I'm 39 and have a 9mth old-can't decide if we should have a second or not?

[Anonymous]

I thought I said this earlier but since I can't go back and edit my posting--I would not have a baby because I liked being pregnant or liked the hospital stay-(which I must be insane to actually say but Holy Cross was so great) I am trying to be a forward thinker-I am being realistic about money and energy and my current family dynamics. My main thought is--should I giving my son a sibling- and financially we would struggle a little but ultimately probably could figure out how to afford it-- I feel content now and don't feel like someone is missing but wonder if I will deeply regret it later. I appreciate the person who said that when they become a toddler it gets harder because he has been EASY! So then I would have an infant and a toddler--I realize this would pass but not sure I'm up for all that-
Maybe the fact that I do have so many doubts is a sign but there is something that makes me feel very sad about closing the door and I know I don't have too long to decide. I almost feel like there is not the perfect answer for me.

[Anonymous]

15:01/15:05 here. I understand, OP -- I'm past 40 and still wonder about whether to try for a second. You don't have to close any doors right now, but you're right that there is no perfect answer -- for you or for anyone. There are also no "shoulds." Sure, it's wonderful to have siblings who are emotionally close, compatible, etc. There are also no guarantees of that happening. And you simply cannot know what will happen, or what you will regret later. Try to focus on now, stay more in the the present, and give yourself some breathing room on this. You truly do not have to decide right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The costs for care are scary, no matter how you cut it. Even elementary school isn't exactly the reprieve we were expecting - in Montgomery County, before/aftercare costs $700 per month -- plus you need to consider summers, etc. But these are issues you can research and try to plan for; I did a spreadsheet after much goading from my husband to figure out how we could manage under different scenarios (work, stay home, PT, how long for maternity leave, etc.) I never actually showed it to him but it helped focus my mind on what the sacrifices would be, etc, and made me feel hopeful about the prospects even when he was still reluctant about #2.

$700 a month for before/aftercare? Is this the cost for one child or more than one? Which aftercare is this?

[Anonymous]

Thank you 15:01, 15:05. I appreciate your input and didn't realize that you also had only one child. You are right-I am not going to decide right now. If I had to the answer would be no but maybe that will change after he is a year-It wouldn't be that far off.

My sister also has an only child so at least he will always have a close cousin which does give me some comfort.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am 38 and we decided to stop at 1 child for many of the reasons you listed in your original post. We are very content wtih our lives right now. We have talked about in the future adopting an older child in foster care (for example a 7 or 8 yr old) when our DD is a teenager. Nothing definitive but just an idea we have considered, since we know we don't want another biological child, but don't necessarily want to close the door on a larger family later (and later, I would probably not be able to get pregnant).

There is nothing like having your own child, but I am sure there is also nothing like providing a safe and loving home to an infant/child in need who isn't biologically yours. I know this may not be an option you are interested in, but I urge you to simply keep an open mind and heart as there are lots of different ways to increase the size of your family if that is what you decide to do at some point in the future when you can no longer conceive.

Good luck in whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

Thanks PP--IT's nice to hear from someone else who was happy they stopped at one (But I agree-it's nice to consider other ideas for down the line) Why if I may ask did you decide not have another biological child-were you worried about health risks or did you feel that you would be overwhelmed with two young ones(which is probably my biggest concern)

[Anonymous]

I would also like to add that there is no guarantee that siblings will be "best friends" or even close to it. I know that I'm in the minority, but I have never been close to my brother who is three years older than me. Far from having someone to grow up with, he made my childhood a living hell with constant torment and teasing (and many trips to the hospital). We are still not close and can't see that ever happening. This is something that I considered long and hard when thinking about having one or two. Don't mean to put a damper on things but just wanted to interject some reality.

[Anonymous]

I am 17:01. We decided that we would stop at 1 b/c we are so content the way things are now. We love being able to focus on our one child, but also can have a balanced life, doing things we did before we had a child. With one, we have energy and time to go out with friends (ie, I can meet my friends while DH takes care of our daughter, or vice versa). A second biological child would also negatively impact my career.

