Looking for positive stories about leaving husband w/ child

[Anonymous]

I need to leave my husband. We have a baby together, so this has been a very hard decision for me to make. His behavior is awful (lots of infidelity and irresponsible/illegal conduct followed by deflecting blame. With a consistent sprinkle of verbal abuse). I know he’ll never change. But I’m finding it so hard to actually leave because I’m scared. Instead I spend a lot of time planning to leave, then trying to negotiate how it might be possible to stay, only to realize quickly I’m going to have to leave. Thought it would be helpful to hear anything positive about situations where people with babies or small kids left toxic spouses. I’m 37, baby is less than 1.

[Anonymous]

I don't have firsthand experience, but I just want to root you on, OP. And I think it's ideal that the baby won't remember living with him.

[Anonymous]

^^ I am also rooting for both you and your baby OP. ^^

Not an easy decision, but it sounds like your current living situation is not sustainable long-term. 🥺

[Anonymous]

What are you most scared of? What’s the thing that you tell yourself you’ll get if you stay?

[Anonymous]

I left and it’s been amazing. I only regret not leaving sooner.

I built a large support system of mostly friends (some family), and got a pit bull of an attorney. Many women I’ve known who left their husbands settled for less in the divorce because they felt guilty for leaving, or to “keep the peace”. Don’t do that. Go after every penny you deserve, your H is going to throw a tantrum no matter what you do.

I tried to plan but at some point I just left. There came a day where I knew if I didn’t leave now, even though I wasn’t prepared at all, I never would leave. Get an attorney now, but don’t wait until everything is perfect to leave.

Also life with just my DC is so so so SO much better than when I was married. We have so much more quality time now that I’m not depressed. DC is a little older than your child now, but we take trips together, our weekends are a blast, we have a large network of community and friends that I’ve built. I love being able to parent the way I want without constant critiquing from xH.

There will also come a day when suddenly you see your H for the sad, pathetic POS he is. For me, suddenly all the crap he kept pulling became hilarious. Like the other day he called me up to tell me I’m a drain on society, I contribute nothing, I’m a terrible mother and a complete waste of space and air. Those things used to drive me to mental breakdowns when we were together but now I just laugh. What a pathetic excuse for a man if he needs to put down the mother of his child to feel like a big tough guy. You’ll also be able to see the gaslighting clearly for what it is and not question yourself.

If you can, find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship issues. I have huge co-dependency problems, and I’ve learned to work with them.

You got this

[Anonymous]

I’ve left and my kid is so calm and well adjusted, has great empathy and is all around a fine growing person. We have less money but he will succeed despite adversity bc he wants to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left and it’s been amazing. I only regret not leaving sooner.

I built a large support system of mostly friends (some family), and got a pit bull of an attorney. Many women I’ve known who left their husbands settled for less in the divorce because they felt guilty for leaving, or to “keep the peace”. Don’t do that. Go after every penny you deserve, your H is going to throw a tantrum no matter what you do.

I tried to plan but at some point I just left. There came a day where I knew if I didn’t leave now, even though I wasn’t prepared at all, I never would leave. Get an attorney now, but don’t wait until everything is perfect to leave.

Also life with just my DC is so so so SO much better than when I was married. We have so much more quality time now that I’m not depressed. DC is a little older than your child now, but we take trips together, our weekends are a blast, we have a large network of community and friends that I’ve built. I love being able to parent the way I want without constant critiquing from xH.

There will also come a day when suddenly you see your H for the sad, pathetic POS he is. For me, suddenly all the crap he kept pulling became hilarious. Like the other day he called me up to tell me I’m a drain on society, I contribute nothing, I’m a terrible mother and a complete waste of space and air. Those things used to drive me to mental breakdowns when we were together but now I just laugh. What a pathetic excuse for a man if he needs to put down the mother of his child to feel like a big tough guy. You’ll also be able to see the gaslighting clearly for what it is and not question yourself.

If you can, find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship issues. I have huge co-dependency problems, and I’ve learned to work with them.

You got this

NP, but just wanted to say you are amazing and I am so happy you got out. You sound like an amazing mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left and it’s been amazing. I only regret not leaving sooner.

I built a large support system of mostly friends (some family), and got a pit bull of an attorney. Many women I’ve known who left their husbands settled for less in the divorce because they felt guilty for leaving, or to “keep the peace”. Don’t do that. Go after every penny you deserve, your H is going to throw a tantrum no matter what you do.

I tried to plan but at some point I just left. There came a day where I knew if I didn’t leave now, even though I wasn’t prepared at all, I never would leave. Get an attorney now, but don’t wait until everything is perfect to leave.

Also life with just my DC is so so so SO much better than when I was married. We have so much more quality time now that I’m not depressed. DC is a little older than your child now, but we take trips together, our weekends are a blast, we have a large network of community and friends that I’ve built. I love being able to parent the way I want without constant critiquing from xH.

There will also come a day when suddenly you see your H for the sad, pathetic POS he is. For me, suddenly all the crap he kept pulling became hilarious. Like the other day he called me up to tell me I’m a drain on society, I contribute nothing, I’m a terrible mother and a complete waste of space and air. Those things used to drive me to mental breakdowns when we were together but now I just laugh. What a pathetic excuse for a man if he needs to put down the mother of his child to feel like a big tough guy. You’ll also be able to see the gaslighting clearly for what it is and not question yourself.

