Anyone else feel like being there for elderly parents was their downfall?

[Anonymous]

I felt genuinely good about being there for mom as dad declined over the years. Then her appreciation turned to fury and I became her punching bag. The emergencies increased and it was hell getting her to get help and stop lashing out at me. I keep setting boundaries and even after dad died she lashes out and her team tells her to stop going off meds. (She is still deemed capable of independent living),

Now I have my own family adversity after adversity-illness, hospitalizations, etc and I have nothing left. I still, haven't recovered from every emergency over years when dad was dying and while I am better at setting boundaries with mom and will take breaks from her I can't believe I gave so much. Maybe if I had stepped away I would have more reserves left to give my own family. I have a therapist and I have good coping skills, but really being there for my parents turned into just punishment. I should have forced them to use all their money to hire help sooner. Anything I did to help has been erased and mom just calls me selfish and seems to not care that her son in law and grandchildren now have their own health issues and other challenges. I made a big mistake. The road to hell was paved with good intentions and perhaps no good deed goes unpunished. Maybe I would have felt guilty if I had set limits earlier or maybe I would not be so utterly depleted. I hope this helps others feel less guilty about setting more boundaries. My therapist reminds me my generation and the younger generations needs to come before them and I have all I had to someone who could care less.

[Anonymous]

Did your father also lash out at you or was he appreciative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did your father also lash out at you or was he appreciative?

Good point. He was appreciative. That helps.

Yes, I totally did wrong forum and reported myself to get it moved.

[Anonymous]

Ugh Sorry OP. Dealing with aging parents is the worst, esp when the decline lasts many years. No advice but I too regret decisions I made so I could be more available for aging parents.

[Anonymous]

Well OP, I have refuse contact with my abusive adoptive mother who lives in another country for close to 2 years now and your post has helped solidified my resolve to continue going no contact. Maybe I'm too logical but I am of the opinion that if the relationship brings more heartache , what is the point???

[Anonymous]

Yes 100%.

My story is way too long, but suffice it to say that my elderly mother would've sucked the lifeblood out of me and my high school kids without a second thought. As it is, the minute i helped move her into AL this year at 85 after numerous falls etc, she turned her back on me, and has completely cut me and my kids out of her life. I spent years caring for her to the detriment of my own health and that of my own family. Now I've been discarded like yesterday's trash. She has ice in her veins.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I spent the last 10 years taking care of my parents. First at a distance (an hour away) and spending so much time there. At the time my DS was 5. I felt like I was pulled 2 directions. And it continued to get worse. The last 2 years have pummeled me. They made bad choices, spent most of their money and we're left to pick up the pieces. I have 2 siblings. Only 1 helps. It has depleted me and my life so much.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP. I feel the same. My biggest life regret is moving my family back to the East Coast to take care of my parents and another elderly relative. There was no other family - I am an only - and I thought I was doing the right thing. But it nearly killed me and my marriage. And in the end, I don’t really feel like I helped all that much, because despite being there for every - and there were many - ER visit, hospital stays, moves to and from AL, through hospice - all three of the people involved were just miserable and lashing out at me constantly. And when I say lashing out, I mean screaming horrendous things, telling me I was responsible for their impending deaths, criticizing every single thing I did, etc. I spent so much time triaging crisis after crisis in two states that I feel like I missed my children’s toddler years, missed career opportunities, missed time with my spouse and on and on. I needed up going part time at work to try to manage it all. And the worse part is that we now feel stuck here even though we hate it and want to move back West, because the last relative is still alive and over the years, our kids have settled in to school, friends, etc. It was so bad that I have intentions of preparing letter instructions for my children, now while I am youngish and this is fresh in my mind, telling them that I categorically do not want them to do what I did when I get old. I honestly feel like no good came of it and that I will never recover from the trauma and exhaustion of it all.

[Anonymous]

I see this with my in-laws.

My oldest BIL, who sleeps over at my MIL's and who takes care of the daily issues, is the one she has the least appreciation for. My other BIL comes to help every week, and she also complains about him. My husband and I live on a different continent, and the rare times we visit, due to Covid, it's like we're the angels visiting from heaven. It's embarrassing, and unfair, but very typical. We help as much as we can remotely, with medical and financial planning, but it's nothing like being on the ground dealing with stuff every day.

Old people are like toddlers - always asking for more, never grateful.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

[Anonymous]

In the middle of this now with folks cross country. Sister is doing the bulk of things and parents could easily fix their financial and living situation simply by relocating close to family, in a good independent living facility. My mother wouldn’t and now that she wants to, my father won’t. He’s disabled from a stroke and should have little say in the matter. Meanwhile, it’s all my fault that their bad investments left them broke. I’m not breaking our own family financially to support this when a simple move can make them flush again. They have no real friends there anymore as they are in their 80s and not healthy. There’s no reason to stay except stubbornness.

[Anonymous]

We're not at this point yet, but both sets of grands are already difficult in different ways, and DH and I are very clear that our nuclear family (us and our kids) are the priority. I would hope that my kids would make the same choice, if they ever come to that decision--which I hope they don't. Frankly, I spent too many years in therapy digging out of the hole my parents put me in to go back in their on their behalf. I deserve better and my kids deserve better.

[Anonymous]

It’s very common for parents to be meaner to the child who actually does the caregiving than the other siblings. A social worker told my family this. Interestingly, when we hired paid caregivers, my mom started being nicer to me
and taking out her irritation on the paid caregiver.

[Anonymous]

You are all making me feel better about the level of involvement with parents and in-laws. I have been feeling guilty and these responses are helpful.

[Anonymous]

I have given the past eight years to my parents — first when my dad was sick, through his death, and then helping my mom. Nothing I did was ever enough. I have recently put up boundaries and it is not being received well but I am DONE.