realizing you're married to someone extremely insecure

[Anonymous]

OP you could be describing my husband. It’s really, really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Him not being at ease around other men seems less relevant to your relationship - that seems a bit nitpicky but everything else you mentioned would be intolerable to me. But it sounds hard-wired (spectrum?) and I’m guessing he was like this when you dated/married him.

OP here. the reason I mention this issue with other men and relating to them is that this impacts socializing. Not that I'm really big on having lots of couple friends, but it's very awkward when your couple friends with kids invite your family over for dinner or want to meet up at an event and your spouse just has no interest and stays home because they prefer to focus on their solo activity. Try always explaining that to people.

[Anonymous]

He must know his limits socializing or know he is embarrassing himself. This sounds like a disorder, certainly introvert at a minimum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:... and with significant hang-ups that always put them on the defensive. DH is not very social, even less social due to Covid, and probably loving it. I really can't live this way anymore. I don't find him enjoyable to talk to. He's either always in a joking mode where it's like I'm talking to a cartoon character, or angry and defensive. Every day there's unease and conflict. We have kids. I hate the idea of divorce for their sake but I hate the idea of living on eggshells for the next decade or two.

The problem I have with your post is realizing this with your husband when it should have been realized before marriage.

Haha, you mean during the early carefree, few responsibilities beyond yourself no-children, no-house, no-extended family days?? Just love bomb someone, tag along to social things others set up, work, eat and sleep.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my GF who is extremely possessive and insecure. She throws a hissy fit if I messaged my ex-wives about kids if they are sick. She sees everything as a threat to our relationship and her gaining weight makes her non-stop go after he being fat and losing weight, etc.

[Anonymous]

I almost married someone like this. Thankfully I came to my senses in time and ended it before marriage or pregnancy; he would not have been a good father or male role model. Like others have mentioned, the signs are almost always there, women just either ignore it or don't see it or think that they will change. In my case, I was attracted to him and he had a lot of great qualities. And when his insecure behavior crept up, I thought to myself, well no one is perfect right ? Not a big deal since he had other positive qualities. But ultimately I saw that his insecurity made him a very negative and troubled person.

Anyway, unfortunately I do not have much advice for the OP since she already has kids with him. I would think long and hard if your life and kids life is improved or harmed by having him in it. And hopefully this post can be a cautionary tale to others out there with insecure partners.

[Anonymous]

This is not insecurity, it’s an inability to think of others or enjoy socialization. Where he’s it’s total self centeredness or social insecurity or introverted— the result is the same: lonely partners, zero emotional support, poor verbal
Communication, and once in sensory overload or made to talk about “feelings” it’s anger lash outs.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever been tested or diagnosed for ADHD, Asperger's/Autism, etc?

My 13 year old son has ADHD and while he's gotten SO much better, his greatest challenge BY FAR directly attributed to his ADHD, is something that most people would never think is a challenge for those with ADHD...

picking up on social cues.

Once he was diagnosed, then of course I found out through all of my research that the majority of kids with ADHD, also struggle with picking up on social cues.

As I mentioned, he's gotten SO much better after working with his therapist for the past 2 years, as well as all of us in the family (dad, siblings) chipping in and working with him -- whether it be discussing real life scenarios that he will probably find himself in during high school/college, then asking him what he thinks he would do if put in those situations and if his answer was way off base, just explaining to him what people typically might do.

It's like night and day, from before he was diagnosed until now.

The reason I'm bringing this up is, if he does have an undiagnosed LD/SN, it would explain why he's so socially awkward, he's content to only have one friend (his friend probably REALLY gets him, is a low maintenance friendship & his friends doesn't have too many expectations from your husband), it would explain why he gets easily overwhelmed at the mere thought of doing something social with others & would realllly explain why he can become so easily angered & frustrated.

If he's got an undiagnosed learning disability, special need or mental health challenge (such as anxiety) it would help to explain So. Much More about him and why he is the way he is and why he does the things he does.

I'm very sorry OP, I don't know what the correct answer is here, but I wish you luck.