“Be a mom”

[Anonymous]

My kids are sick and my mom is coming from PA to watch them because DH and I both have important meetings tomorrow. She’s driving 6 hours and doing us a huge favor.

BUT

There’s a bad history between my mom and me. She was physically and emotionally abusive and allowed my dad to be sexually abusive (I told her, asked for help; she blamed me).

My kids are very irritable and can’t go 5 minutes without fighting. I texted my mom to let her know what she’s walking into. She texted me back, “Be a mom.” This is normal for her, but it always hurts. I just have to ignore it. Confronting it blows things up.

BUT! I AM a mom. I have been caring for sick kids and in and out of the urgent care all weekend. The kids are starting to feel better and are playing with each other a bit, hence the fighting. Hopefully they can go back to school Wednesday or Thursday and get away from each other.

Thanks for reading. I needed to vent. I can’t stand my mom but I need her help sometimes. We have no family here and no close friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. You deserved better as a child; you deserve better now.

You are a mom. And part of being a mom is recognizing imperfect truths about your kids, and giving fair warning to caregivers! You are a mom. And part of being a mom is asking for and accepting help and favors when you need it.

I hope that your local network gets stronger and more options become available to you.

I hope you feel better soon, and your meetings go well.

Wishing you all the best. I would give you a hug if I could.

[Anonymous]

How important are these meetings, exactly?

Abetting sex abuse is a hard no to spending any time “taking care of” my kid.

[Anonymous]

Your mom was physically and emotionally abusive and you are going to let her watch your kids? I am so sorry for what you have been through but I think this is a horrible, horrible decision.

[Anonymous]

No. Just no. Why are you doing this to yourself instead of finding a sitter???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Just no. Why are you doing this to yourself instead of finding a sitter???

DH is opposed to a sitter. My mol is good with the grandkids. Once it did look like she wanted to hit my 4 yr old son, but she refrained. If she ever hit him, she’d never see any of them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Just no. Why are you doing this to yourself instead of finding a sitter???

DH is opposed to a sitter. My mol is good with the grandkids. Once it did look like she wanted to hit my 4 yr old son, but she refrained. If she ever hit him, she’d never see any of them again.

Who are you trying to fool? Of course she would see them again, because you've long passed the point at which any reasonable person would stop having their parents come around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. You deserved better as a child; you deserve better now.

You are a mom. And part of being a mom is recognizing imperfect truths about your kids, and giving fair warning to caregivers! You are a mom. And part of being a mom is asking for and accepting help and favors when you need it.

I hope that your local network gets stronger and more options become available to you.

I hope you feel better soon, and your meetings go well.

Wishing you all the best. I would give you a hug if I could.

This is the kindest reply. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

So your husband doesn’t give a shit about your feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom was physically and emotionally abusive and you are going to let her watch your kids? I am so sorry for what you have been through but I think this is a horrible, horrible decision.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Just no. Why are you doing this to yourself instead of finding a sitter???

DH is opposed to a sitter. My mol is good with the grandkids. Once it did look like she wanted to hit my 4 yr old son, but she refrained. If she ever hit him, she’d never see any of them again.

This is a woman who let someone sexually abuse you. Why was that not where the line was drawn?

[Anonymous]

There is something really wrong with your husband if he thinks your mom is an acceptable babysitting choice.

You guys likely both need a lot of therapy. It doesn’t sound like either of you come from backgrounds that allowed you to learn how to set appropriate boundaries.

That said, your mom is totally wrong. Warning a sitter about how kids might behave or misbehave is completely normal and appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I would never allow that her to be around my children, ever. She'd never be an option for child care. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. Just no. Why are you doing this to yourself instead of finding a sitter???

DH is opposed to a sitter. My mol is good with the grandkids. Once it did look like she wanted to hit my 4 yr old son, but she refrained. If she ever hit him, she’d never see any of them again.

DH would prefer someone with a known history of abuse, to a sitter?

I think you need to examine why you married someone who acts like your mother.

I am sorry your mother said that, and very very sorry for what you went through. But you write about how it felt to have your mother continue to give an abuser access to you, and yet you do the same thing to your child.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a problem.

I think what your mom meant by “be a mom” is get control of your kids and get them to stop fighting. You can separate them, motivate them to compromise, etc.