When to throw in the towel?

[Anonymous]

Married almost 20 years. Passion left a while ago, now its barely anything other than I only hear about problems and when money is needed, no date nights, no intimacy of any kind and no interest from the spouse for any of those things. 3 HS age kids, all lead active and independent lives, that would probably rebound quickly from a separation of the parents.

Things have gotten worse since kids were home all the time from covid, wife became a full time cook and cleaning person for the kids. And Yes I cook, clean, grocery shop, run kids around and we have cleaning people once a week. The issue with that is that she doesn't make the kids do anything and fights with me when I make them clean up behind themselves, bring laundry down, empty trash cans and such. It is exausting. She works 1-2 hours a day from home. I work full time.

I need real communication and connection with my spouse or the person that I am with. Not interested in cheating, but can not be in a basically platonic relationship, that is strictly one way, anymore.

[Anonymous]

Tell her how you feel and if it doesn’t get better you will leave when you become empty nesters. It’s unlikely that intimacy will return but the home life might get better.

[Anonymous]

This is what marriage counseling is for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what marriage counseling is for.

this is what divorce is for.

[Anonymous]

We did marriage counseling for a bit. She only agreed with the Therapist about things I needed to improve on but ignored what she was supposed to work on.

I have told her how I feel, it's sort of shrugged off, with a mix of ok I hear you and who cares.

[Anonymous]

I was there about 3 years ago. Divorce is expensive and disruptive. Just shun your spouse, toss the wedding ring, and start dating. That's what I did and it's been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did marriage counseling for a bit. She only agreed with the Therapist about things I needed to improve on but ignored what she was supposed to work on.

I have told her how I feel, it's sort of shrugged off, with a mix of ok I hear you and who cares.

So you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like me six years ago and nothing changed. When my youngest went off to college I left too and I had had two years to plan for it. The only one who was surprised was my ex who was shocked that I would leave her and break up our home. My kids were not surprised and they were happy for me. They are doing very well and so am I so it’s worked out. There is a certain failure about a marriage ending but keeping a failed marriage going is even worse.

[Anonymous]

Kids lead independent lives you said. Time to go. My 14- year old could care less and even almost 8- year old said i can go as long as we meet up couple of times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like me six years ago and nothing changed. When my youngest went off to college I left too and I had had two years to plan for it. The only one who was surprised was my ex who was shocked that I would leave her and break up our home. My kids were not surprised and they were happy for me. They are doing very well and so am I so it’s worked out. There is a certain failure about a marriage ending but keeping a failed marriage going is even worse.

Finalizing divorce, it is very difficult. If you are not doing date night, then you are well on your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like me six years ago and nothing changed. When my youngest went off to college I left too and I had had two years to plan for it. The only one who was surprised was my ex who was shocked that I would leave her and break up our home. My kids were not surprised and they were happy for me. They are doing very well and so am I so it’s worked out. There is a certain failure about a marriage ending but keeping a failed marriage going is even worse.

In hind sight were you glad you waited until they went off to college or do you wish you would have done it sooner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like me six years ago and nothing changed. When my youngest went off to college I left too and I had had two years to plan for it. The only one who was surprised was my ex who was shocked that I would leave her and break up our home. My kids were not surprised and they were happy for me. They are doing very well and so am I so it’s worked out. There is a certain failure about a marriage ending but keeping a failed marriage going is even worse.

In hind sight were you glad you waited until they went off to college or do you wish you would have done it sooner?

Once I made my decision it was only two years which is not a long time and my angst level went way down during that period because I was no longer investing and wasting my time in making it work. I would not have done it sooner because I really felt I was the good parent who my kids needed around them. My kids are now much closer to me than they are to my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids lead independent lives you said. Time to go. My 14- year old could care less and even almost 8- year old said i can go as long as we meet up couple of times a week.

Wow, you’re asking your 8 year old what their opinion on divorce is, and you’re fine with seeing them just a couple times a week?

No wonder they don’t care. Sounds like you’re not that involved anyway and you have major boundary issues. You never ask your kids what they think of divorce, FFS. What a terrible burden to put on them.

[Anonymous]

I was just asking that question while working out. Obviously under different circumstances. I enjoy working out. I mainly do it because my gf loves how I look. But I’m getting old and tired. I love her. So I’ll keep it going for her, for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like me six years ago and nothing changed. When my youngest went off to college I left too and I had had two years to plan for it. The only one who was surprised was my ex who was shocked that I would leave her and break up our home. My kids were not surprised and they were happy for me. They are doing very well and so am I so it’s worked out. There is a certain failure about a marriage ending but keeping a failed marriage going is even worse.

Kids know. Nobody is fooled.