Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alexandria city is likely to see appreciation with the new mall if construction starts on all the other west end projects too

You think a new mall will bring appreciation? I thought retail was dead.

Demolishing Landmark Mall, building a hospital and mixed use residential/commercial. Might be akin to Mosaic.

Agree, the area hasn't really seen any investments in decades. Relative to other areas, particularly the eastern side of Alexandria, it is much cheaper but still very convenient. Bringing amenities could help reduce the gap and have the west end see comparable appreciation. The hospital will employ enough people at the site to help keep some of the retail alive and if you haven't been to that area you'll realize there isn't much retail that doesn't target the immigrant communities, which has made it fly over for the rest of us.

Anonymous wrote:They’re not moving to landmark mall.. They’re building a new hospital on the site of the former landmark mall. Big difference.

Thank you for the correction! I edited and updated the title so future viewers are not misguided

https://dcist.com/story/20/12/22/va-alexandria-landmark-mall-inova-hospital-campus/

Doesn't seem like the best use of the space IMO. The current hospital site will get redeveloped for housing. Interested to see how the plans for the current hospital shape up.

edit: Any thoughts on how this new plan could influence growth / QoL or impact values in the west end of Alexandria?

How old would you say they were when they had their first child?

Sometimes sickness or reminders of mortality can change their perspective and the dynamic of your relationship. I assume that despite your challenges you want her to survive and be healthy and independent. Having the support of family rally around you can help give them the energy to fight for their life

Anonymous wrote:You were protecting yourself. You had no way of knowing you wouldn't have had more time.

It sounds like she would have warmed to you coming out to her, and you two would have gotten to a good place.

And btw, you can have kids.

We definitely got to a good place. At the hospital, everyone knew me and they let me stay overnight with her even with COVID. They saw that my presence always calmed her down / she would eat more when I was there. It was tiring but rewarding beyond compare. It is when I think of these moments that I look back and say I could have spoken to her about it. I just want to hug her and tell her she is going to be okay again.

Would love to have kids one day. Would love to have a mini version of myself that I can watch grow although adoption is much more feasible. I have to admit I am scared of getting older and being alone, or even reaching old age. I lost both parents to cancer within a year of each other despite having no family history on either side and several relatives that have reached 75-80+, living in sub saharan Africa. Would hate to have kids when I am 40 and leave them as teenage orphans. That is a tangent from the original topic though

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom knew. She loved you. She knew you cared about her. You didn't need the showdown. It sounds like she did accept it, in her way. Maybe not in the most healthy way but that's family for you.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with this. Your mother knew you were gay. You said yourself that you tried coming out multiple times to her and she would essentially shut it down. But she knew. And she may have known before you ever did! The fact that you were close growing up and that you dropped everything to care for her when she was sick was a true expression of love and I'm sure it gave your mom a great deal of peace. I'm sorry that you are left feeling so alone and vulnerable but I agree with a PP that if your cultural community is unwelcoming, intolerant and judgemental, you need to leave it behind. You mention a brother. Are you two close at all? Perhaps he's also feeling alone with the deaths of your parents and this might be a good time to build/rebuild closeness with him. You have a shared history (in many ways) that no one else has.

My brother and I are trying to get closer. We just have very different personalities and find each other very annoying but we're trying. He seems to be more open to my sexuality now, not so much a few years ago so maybe things will get better. He really is all I have left in the family which I think he finally realizes so I'm cautiously optimistic. I've decided to stay local to the DMV area through the COVID pandemic so that way my brother and I can lean on each other.

I am happy I was able to make her final months as pleasant as possible. It is hard to look at a future without my mom or community but I will have to figure out how to deal with them once I have someone in my life to fight for.

Anonymous wrote:You are a good son. You did the right thing. I'm sorry your mom wasn't ready to accept your orientation. I'm sure you understand the lifetime of conditioning she was subjected to on this issue.
It doesn't matter now. She loves you and she wants you to be happy. She experienced and learned what she was here to experience and learn, and what you two shared was love and learning about love.

Always treasure her memory and go pursue your happiness. It's OK. Let it go now.

