Friend keeps pressuring me to hang out when I can't.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend that I met when I was a SAHM, we spent a lot of time together, both us and our kids are very close.

Now that our kids are in ES, I've started working, so I don't have as much availability to hang out during the day. She's started complaining that I never hang out with her anymore, even though we still see each other once a week or so. I've tried to arrange playdates and time together, but she often can't because her kid has afternoon/evening classes during the week, and her husband wants weekends to be strictly "family time".

She also cancels on me quite a bit, like I had invited her over for yesterday afternoon and she accepted, but then cancelled last minute because she forgot her kid had a class, and she wasn't feeling well. I'd day about half the time I make plans with her, she cancels.

I'm a little frustrated because she claims that I always cancel on her (to my knowledge, I have cancelled a few times but not many), she says I ditch her for my boyfriend (I mean, yes I can't come over on a whim all the time because I have plans with him, I don't think that's wrong), and she says I never go to her place (I was just at her place last week, then I invited her to my place this week).

She also complains that I don't hang out during the day anymore. Which is true, I am usually working, and although my work is flexible, I can't just bail every time she wants to hang out. I've pointed out several times that she has kid's classes and "family time" during my availability, and she just says that if her kids don't go to classes, they don't behave, and if she hangs out on weekends, her husband is in a bad mood. Which is fair I guess, but that shouldn't mean I'm the only one compromising on availability.

Yesterday she invited me to come over for a sleepover tonight. My kid is with her father, so I don't really want to go. Sleeping over at other people's houses isn't that fun for me. I said no, and now she keeps calling me to ask over and over, pressuring me to go, and say I keep ditching her for my boyfriend.

I don't want to lose our friendship, but I don't want to hear every day that I don't give her enough attention. I enjoy spending time with her, but not when half the time is crapping on me because I'm not available 24/7.

How can I let her know nicely that I don't want to be pressured, I still want to be friends, but I can't always drop everything for her?

[Anonymous]

This being "dump 'em" DCUM where posters love to tell OPs just to ditch people, feelings and past history together be damned, you're going to get those kinds of replies.

But I would say, as you seem to like her other than this one huge blind spot she has about your time -- If your job has some daytime flexibility, can you schedule daytime meet-ups well in advance? For instance: "Hey, with the job I can't hang out during the days. It can work if I schedule it, though. I could have coffee Tuesday the 22nd, any time before 11. Can we schedule that as a definite date?" Etc. I'm betting you've tried that and she has had to cancel due to kids etc. in the past, maybe. But if it's during the school day, would that work?

She seems as if maybe she doesn't have other friends to see, or doesn't have a lot occupying her.

If she continues to pressure you, and she is pressuring you annoyingly hard (I do see that) -- I'd put the ball in her court and say, "I like seeing you but we've already discussed how weekdays don't work for me, and after-school times and weekends don't work for you. What do you suggest? Can you come up with some dates and times that work for us both?" I'm thinking she might get balky and just expect you to drop things during the day but it's worth trying.

As for her DH's "weekends are 100 percent for family time!" stuff, unless he works some job where he truly never sees his kids at all during the week, he's being ridiculous. An hour or two-hour meet-up for a walk or coffee and chatting is not going to devastate anyone's weekend family time. Maybe he doesn't want her to leave him alone with their kids!

[Anonymous]

I think PP is reasonable.

I would be super offended if my friend thought her spending time with her husband was more important than me spending time with my boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I would never treat another adult the way your friend is treating you. All the guilt-tripping and complaining is not normal, I think.

Seeing each other once a week is A LOT for adults, especially with kids and jobs. And the idea of an adult sleepover... I have honestly never heard of anyone doing that.

And I don't see why her husband can't allow her ANY time to see you on a weekend, even something like one weekend a month. At the very least you could have a group playdate with all your kids. If he won't even allow that, that's weird.

I mean, overall, your friend just sounds really weird to me.

[Anonymous]

Friend's DH sounds creepy and controlling. Pouting if his wife hangs out with a friend for an hour or two on the weekend, really? I hope she is not being abused.

[Anonymous]

No one who insists that weekends are solely for family time has the right to complain that anyone else "doesn't hang out enough." That's ridiculous. Especially so when one of the people in question works.

[Anonymous]

Why not try to compromise?

For example, for tonight - why not say "I don't want to sleep over, but I'll come over for a movie night tonight!"

Or if her kid has a class, why not grab a cup of coffee with her after she drops the kid off and is waiting for the class to end?

Can you do couple stuff? Would your boyfriend be interested in hanging out with her and her husband on the weekend?

[Anonymous]

(Also, seriously, an adult asked you if you want to have a sleepover? That is very weird.)

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you need to have a standing time to meet with her. Schedule it and then be done. Maybe it’s dinner every Thursday night plus a play date every other week. What’s killing you are all the spontaneous requests to do something. There is a mismatch in expectations. My guess is that if you sat her down and talked it through with her, you might be able to set up some planned times. Then no one will be disappointed with getting a “no” when the other reaches out.

[Anonymous]

I think the idea of setting up a scheduled time is good. I think you should have a nice but direct response ready for when she says some of these things "I wish we could hang out more also, but we both have limited time. Sometimes I feel like you are blaming me but we are both busy." It sounds like she is having a hard time adjusting to your new schedule, but that's not something you can fix.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some good advice here. I'd also recommend that after you say "no" to something and she continues to pressure you wait a beat and ask her why she is pressuring you to do that. This is HER problem, not yours. Make sure she knows her behavior is the issue, not yours.

[Anonymous]

"Ever since I've started working, so I don't have as much availability to hang out"

Say it

[Anonymous]

What about something on a weekend occasionally that combines a for-the-family kind of thing, like going to the farmers market together and then a quick coffee.1 or 2 hours. If her husband objects to THAT, she has bigger problems than she's letting on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you need to have a standing time to meet with her. Schedule it and then be done. Maybe it’s dinner every Thursday night plus a play date every other week. What’s killing you are all the spontaneous requests to do something. There is a mismatch in expectations. My guess is that if you sat her down and talked it through with her, you might be able to set up some planned times. Then no one will be disappointed with getting a “no” when the other reaches out.

This.

[Anonymous]

I think its weird that she wanted you to sleep over...

she also sounds needy and self centered.

I would give her some specific availability and then not cancel and keep note when she does. "We are both busy and have commitments that prevent us from seeing each other. Why dont we try to schedule a standing date every other week..."But if she continues to complain I would be explicit that her expectations are unrealistic---you have not asked her to rearrange her schedule for you so why is she asking you to do that?