I'm 39 and have a 9mth old-can't decide if we should have a second or not?

[Anonymous]

My advice is to go for it quickly before your baby starts to not be a baby and you feel life getting "easier." If you start trying shortly, by the time baby no. 2 comes No. 1 won't be a baby any more and then you will really miss your baby and will be so glad you have another one coming.

If you love being a mom so much it is bringing tears of joy to your eyes, you are going to miss this baby stage even more in a year from now.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself this: 15 years from now, which would you regret more?
a) having put yourself through a few years of overwhelm and stress related to caring for two children, and now having to raise two teenagers OR...
b) never being able to have a second child

Also, which thought would haunt you more?
a) My life could have been so much easier if I stopped at one child! Why did I put myself through so much stress?
b) I wonder what my second child would have been like, where their life would be going, what moments of joy they would bring me, and how they would have impacted the life of my first child...

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think it's odd that people routinely take polls on message boards like this, about questions that are so intimate and personal that even people who know this couple should not be weighing in on, let alone total strangers?

[Anonymous]

21:15 - Odd? Maybe 5 years ago the thought would have been unfathomable. Welcome to 2008. I have mixed feelings about the absence of face to face contact. But even in this virtual world, I've found that I've forged quality relationships. and for a good quick answer to virtually any question I have -- from wise, experienced, and like minded individuals -- forums like this are invaluable. Thanks DCUM and fellow posters!!

[Anonymous]

It's funny that the poster said that about how odd it is that I am asking strangers about such a personal decision. It's one of the reasons I did it--because it is so personal between my husband and I that I don't really want to involve my family, etc. Their judgements would make me more self-conscious where on here I can talk freely!

Also--we 've been discussing the financial factor-I don't have a sense of how much more it is per year to raise a second one-anyome who has a sense let me know!

I appreciate the points that one of the PP's made about trying to envision life down the road-it is so hard!! I guess because I grew up with a sibling I always thought I would have the standard two kids. Now that I am older I feel like maybe I could maintain a family, a job and be able to have the freedoms I might not with two-I feel alot of guilt though so I am still torn!

Seriously--Does anyone know of a professional person that helps couples decide this type of thing?

[Anonymous]

Now I think I'm more stressed--I just read the posting about-how much money people make that have nanny's--That made my head spin. Now I get why my husband thinks another child might be too much $$ for us-it's not the food or clothes-but the childcare part really puts you over the edge. I pay someone around 100/week and that is with me working part-time-I can't imagine going from 400/month to 3K--there is NO WAY. Plus-I am working from home but still-with two I could not be home and get anything done.

[Anonymous]

You could send one your oldest to daycare at that price, then as they get older, send them to kindergarten (which is free as long as you choose a public or charter school) and send the younger one to daycare. That way, you are never paying for childcare for more than one child. If you time it correctly, this could work out great.

If you have a finished basement (or one you could finish) with at least a bathroom (you can add a kitchenette), another option is offering a nanny a private apartment and $100/wk in exchange for part-time childcare. The nanny can still use her other time for other jobs, and since she will not be paying for housing, she will have all of that money for other things (this is about the equivalent of paying her 1000/mo, but at much lower cost to you). If this is something that might work for you, the investment of finishing a basement and adding a kitchenette (you can get refridgerators, microwaves, and even stoves for free or dirt cheap on craigslist) will not only help while your children are young and you need a nanny, but in the future, you can continue to rent it out for supplemental income. Actually, you can even rent it out to someone else and use that money to pay a nanny full-time (and have some money left for yourself).

Also consider what other services or accomodations you might be able to offer to lower the cost of a nanny...

You can also get a nanny share, which will cost you at least $300/wk, but it's less than paying for a nanny alone. Au Pairs are also cheaper options, and there are some posts on the nanny discussion board about that.

You can try talking to a couples counselor as they might have some insight on how to make this choice. If not, they'll at least be able to recommend someone else to help you.

There are always solutions for everything! Let your heart, not your pocket, make the decision.