We also are very afraid that we would both be unhappy with an infant in the house, and cannot bear the thought of dirty diapers, sleepless nights, etc. all over again, which was very stressful on our marriage the first time around. We could also afford private school if that's what we decide is best for our DD, whereas with two or more, private school would be impossible (hopefully we'll have more money in the future for kids' education, if we decide to adopt in say 10 yrs or so).

We basically decided not to let any external societal pressure influence us -- we both realized having more biological children just wasn't for us, but we think we could handle/enjoy another child later, when our first is more grown up. In other words, I know could not handle and would be miserable with 2 young kids at the same time, but I think I could be a good mom to my own teenager or older child, and an adopted child. I don't know if we will ever adopt, as it is really only an idea at this point, but I do know that we are a happy family of 3 now.

[Anonymous]

Oh I can relate. I'm 37. my dh has two kids from a previous marriage. They are 15 and 17.

When I met my husband he didn't want any more children. He agreed to have one more because it was very important to me. I agreed to have one too.

Then our little bundle of joy came 6 months ago. I love him so much. It's brought out every maternal instinct in me (feelings I never could have comprehended). Problem is I want to keep open the possibility of having another one. DH does not and is adamant about it. He wants to get a vasectomy.

I'm so torn because I weigh...on one hand - having one child would mean more resources for our little baby boy- schools, college, travel ect. On the other hand, I have a sibling - my sister- we are so close and going through life with someone who shares your common history and truly knows you is a gift I would like to give to my son.

It's causing a lot of friction between me and DH. I try to think about being content with only one, but then I have a deep longing for another child to love and care for.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm in the exact same position. Totally relate. I'm 44, my son is 16 mos. DH has a daughter from previous marriage and can't imagine having any more (unless we were to win the lottery and hire a big staff to take care of us all). I so long for another even though I'm well on in years and we're already overwhelmed by demands of two careers and family. I feel SO lucky, love love love being a mother. It's hard not to yearn for more. You're not alone!

[Anonymous]

I had #1 at 37, #2 at 40. I had concerns--fianancial, stress on marriage (no us time), physical (now 40# overweight-20 w/each child), energy for an infant... but as I type thls w/ 1 hand b/c my little bundle of joy is sleeping on my other arm, I know we made the right decision for us. We have been lucky-both kids seem to have good temperments--and I am so much better prepared for an infant this go round.

I say if you want 2, go for it. staistically speaking your risks go up but th odds are still overwhelmingly ib tyour favor.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP who mentioned $700 per month for aftercare. That's the quoted rate for 1 child at Wonders which is the aftercare provider for the elementary school that my son will attend in Montgomery County. We're not there yet, and I'm hoping that somehow that's a misprint or that there are other options... http://www.wonderschildcare.org/registration/fees.php?id=mcps

[Anonymous]

I have 5 1/2 year old twin girls--had them at 40. Kids close in age keep each other company. Once they get to this age they play together endlessly (yes, also fight....) but at the end of the day they have each other.

Two is very different from one for sure--in all the ways you mentioned. And yes, you won't be able to travel for a while. It's just getting easy now to travel. Very independent at this age and they understand safety, etc.
If you have another soon, they'll keep each other happily occupied. The longer you wait, you'll be dealing with different school ages, lots of logistic differences.

Whatever you decide, good luck!

[Anonymous]

This may be a very personal topic but it has helped me tremendously to discuss it here and I appreciate anyone who gave input-positive or negative (except maybe the one person who questioned why I posted this-isn't that the whole point of this forum?)

We spent some time talking more in-depth about it yesterday- We decided that we would officially decide around Christmas-therefore if we go ahead the kids will not be less than 2 yrs apart which was one of my concerns--also we get to see what it's like to have a 16 month old and can make a better decision. Since I know I don't want three we even discussed me getting my tubes tied at the birth as I would need another c-section (if anyone has done that please tell me what it was like)

[Anonymous]

I just read the posting about the husband who wouldn't change diapers. I feel sick to my stomach for her. I would never consider having a second child if my husband acted like that--I feel like I have no problems now--I really wouldn't know what to do-- I feel like my posting is so unimportant now after reading that-I could honestly cry for her. (if you don't know what I'm talking about you should go read it-much worse than what I have written about it) No one deserves that-not her children or her.