OP here. Ok, a lot of very useful lectures here from people who have never met me or my wife, thank you! I'm actually very surprised that not a single lecturing person asked whether my wife ever curses during an argument? She actually does! A lot less often than me, I agree with that, but certainly does, and not like "once a year". What, it has never happened in history of marriage that a person always finds an excuse when they do X, but when the other spouse does it, it's completely unacceptable? I figured you'd ask before jumping to conclusions and lectures.

It seems like a minor thing to change, so why don’t you? As I said before, is this the hill you want to die on?

If this was a hill I was willing to die on, we'd be divorced a decade ago. I AM most definitely doing my best, as far as it is practically possible. But a heated argument is a heated argument. If am VERY upset by something she said, things slip. Have you never yelled at your kids when you're angry, even though you wish you didn't? Since I now told you that it's a bad thing, can you now commit to never ever doing it in future? I'm not saying that cursing is ok. It's not. In a perfect world it would never happen, but humans are not perfect.

But it doesn’t matter if everyone on DCUM agrees that it’s not verbal abuse.

Well, I think it does matter actually. It does make a difference whether the situation is "I'm a verbally abusive husband and she's the victimized wife", or whether it is "I am doing my best to reach the unreasonably high bar that she set, mostly getting there, but occasionally I slip and say FK in a heat of an argument". I think if you were the one being labeled a "verbally abusive spouse", it would matter to you too. Like i said, i AM doing my best to reach the bar that she set for me, but I don't think I'm a verbal abuser if I slip once in awhile. Or maybe I am - that was the whole point of asking this question.

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