[Anonymous]

The costs for care are scary, no matter how you cut it. Even elementary school isn't exactly the reprieve we were expecting - in Montgomery County, before/aftercare costs $700 per month -- plus you need to consider summers, etc. But these are issues you can research and try to plan for; I did a spreadsheet after much goading from my husband to figure out how we could manage under different scenarios (work, stay home, PT, how long for maternity leave, etc.) I never actually showed it to him but it helped focus my mind on what the sacrifices would be, etc, and made me feel hopeful about the prospects even when he was still reluctant about #2.

[Anonymous]

Okay, I'm going to respond to your request for even worst-case scenerios. I hope others won't flame me for throwing this into the mix, but here goes: I was exactly your age and my baby was the same age as yours when I was making the same decision. And it's not that I'd EVER give him back because I love him more than life itself, but my second child was born with multiple disabilities (not related to "advanced maternal age", just a genetic mutation that my husband and I could not have known we were carriers for). You have to be willing to spin the dice each time.

Beyond the changes and challenges everyone else has already described that come with more children, it's also possible to find yourself in a situation like ours, with several other things thrown into the mix: physical, occupational, and speech therapists; frequent hospital visits; lots of medical equipment at home like monitors that beep at night; long bus rides to a special needs classroom; unable to fly in a plane without oxygen; speech augmentative device; medical stroller; and I could go on and on. I'm just saying that you need to think about whether you could be happy with what you have, or if you really need to "see what's behind door number 1....". No one is ever really ready for a family situation like ours, and I don't regret having my son, but again I must say -- You have to be willing to spin the dice each time.

[Anonymous]

12:17 thank you for your candor. I really do appreciate it and I wish you the best. It sounds like you are both loving parents who are doing the best for each child.

AS for the other poster-thanks for your time=I do have a finished basement and bathroom but we probably won't ever want someone staying in the house. I had it growing up and I remember the fact that there was not alot of privacy and it isn't appealing to me--but it could have been an option (just not for us) Plus the way our house is-that is the one big area where one or two kids could comfortably play (and we still have other more formal areas of the house to keep nice)

[Anonymous]

This is such a tough question. I had my son at 42-very close to 43. He's the best thing that has happened to us-however-we're worn out I'm not sure we can do the infant thing again. I still work part-time, I can work after he goes to bed-and I think with 2-I'd be stretched. A nanny for 2-whew-I know what we pay for 1. I know I'm dealing with a very small window here-just turned 44-but I'm still not ready for #2.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to add a little perspective with the mother's age and the number of children.

This family made the news last summer when she gave birth to baby #17. Now she's pregnant with her 18th child!


http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-this-mom-will-be-getting-a-lot-of-presents-on-sunday/?gclid=CMOV_bPhupMCFQH0IgodOlpRDA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to add a little perspective with the mother's age and the number of children.

This family made the news last summer when she gave birth to baby #17. Now she's pregnant with her 18th child!


http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-this-mom-will-be-getting-a-lot-of-presents-on-sunday/?gclid=CMOV_bPhupMCFQH0IgodOlpRDA

Gee, that's something to be proud of. Not. I REALLY doubt this will help the OP make her decision.

OP, you asked about a professional to help couples decide this. As one such professional (a psychologist), I'll tell you that if you have to think about it this hard, that should tell you something. But why don't you go see a therapist together? If you're determined to decide this right now, that's the only thing I can think to suggest.

[Anonymous]

15:01 here. I wanted to add that the 19:36 poster is right on when she writes, "So your reasons for wanting another child is simply the attention of the hospital staff post partem and BFing? Not really good long term reasons for wanting another CHILD (not baby, for they aren't babies long)." And I would add one more thing: the infant stage is very easy compared to the toddler stage.

I wonder if you are feeling the (understandable) need for some attention and nurturing? If so, are there other ways you can get right now?

[Anonymous]

To the 43 yr old Mom--I know! I am tired at the end of the day too and I sleep well because my son sleeps through the night. Would most likely not be the case with the second (plus then I wonder if the baby would keep my son up so I'd be up all night trying to get them both down!)

I saw that woman who is pregnant with #18 on the Today Show-she is crazy! No disrespect but seriously that can't be good for your uterous I would think!