I fully understand her position on it. I just wish I wasn't scared / angry when she was alive to try to bring it up again. Things were VERY strict growing up and as a result my brother and I were fearful of my mother, who was this way because of her own upbringing and because my dad was mentally checked out. Raising two sons with an unsupportive / abusive husband in a foreign country with no marketable skills isn't easy. But my frustration and fear of getting pushed away from my family prevented me from speaking up sooner so it just pent up over time. I moved away and basically told her how much I hated her and wouldn't return calls for nearly a year. We'd text a little bit but I knew that she was bad at texting. She felt like it was out of no where and looking back I think she didn't understand how unhappy I was at home and much stress my sexuality was causing me. The hours I would spend praying and trying to find 'fixes' just ate away at me. This wasn't forced by her, but was something that I sought out. This was the same year when she moved out of our home in Alexandria to a small apartment and was feeling lonely. I could have been more mature in retrospect and the distance would have allowed for more conversations in small doses. When she told me she was sick I took the flight over the very next day and she would often ask why I was so angry with her. She seemed so lost as to how we went from being so close to so distant in her eyes overnight. I would drop some hints but I was scared. She was reluctant to get treatment and thought that might distract her. I always had an excuse for why not today even when she tried to make space to talk. I was never able to read between the lines with her and mis interpreted her attempts at jokes or sarcasm as intense criticism because she was so strict because I was so shielded around her.

Part of my guilt is how she waited a month to tell me. If I had just kept things between us more civil or been able to get my rebellious angst out of me / be more mature she may have started treatment sooner and would still be here with me. I thought I was showing her that I was strong by leaving, that I can stand on my own and don't have to feel mistreated but I was cowardly for not trying to fix the issues with her.

I know she loved me, like truly cared. I recognize that I also can't change the past and unless time travel suddenly becomes realistic. I feel like she would have come around. If she had, it might have made it easier for me to keep healthy relations with my relatives. We were so close in her final months, even when the doctors would say things are not looking like she has time, I just couldn't accept it. I thought they were going to try a trial drug or something and she'd have an amazing response, similar to her second treatment after the chemo failed. I was wrong and the reprieve I was hoping for never materialized. Only lasted a year when I thought 3 years was the minimum... She wasn't even old enough to get discount tickets at the movie theatre!

With time, I think she would have come around

You're right though, I can't change it. The loss is just so big and so hard to accept. I hope her spirit is out there watching me and is not ashamed. I hope she is able to see how happy I may be in the future

My mother passed away nearly 2 months ago from a rare and aggressive cancer in her early 50s. I just turned 30 and have been having a very hard time with the loss. I never thought I'd lose my mom so young. To make things worse my father passed away from cancer last year so the loss of my parents hits like a brick. I stopped working for several months to care for her and was at her bedside nearly every day since June and joined every doctor's appointment virtually or in-person for the last year. We did have one area of contention, and it was my sexuality. I had tried to come out to my mom when I was in my mid-20s and she wasn't having it. She was overwhelmed and basically said that she would cut me off if I ever came out. Growing up in my religious (Islamic) small immigrant working-class community, I was scared to be ostracized. I hoped that she just needed more time and tried a couple more times to speak with her about it but it didn't go far. After finishing grad school, I moved away and essentially enforced estrangement between us. For nearly a year she would call and ask me why I was upset and I would just lash back. In retrospect it was immature but I didn't feel like I had control in my life up to that point.

When she told me that she was sick, I came home immediately and just forgot about my issues. Everything felt so trivial when compared to the idea of losing my mom. She would often ask why I was so distant and I would always reference other issues (lack of respect, willingness to listen, not acknowledging my own goals as an individual, etc.) but I was scared to bring up that it was due to conflicts with my sexuality. My mom was sick and I didn't want to risk upsetting her or making her feel like she had to accept me because she was sick. At the same time, I yearned for her to eventually get to the point when she would say that I don't like this aspect of you but I can accept it. No need for flashy liberal speech etc, just acknowledgment that she would support me in her own way.

I didn't want to argue with my mom when she was getting weaker but when I look back on things, I feel like she wanted me to bring it up so that she could give a less strong stance. For instance, she would ask me if my brother was seeing anyone but stopped asking me / pressuring me to get married. Now, many of my relatives are pressuring me to get serious with my life as getting busy and striving for traditional milestones is one way to help manage the pain but no one knows I'm gay. My family is extremely homophobic, has casually been told that you can't be in the community if you live that life / will be alone forever. It is bringing up feelings of self-hate. I wish I was 'normal'. I would give anything right now to be straight just so I could have kids and lead a traditional life, as jarring as that may sound. Losing my parents makes me feel really alone, to have no one in your life that has a permanent love for you is really hard.

We were very close growing up. I'd help with chores and would try to teach her better English sayings and how to use a computer. She spoke to me about remarrying after my father passed away (before she got sick) and really valued my opinion. She depended on me through her final days. Our life growing up was hard, so not being able to show her my (future expected) success is hard. I was just so scared to see her look at me disappointed 😔

I wish I tried to have that conversation with her and wasn't scared to upset her. I wish I was able to recognize her desire for closure with me sooner. I think I would probably feel a lot better if I had done so.

Please be honest, was I too cowardly or selfish? Was I reasonable? Has anyone ever lost someone they love before getting the closer they were hoping for?

Has she looked to see if refinancing now would make it affordable? Rates have dropped since 2019 so it may not be as difficult