Anyone else feel like being there for elderly parents was their downfall?

[Anonymous]

Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

[Anonymous]

I moved far away to reduce my availability for emergencies and interventions. Other family is closer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

Thank you for this post - it’s nice to hear this kind of story.

[Anonymous]

Emotionally and career-wise, yes, being there for my elderly mother was my downfall. BUT-- financially, I learned my lesson when other family members/ "friends" took advantage of my dying father many years ago, and convinced him to change the beneficiary designations on his retirement accounts to disinherit me (his only child! parents were divorced and neither remarried, but he left a lot of money to his *girlfriend*). They also stole valuable property that I didn't know he owned (I got it back in a lawsuit many years later). I was halfway across the country in grad school, and my whole family (particularly my father) was adamant that I couldn't drop out or take a leave of absence. I wish I had taken leave to keep an eye on him and the financial situation.

I watched my dying mom like a hawk to prevent that from happening again (and like many other posters in this thread, my mom raged against me because I was the only family she had to take care of her, threatened to disinherit me and leave money to her friends, etc). I was only successful in this because her doctors finally declared her incompetent before she could change her will/ beneficiary designations (which left me everything). I'm still completely shaken by the emotional impact (and also still unemployed after quitting my job to take care of her), but the money I inherited was worth the career sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

While I think it is lovely you were there for your parents, I don't think you get just how abusive some elderly parents can get. Your advice of "just be patient" is tone deaf. Sure it's good to have empathy for someone a little snippy. What a lot of people are describing is those who likely crossed the line before aging and with aging became increasingly abusive. It is usually women told to suck it up, have empathy and "just be patient."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

While I think it is lovely you were there for your parents, I don't think you get just how abusive some elderly parents can get. Your advice of "just be patient" is tone deaf. Sure it's good to have empathy for someone a little snippy. What a lot of people are describing is those who likely crossed the line before aging and with aging became increasingly abusive. It is usually women told to suck it up, have empathy and "just be patient."

And I'm wondering if you have kids of your own to care for. Not a judgement, it just changes the equation in ways that are impossible to understand unless you experience it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Oh, so you get to kill yourself working until your 65 and then when you finally can retire you are denied medical care and told to suck it up and suffer? I don’t think that’ll go over well. You must be very young

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

good post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mother was a huge challenge- we never got along & I eventually only did the things I felt really obligated to- I was involved in her healthcare at the end and I'd order groceries and have Instacart deliver.

My dad passed a couple years after my mom; he struggled after her death and I ended up moving in with him.

It was an adjustment & I had to take time to myself sometimes because I'd get resentful. It helped to look at it from his perspective- he had been career military, disciplined, healthy and independent his whole life. He knew that he was starting to forget things, he knew he had to give up driving etc... Think of how that must feel

It's just life, at some point roles reverse and I just tried to minimize the things he couldn't do and still asked for advice on things that he could feel smart about- car stuff, travel, etc. If helped- I did whatever I wanted anyway but he felt better too.

I don't think it's always lack of appreciation- I think it's hard to admit you can't do the things you used to and expressing gratitude when I had to drive him to appts and stuff didn't really happen. He was upset he needed the help.

Anyway he passed recently and the night he died he'd seemed fine; I went out for drinks & I'd ask him to check on my dog while I was out. She didn't need anything, but she would sit with him and sounds dumb but I think he felt good being needed.
He was watching TV with the dog on the couch when I came home. Gave me a report of her potty activities and I thanked him and he went to bed. He was gone by morning.

I'm glad I had the time with him; try to be patient and realize it's not going to last forever.

Good luck- I ended up getting close with a couple of the neighbors, it helped having other people I could have step in occasionally.

While I think it is lovely you were there for your parents, I don't think you get just how abusive some elderly parents can get. Your advice of "just be patient" is tone deaf. Sure it's good to have empathy for someone a little snippy. What a lot of people are describing is those who likely crossed the line before aging and with aging became increasingly abusive. It is usually women told to suck it up, have empathy and "just be patient."

And I'm wondering if you have kids of your own to care for. Not a judgement, it just changes the equation in ways that are impossible to understand unless you experience it.

So this. In our case one of our kids has some special needs and medical issues. It amazed me how my parents could think their needs were far more important than those of their grandchild. My spouse had a life threatening event and mom was all "How dare you not visit more often!" Your SOL of 20 years is lucky to be alive and all you care about is me me me! Oh and she was totally healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Couldn't agree more. I think future generations will look at what we did to young kids during covid as a crime. We are bankrupting society trying to get the elderly a few more years of life, usually of crappy quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Oh, so you get to kill yourself working until your 65 and then when you finally can retire you are denied medical care and told to suck it up and suffer? I don’t think that’ll go over well. You must be very young

OP here. I think both of you are speaking in extremes. Nobody told anyone to "forget about the elderly." The advice I got was how to prioritize and that my kids come before parents and taking care of my own health comes before moms long list of demands. She didn't say "dump your crazy mother!" I also don't think we should retire and then be ignored. I think anyone in an abusive situation needs to have major boundaries even if that behavior is caused by a disease.I think it would be wrong for my children to make me a higher priority than my grandchildren and than their own health. Sometimes when the shit hits the fan everyone needs you at once and that is when you have to think that the younger generation comes first. My mother becomes increasingly selfish and abusive with age and I swear that woman could gaslight any of us into thinking we must wait on her hand and foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Couldn't agree more. I think future generations will look at what we did to young kids during covid as a crime. We are bankrupting society trying to get the elderly a few more years of life, usually of crappy quality.

Not everyone who died of covid was old. Pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Couldn't agree more. I think future generations will look at what we did to young kids during covid as a crime. We are bankrupting society trying to get the elderly a few more years of life, usually of crappy quality.

Not everyone who died of covid was old. Pay attention.

This and the decision to close schools to stop the spread was in part to do with fear of hospitals having to turn away covid patients and not having enough medical equipment. We did not know enough about how it spread etc. It was more complicated than saying old people screwed us because we wanted to keep them healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the more I read on DCUM about the abusive, hateful elderly parents the more I think we need to reassess the entire issue of aging.

Maybe we can just start refusing to provide any serious level of medical care to anyone over 65. This would hasten the demise of those who are problems, and would also eliminate a lot of the problems grown children have with having to deal with abusive parents - like the ruination OP's mother is causing her. Let them die out.

And no, this isn't radical thinking for anyone who doesn't agree:

https://www.cnn.com/2011/11/04/opinion/etzioni-elderly/index.html

OP, I noticed your therapist said that it is your priority to take care of yourself and your children and to forget about your mother. It's about time that the professional therapy community FINALLY has the courage to tell people to forget about their elderly parents because it seems that the majority are outright abusive.

Couldn't agree more. I think future generations will look at what we did to young kids during covid as a crime. We are bankrupting society trying to get the elderly a few more years of life, usually of crappy quality.

Don’t blame the elderly for the whole Covid fiasco. They’ve managed to live their entire lives without lockdowns and mask mandates until now. Retired people are not the ones making these decisions