Nervous About Getting Married

[Anonymous]

I’m getting married next month to the love of my life, and while I’m super happy, I’m also nervous. I love him and I know he is the one I want to spend my life with, but the thought of committing to something life long is making me nervous. I can’t imagine not being with him, but it’s also scary to think that you’re marriage such a huge life commitment. I’m not getting cold feet or anything. Is this normal to feel this way?

[Anonymous]

I think you’re on the spectrum of normal. There are very few decisions we make that are lifelong.

[Anonymous]

Yes it is normal

[Anonymous]

I think it’s normal also to mourn the passing of your single life. For me at least it was a happy time.

[Anonymous]

I’m half Jewish and half WASP. My Presbyterian Scottish grandfather didn’t come to my parent’s wedding, which angered my Jewish grandfather. My Jewish father told me that my Korean girlfriend and I should never have kids because interracial kids have a lot of problems and he didn’t come to our wedding. FORGEDABOUDIT! Just get married.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. Somehow I posted this on the wrong thread.

[Anonymous]

Perfectly normal! You’re making a commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone and to not be a little jittery would be abnormal!

[Anonymous]

Yes normal! But try to enjoy it all — I feel like life moves fast after marriage and kids.

[Anonymous]

Everybody get jitters and cold feet. You can always get divorced. It attaching to your best friend, not a chain gang picking cotton.

[Anonymous]

Are you a woman? Married women are the least happy group in the US, and married men are the most happy. Men's health improves when they are married. You can look up these stats.

That is not to say you shouldn't get married. It IS to say there is a reason for these outcomes. Women generally bear a LOT more responsibility in marriage and societal expectations about home/family life than men. So my advice to you is this is normal, marriage can be awesome, AND you need to start off right from thr beginning not being too accommodating or always putting your desires/wants secondary.

You really have to watch out, it is a slow creep... splitting up chores so it seems even, but you're responsible for meals which is way more consuming than doing dishes. And then you start to adjust what time dinner is ready to suit your spouse's work schedule. And then you feel like your evenings are held hostage by being in charge of meals. That's just one example, but very seriously - to have a good balance in marriage, you probably need to feel like you're being a little selfish and putting yourself first, because society is SO conditioned to expect women to be martyrs. What society will tell you is a "fair balance" is actually probably 70/30 responsibility and mental load on the woman.

[Anonymous]

I was unsure before and through the first few months. Decades later I wish I could go back and reassure myself that it would be my best decision ever made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you a woman? Married women are the least happy group in the US, and married men are the most happy. Men's health improves when they are married. You can look up these stats.

That is not to say you shouldn't get married. It IS to say there is a reason for these outcomes. Women generally bear a LOT more responsibility in marriage and societal expectations about home/family life than men. So my advice to you is this is normal, marriage can be awesome, AND you need to start off right from thr beginning not being too accommodating or always putting your desires/wants secondary.

You really have to watch out, it is a slow creep... splitting up chores so it seems even, but you're responsible for meals which is way more consuming than doing dishes. And then you start to adjust what time dinner is ready to suit your spouse's work schedule. And then you feel like your evenings are held hostage by being in charge of meals. That's just one example, but very seriously - to have a good balance in marriage, you probably need to feel like you're being a little selfish and putting yourself first, because society is SO conditioned to expect women to be martyrs. What society will tell you is a "fair balance" is actually probably 70/30 responsibility and mental load on the woman.

Your first paragraph is nonsense. There are plenty of miserable men and women in marriages and plenty that are happy. Many studies show that as a whole married people are happier than unmarried. Some studies even show the opposite of your assertion that in fact women are happier than men.

That said, the bottom line is simple, what makes a marriage a good one might have some common denominators across the spectrum but is dependent on the two people married finding what works for them.

I believe is the greatest enemy of a happy marriage where actions/attitudes are concerned is selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a woman? Married women are the least happy group in the US, and married men are the most happy. Men's health improves when they are married. You can look up these stats.

That is not to say you shouldn't get married. It IS to say there is a reason for these outcomes. Women generally bear a LOT more responsibility in marriage and societal expectations about home/family life than men. So my advice to you is this is normal, marriage can be awesome, AND you need to start off right from thr beginning not being too accommodating or always putting your desires/wants secondary.

You really have to watch out, it is a slow creep... splitting up chores so it seems even, but you're responsible for meals which is way more consuming than doing dishes. And then you start to adjust what time dinner is ready to suit your spouse's work schedule. And then you feel like your evenings are held hostage by being in charge of meals. That's just one example, but very seriously - to have a good balance in marriage, you probably need to feel like you're being a little selfish and putting yourself first, because society is SO conditioned to expect women to be martyrs. What society will tell you is a "fair balance" is actually probably 70/30 responsibility and mental load on the woman.

Your first paragraph is nonsense. There are plenty of miserable men and women in marriages and plenty that are happy. Many studies show that as a whole married people are happier than unmarried. Some studies even show the opposite of your assertion that in fact women are happier than men.

That said, the bottom line is simple, what makes a marriage a good one might have some common denominators across the spectrum but is dependent on the two people married finding what works for them.

I believe is the greatest enemy of a happy marriage where actions/attitudes are concerned is selfishness.

No, the poster who said married women are the least happy overall is well-documented everywhere. It is also why women file for divorce in nearly 70 percent of divorces. Women do most of the work in most marriages. It makes total sense for a woman to have doubts doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody get jitters and cold feet. You can always get divorced. It attaching to your best friend, not a chain gang picking cotton.

My mom said this "Everybody get jitters and cold feet. You can always get divorced." In OP's case, he or she probably just has normal nervousness. In my case, it was worse and I really had major issues with getting married but that "everybody get jitters and cold feet: You can always get divorced" message pushed me to do it. Biggest mistake of my life. Turns out "just getting divorced" is not that easy. I was about to do that and had an unplanned pregancy. Kept me in the marriage nearly 8 more years just as a was planning to divorce.

You have to really know if you want to be with that person and if you really want to be married. If you really love the person and can't imagine your life without them, get married. If you are doing it because people are saying "it is okay to be nervous just get a divorce if it does not work"...don't do it. Or postpone until you know.

[Anonymous]

It may be you are just feeling the depth of commitment as it ought to be. It didn't hit me till the ceremony but it was pretty overwhelming. If you stay happily married for life, it really does mean you are embarking on a LIFE journey and that is a pretty big thing, but it is a good thing.