Forum Index
»
Infants, Toddlers, & Preschoolers
I'm 39 and have a 9mth old-can't decide if we should have a second or not?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
JillMomMD
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
I'm sure that this has been discussed before but I'm new to the forum so wanted to get a fresh opinion. I am relatively healthy but overweight and I'm nervous about 1) health risks for another child that would come when I was 40 or later 2)financial strains-which we already feel with our normal bills and 1 child 2) will this be a strain on our marriage 3) life seems relatively easy with one--
at the same time-the thought of never being pregnant again is sad-I loved being at the hosital when they brought the baby to me--breast-feeding again, etc. I can't wrap my head around taking care of two though-Help! anyone who is in this boat with any suggestions or opinions--or anyone who decided to have another or not-love to hear your take--worst case scenario, etc. |
Anonymous
| If you're going to miss being pregnant and the hospital experience-but not sure about having another child-I think you know how you feel. |
Anonymous
| What does your husband think? |
Anonymous
|
I know-I mean it's more than the pregnancy-I look at all the stuff we have and think our house is big enough for two-is it selfish of me to take away the chance for my baby to have a sibling? Everytime I think I have decided I feel rocked in the other direction. I can't even describe how much I love being a mom-I feel so happy that sometimes I look at our baby and just get tears in my eyes of pure joy.
My husband I think is open. He thinks if we're going to try we should do it soon before the age factor gets worse. (but that means having two that are young and I know that will be hard no matter what) Sometimes I feel like my reasons are selfish-I love to travel so much and with one it's affordable--or grandparents could watch him--but with two-would we even be able to afford vacations? So confusing! I know I need to look ahead and think-do I want to raise two teenagers-hard to say |
Anonymous
| Here's another factor. How would the addition of another impact on your current DC? There are so many ways to look at that, I know, but my view 7 years after adding number 2 is that I've ensured they both have best friends (each other) for life. |
Anonymous
| gotcha--How far apart is the 7 yr old and the older one? |
Anonymous
| I have two boys under 2, who are 15 months apart. My husband and I are also both over 40, and we work full time. The ticking of the "biological clock" made us have them so close together. It is quite hectic. Some days, it's 10 p.m. at night before I realize I haven't even showered. This is with a full time nanny. But, the children are SO worth all of the hard work. It's wonderful to see them interact, and take interest in one another. We also love the feeling that, god forbid, something should happen to my husband and me, the children will at least have each other.... Good luck with your decision! |
Anonymous
|
I've had the same angst as the OP, just a year or two younger. Vacillated a lot, then had to convince my husband. Once he was on board I got pregnant easily.. and then miscarried. 18 months later I finally just got another positive test. It's been a difficult ride, and of course now that it looks like we'll finally have #2, I'm scared witless about how we'll manage (I'll be 40 by the time #2 arrives, so all the health stuff as well). But #1 has brought so much joy to our life, and for me that factor outweighs the work/cost/sleepless of another.
FWIW, my advice to the OP would be that if you have any sense you might want another, it's better to try now than to regret it at 42/43 when the odds decrease dramatically. And know that, sadly, conceiving a healthy second pregnancy can be a long and agonizing process, even if it wasn't the first time around. |
Anonymous
Thanks-Best of luck with your second baby! I am afraid of miscarrying too and I know that is a real possibility although I didn't have a problem once I finally got pregant the first time. I appreciate the advice. I know that it will be ok either way-we just have to really consider each option and then go into it with our eyes wide open. That is the one thing I know-I did not want to decide and be mindless about it-I want to know what to anticipate-good and bad  We'll see
|
Anonymous
|
There are of course, various reasons for having only one, but speaking as a 41-year-old first-time mom who hopes to have #2 in another year or so...I think you're overblowing the health risk factor. You had the first when you were what, 38, 39? It's not as if your body looks at the calendar on the day you turn 40 and says, "okay, come on with the health problems." Certainly, there are risk factors at 40 that are not so worrisome at 25, but the difference between 38 and 40 is just not that big. You will be more likely to miscarry than a 25-year-old, but truly, the odds are still in favor of having a healthy child.
|
Anonymous
PP, this may be true now, but it may not be in the future. One simply cannot expect that this is going to happen in every case. |
Anonymous
| yes-I agree with the poster that said I am over-blowing the health issue perhaps. I think what I didn't say earlier is that I worried until he was born about his health because I had not had an amnio--I think I would this time if we decide to go forward because I worried myself to death. Another concern I have is that for some reason I get panicky over hardly anything lately-not sure if that is a hormonal thing since having a baby but I worry that if I feel stressed about small things now-will I be totally over-whelmed with two little ones screaming-etc. There are a ridiculous amount of factors to weigh and I don't seem to come up with a gut response-Part of me wants to go for it and just try and see how fast I can get pregnant--another part pictures the stress and sleepless nights and maybe taking on too much--Husband is helpful but works long hours-- |
Anonymous
|
I will deliver number two at 40 and I had a lot of your feelings plus my first pregnancy was awful--I was so sick the whole time that I wondered if I could handle it again. But..there was something inside of me that knew I just wasn't done and one night after a few too many glasses of wine--whalallllll we are onto number two I guess I am saying is sometimes we overthink things. The big surprise is that this pregnancy is sooooooooooooooo much easier than the first. I have had almost no morning sickness, tons of energy and less weight gain. I think I had read into so many posts about how hard it was going to be pregnant at my advanced age. The reality is that every pregnancy is different. Personally I think there will always be a financial reason to justify not having a child but very rarely do you have someone say-gee we shouldn't have gone for the second--I think you will be happy with a second child since it seems like you really want this. That being said--I do think some families know that they are happy with one child and that's their family plan and that can be great as well and usually there was never any doubt that one child was what would work for them.
Good luck! |
Anonymous
| OP I can really relate with your post. After doing some serious hard thinking, I 'm done with one. |
Anonymous
|
So your reasons for wanting another child is simply the attention of the hospital staff post partem and BFing? Not really good long term reasons for wanting another CHILD (not baby, for they aren't babies long).
But, OP, I can relate, because I too loved the attention at the hospital, the generosity of friends when they brought over dinner, my MIL gushing over DD, the feeling of importance knowing this little person needed me and I was her entire world, etc. However, as we all know, there is more to it - it is a life changing decision, whether child #2, 3, 4, etc. It is good you've thought about it - financially, emotionally, (not only now, but 5 years down the road dealing with toddlers, then dealing with teenagers, then dealing with empty nesting) etc. You'll get a lot of advice and suggestions on this board, but ultimately, it will be up to you and DH. Good luck. |