If you can, find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship issues. I have huge co-dependency problems, and I’ve learned to work with them.

You got this

OP here - thanks so much. Your situation definitely sounds similar to mine. If not too revealing for an anonymous post, I would love to hear who the pitbull attorney was.

[Anonymous]

A friend of mine's mother ran away with her as a small child from a violent man. She changed her name and basically moved to another place and he never found them.

They got back in touch when my friend was in her early 30s and had a stiff somewhat strained relationship (all three of them) that sort of petered out.

I'd say that was leaving someone successfully. He was violent towards the mother and one day she thought he was going to beat her child and that's when she decided to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ I am also rooting for both you and your baby OP. ^^

Not an easy decision, but it sounds like your current living situation is not sustainable long-term. 🥺

No one can know what happens inside a marriage, but be honest with yourself and seek professional support. You’ve got more power than you think! I am also rooting for you and sending good luck.

Build supports so you can be the best parent to your child. Identify help through therapists, lawyers, support groups, friends and family - and trust your instinct. Leaving earlier could have benefits and you both could be safer than if you stay. A close friend from a group in college was in an unhealthy marriage; the group saw signs and raised concerns, but friend didn’t and slowly stopped engaging and then refused contact with us. When the friend realized she needed a change, she reached back out to the college group.

Husband grew suspect and more controlling. He was also threatening and violent to the Mom. He started lying to family, including their kids (8-12). Dad told their kids Mom wasn’t to be trusted and “was just trying to tear the family apart.” To preserve herself, friend left and kids refused to join her. Five years later, friend has rebuilt her life; it breaks her heart to live without her kids, but she’s hopeful the kids will mature and see the dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left and it’s been amazing. I only regret not leaving sooner.

I built a large support system of mostly friends (some family), and got a pit bull of an attorney. Many women I’ve known who left their husbands settled for less in the divorce because they felt guilty for leaving, or to “keep the peace”. Don’t do that. Go after every penny you deserve, your H is going to throw a tantrum no matter what you do.

I tried to plan but at some point I just left. There came a day where I knew if I didn’t leave now, even though I wasn’t prepared at all, I never would leave. Get an attorney now, but don’t wait until everything is perfect to leave.

Also life with just my DC is so so so SO much better than when I was married. We have so much more quality time now that I’m not depressed. DC is a little older than your child now, but we take trips together, our weekends are a blast, we have a large network of community and friends that I’ve built. I love being able to parent the way I want without constant critiquing from xH.

There will also come a day when suddenly you see your H for the sad, pathetic POS he is. For me, suddenly all the crap he kept pulling became hilarious. Like the other day he called me up to tell me I’m a drain on society, I contribute nothing, I’m a terrible mother and a complete waste of space and air. Those things used to drive me to mental breakdowns when we were together but now I just laugh. What a pathetic excuse for a man if he needs to put down the mother of his child to feel like a big tough guy. You’ll also be able to see the gaslighting clearly for what it is and not question yourself.

If you can, find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship issues. I have huge co-dependency problems, and I’ve learned to work with them.

You got this

OP here - thanks so much. Your situation definitely sounds similar to mine. If not too revealing for an anonymous post, I would love to hear who the pitbull attorney was.

Thanks Unfortunately I’m not in DC, I’m across the country (from DC which is why I’m on DCUM).

Set up consultations with a few different attorneys and see which one fits you best. Ask around and get recommendations. I met with a few and one stood out above the rest by leaps and bounds. Also, just from my own experience, female attorneys seems to be much better than male ones. Friends of mine have also confirmed this. I don’t know why, but male attorneys seem to always fight harder for male clients and not take the female ones as seriously (just in my own experience).

[Anonymous]

My mother-in-law left my father-in-law when DH was very young, so he doesn't remember them being together. Things worked out very well for DH. I know it was hard on MIL in the early days, becoming a single mother and having fewer financial resources, but she worked her way into better jobs and did well for herself. MIL never spoke badly of FIL and tried to help DH have a good relationship with him. (I know this may be easier said than done.) I obviously never knew them as a couple, but I can see why they would have had issues, and I'm glad for all of them that they got a fresh start. Best of luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

I left when DC was 2 1/2. I realized that the toxic behavior of ex-DH was going to destroy me and most importantly destroy my ability to parent well. I was so stuck on how bad it would be for my child to have divorced parents but I at some point DH gave me “the gift of clarity”! Ha! I knew that divorcing would be better for me and for my child. Was it easy? No. Did I make the right decision? Absolutely 100%.

[Anonymous]

The scary part for me would be the 50% of the time the child is with him. I would talk to an attorney about that and getting all your other ducks in a row.

[Anonymous]

These days the default is 50/50 custody, so prepare yourself for that. You may be co-parenting (or parallel parenting) for a long time. That said, I've been divorced for 12 years now and it's been great. I ended up with sole custody and my son is thriving. It can be done. I've never looked back. Good luck to you! Find a lawyer that will give you a free consult.