being in love is so much more important than being a "hot couple" . Looks fade!! But the inner you is what you will have and yours really seems to be lacking!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it is him.

My libido is high, for myself and other people (though no action on my part, not for lack of pentiful opportunity).

He has gained weight and his big belly and flab just digsust me.

He wants more sex and I've told him that his lack of muscle definition in his hulking upper body and his sizeable pony keg are big turn offs. He does nothing, so I guess he does not want it that bad. He seems to be hard all the time, but I guess he choose food and TV over me.

nothing is more irritating that bearing 2 children, working Full Time, and exercising to keep my tall frame in a size 4 and my ass high and tight and then to have a husband that eats too much and never exercises. A real bait and switch. When we met he played bball and kept fit. During my first pregnancy he went to shit and never recovered. Breach of contract!

Ouch!

It definitely goes both was guys. Women are visual too.

Yes, we are!

For me there is another factor here. THe fact that I maintain myself and he is proud of how I look as compared to most women my age with kids, heck I look better than most 23 year olds. Why is it that he thinks it is OK to let himself go to pieces? Why can't I have a spouse that looks amazing as well? He is not an ugly guy and he has the body that easily build muscle and has a nice shape, but he wastes it. I guess that is what I get for marrying a big jock. When that muscle is not in use it turns soft and flabby.

At least he has stamina. He can go on a hike an keep up and he can run when coaxed out. If I had a husband that huffed and puffed when running a mile, I would throw up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like if it were as simple as basic hygiene he'd get on board. So, either 1) it's not that simple; or 2) he's not all that interested in sex with you.

I've seen the goalposts move. At various times, I believe it's been suggested to me that a new bed, carpet, not hassling her about money, dishes, laundry, and taking the kids places would help with her libido. None of those things helped much.

Basic cleanliness, keeping fit, being a little distant, and being more direct when I feel like we should have sex have helped more than anything else.

[Anonymous]

dw explained why she has no interest in sex anymore since kids were born 10 yrs ago: marriage and sex is for reproduction, sex in itself is dirty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dw explained why she has no interest in sex anymore since kids were born 10 yrs ago: marriage and sex is for reproduction, sex in itself is dirty.

Sex is for reproduction in much the way that marriage is for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dw explained why she has no interest in sex anymore since kids were born 10 yrs ago: marriage and sex is for reproduction, sex in itself is dirty.

Ugh I'm sorry (woman here). Does she at least still do it or does she flat out refuse?