Looking for positive stories about leaving husband w/ child

[Anonymous]

Why are you taking the kid? I mean, obviously you need to get a lawyer and work out a custody agreement. How that will go, we would not know.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want some moral support for those times when you’re by yourself, driving in the car, going for a walk, I suggest the podcast Over It and On With It by Christine Hassler. I, too, have realized I need to leave, and this podcast is so empowering and really makes me visualize the life I want to have. Divorce is scary, particularly when our DH is abusive, but we can also look ahead— and think about the new life we can build for ourselves. My vision of that future is what keeps me in a positive frame of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left and it’s been amazing. I only regret not leaving sooner.

I built a large support system of mostly friends (some family), and got a pit bull of an attorney. Many women I’ve known who left their husbands settled for less in the divorce because they felt guilty for leaving, or to “keep the peace”. Don’t do that. Go after every penny you deserve, your H is going to throw a tantrum no matter what you do.

I tried to plan but at some point I just left. There came a day where I knew if I didn’t leave now, even though I wasn’t prepared at all, I never would leave. Get an attorney now, but don’t wait until everything is perfect to leave.

Also life with just my DC is so so so SO much better than when I was married. We have so much more quality time now that I’m not depressed. DC is a little older than your child now, but we take trips together, our weekends are a blast, we have a large network of community and friends that I’ve built. I love being able to parent the way I want without constant critiquing from xH.

There will also come a day when suddenly you see your H for the sad, pathetic POS he is. For me, suddenly all the crap he kept pulling became hilarious. Like the other day he called me up to tell me I’m a drain on society, I contribute nothing, I’m a terrible mother and a complete waste of space and air. Those things used to drive me to mental breakdowns when we were together but now I just laugh. What a pathetic excuse for a man if he needs to put down the mother of his child to feel like a big tough guy. You’ll also be able to see the gaslighting clearly for what it is and not question yourself.

If you can, find a good therapist to help you work through your relationship issues. I have huge co-dependency problems, and I’ve learned to work with them.

You got this

I left for a different reason (rampant alcoholism) but I want to echo these points. ExDH wasnt verbally or physically abusive but living with him was SO stressful - always wondering if he was sneaking off for a drink, or if he remembered to do the things he committed to do, or if he could stay sober/awake and take care of the kids if I was out… it was so draining. getting through the divorce wasnt easy but pretty much as soon as he was out of the house the whole mood shifted, it was like a cloud had lifted. we are lighthearted and silly and affectionate and have conversations in ways I didnt realize I didnt have the energy or mood to do when he was here. You can do this and i promise it will be so much better on the other side!

[Anonymous]

Your child is very young. You will need a network of support. Those early years are tough.

I have 2 kids. Ex and I split up when the kids were around 10 and 12. I didn't realize it then, but it was an ideal time. One in middle school and the other able to walk home by himself with friends. I was working part-time then and transitioned to full-time 1 year later. Would go to work early and leave early on days I had the kids so we could have fresh homemade dinners. Ironically, the custodial agreement forced ex to have to spend more time with the kids, allowing me to work late 2 days a week. Prior to that it was me in charge of the kids 100%.
Ex was a fairly uninvolved father, and beginning to exhibit violent tendencies towards the children (this had already begun to happen to me). He also embezzled their gift funds. My attorney wrote a very tightly worded settlement agreement. Upon the split, he had to behave because he'd have to pay for the children's attorney if I chose to challenge his parenting skills. He now lives a few blocks away, the kids go see him pretty much whenever they want and I don't discourage it. He is a much better parent than he was before. Sad that it took a 60 page settlement agreement to get him to be a decent dad. He was very fearful that he would lose his relationship with them and I didn't want kids with a daddy-complex so I encourage them to spend time with each other and his family who are a big part of his life.

The kids did fantastically after the split up. We stayed in our home, which was critical for their sense of security and continuity. Both of them tested into selective high schools recently without much effort. This fact has earned them much respect from their father.
I earned more and was able to afford more extracurriculars and vacations. Timing was fortunate here too as my increased earnings came AFTER the settlement agreement. (Prior to that, my income taxes didn't look so hot on paper.) I had been a SAHM and only started working again when the youngest entered full day school in Kindergarten. My earnings then were a joke but it helped with my retainer fee. That was 8 years ago. Today I earn more than he does.

It seemed doubtful 8 years ago and I was certain that I was leading the kids to further impoverishment and instability. But in retrospect, it was the best decision for the kids and me.
I didn't have anything to lose in seeking a divorce - everything was tied up in his name. I had nothing back then, hardly a career, no retirement, no joint account funds. If I had had assets to divide or had to pay him alimony, I don't know that I would have been so fearless in my resolve.