realizing you're married to someone extremely insecure

[Anonymous]

... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. He doesn't believe in therapy and never apologizes for ANYTHING, which says a lot. If you want to have a real heart to heart, he clams up. He was always this way on and off but it's become even more pronounced during the pandemic and being stuck at home teleworking with him. Unless things are on his terms or he just happens to be in a great mood, it's very uncomfortable. There's just too much disconnect. Even the idea of inviting over friends is a big deal. Too much preparation and he'll declare he's not involved.

Back to the insecurity... one thing I've noticed is that he's not at ease around other men. He has only one male friend he's close to, but everyone else he just doesn't want to get to know. it's as if he's happy to be polite but also seems to write them off.

[Anonymous]

Find some side dick and stay in this marriage if it’s good for the kids. Win win

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. He doesn't believe in therapy and never apologizes for ANYTHING, which says a lot. If you want to have a real heart to heart, he clams up. He was always this way on and off but it's become even more pronounced during the pandemic and being stuck at home teleworking with him. Unless things are on his terms or he just happens to be in a great mood, it's very uncomfortable. There's just too much disconnect. Even the idea of inviting over friends is a big deal. Too much preparation and he'll declare he's not involved.

Back to the insecurity... one thing I've noticed is that he's not at ease around other men. He has only one male friend he's close to, but everyone else he just doesn't want to get to know. it's as if he's happy to be polite but also seems to write them off.

Man, this sounds like my exH who was in the autism spectrum. I tried everything but he only got worse, more uncommunicative, angrier, more meltdowns, more isolating. Terrible role model for the kids and they started copying his lies, deflections, and stonewalling. I didn’t really have a choice to stay, he wasn’t a father or husband or friend.

[Anonymous]

Make plans with your friends and he can stay home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Him not being at ease around other men seems less relevant to your relationship - that seems a bit nitpicky but everything else you mentioned would be intolerable to me. But it sounds hard-wired (spectrum?) and I’m guessing he was like this when you dated/married him.

[Anonymous]

Yes. When you need some loser side chick that is awful, lazy and never worked a day in her life to tell you are so wonderful, Manly and gorgeous because your are a pathetic loser that needs constant validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. He doesn't believe in therapy and never apologizes for ANYTHING, which says a lot. If you want to have a real heart to heart, he clams up. He was always this way on and off but it's become even more pronounced during the pandemic and being stuck at home teleworking with him. Unless things are on his terms or he just happens to be in a great mood, it's very uncomfortable. There's just too much disconnect. Even the idea of inviting over friends is a big deal. Too much preparation and he'll declare he's not involved.

Back to the insecurity... one thing I've noticed is that he's not at ease around other men. He has only one male friend he's close to, but everyone else he just doesn't want to get to know. it's as if he's happy to be polite but also seems to write them off.

Man, this sounds like my exH who was in the autism spectrum. I tried everything but he only got worse, more uncommunicative, angrier, more meltdowns, more isolating. Terrible role model for the kids and they started copying his lies, deflections, and stonewalling. I didn’t really have a choice to stay, he wasn’t a father or husband or friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. He doesn't believe in therapy and never apologizes for ANYTHING, which says a lot. If you want to have a real heart to heart, he clams up. He was always this way on and off but it's become even more pronounced during the pandemic and being stuck at home teleworking with him. Unless things are on his terms or he just happens to be in a great mood, it's very uncomfortable. There's just too much disconnect. Even the idea of inviting over friends is a big deal. Too much preparation and he'll declare he's not involved.

Back to the insecurity... one thing I've noticed is that he's not at ease around other men. He has only one male friend he's close to, but everyone else he just doesn't want to get to know. it's as if he's happy to be polite but also seems to write them off.

Man, this sounds like my exH who was in the autism spectrum. I tried everything but he only got worse, more uncommunicative, angrier, more meltdowns, more isolating. Terrible role model for the kids and they started copying his lies, deflections, and stonewalling. I didn’t really have a choice to stay, he wasn’t a father or husband or friend.

OP here. I've thought a lot about the possibility of him being on the spectrum. I've been thinking that what I've chalked up to quirks and imperfections we all have are much bigger issues. It is very hard to have a comfortable, easy-going conversation as he often veers into being over-logical to the point of frustration. It seems to have worsened over the last year.

[Anonymous]

Was he always this way? Which part of him was attractive when you guys were dating?

[Anonymous]

Man these threads really depress me. My Dh is such an undiagnosed Autism Spectrum guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

The problem I have with your post is realizing this with your husband when it should have been realized before marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

The problem I have with your post is realizing this with your husband when it should have been realized before marriage.

Come on. Is this really helpful?

When you choose to stay with a person it's because you believe that the good outweighs the bad. People are not static; they always change, and sometimes they get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

The problem I have with your post is realizing this with your husband when it should have been realized before marriage.

Come on. Is this really helpful?

When you choose to stay with a person it's because you believe that the good outweighs the bad. People are not static; they always change, and sometimes they get worse.

There is truth to the....Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not.

op's 'realization' is almost a justification as if she has less responsibility for her current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

The problem I have with your post is realizing this with your husband when it should have been realized before marriage.

So helpful, Ms. Perfect, yes it’s maddening people make mistakes, people change and we don’t have a time machine to go back and fix them.