Boyfriend Wants Kids

[Anonymous]

I’m early thirties and have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year. We are at a point where we are at at tong to talk about marriage and kids. I’m really unsure if I want kids. I’m leaning towards no. For most of my life and up to about two years ago, I always thought I wanted kids. I wanted to get married and have 2-3 kids. These past couple of years I’ve been unsure if I really want them. There are many times where I can’t even imagine life with kids. I see some of my friends and co-workers with kids and think about having that, and other times I hear about the horrible tantrums, no time for yourself, kids putting strain on a marriage, etc., and I feel happy I don’t have kids. I feel like I can picture myself having a sweet baby but nothing beyond that. I don’t know if I have it in me to be a mom. I can’t even picture myself as a mom of an older kid or teen. There are times where I’m relieved I don’t want kids, and other times I wish I had them. I know I need to make a decision and I don’t know what to do. It’s not fair for him to marry someone who is unsure of having kids, but I don’t want to lose him and maybe regret having kids.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a guy who really wants to be a father and needs to marry someone who really wants to be a mother. You’re not that person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a guy who really wants to be a father and needs to marry someone who really wants to be a mother. You’re not that person.

This. And neither of you are wrong. The wrong thing would be trying to convince themselves they want the same things.

[Anonymous]

This doesn’t mean you don’t want kids. Many people ( including me) have these same thoughts. I spoke with my boyfriend at that time about everything and we decided to keep the relationship going. He said he loved me more than he wanted kids and we would figure it out. We got married and I went into insane baby fever mode. It was super unexpected and strange. I had two kids, and while hard, it was the best thing to ever happen to me besides my husband. I love being a mom and can’t imagine life without them. I realized me being unsure was fear about life changing and the huge responsibility of having kids. I know not every experience is like this, but I think it’s normal for some people to be unsure about kids. I’ve known many people ( both men and women) who said they didn’t really want kids until they met their spouse. They couldn’t imagine having kids until they met them. I would talk with him about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a guy who really wants to be a father and needs to marry someone who really wants to be a mother. You’re not that person.

This. And neither of you are wrong. The wrong thing would be trying to convince themselves they want the same things.

Agree! Unless you are 100% committed to having a baby don’t do it. Having a baby and then regretting it would ruin your life and your marriage.

[Anonymous]

My brother married a woman who was unsure but he was hopeful that over time she would decide that she did want one. Well, she decided she didn’t want a baby so they divorced. It turned out that none of her three sisters ever wanted to have children either which says something about their childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother married a woman who was unsure but he was hopeful that over time she would decide that she did want one. Well, she decided she didn’t want a baby so they divorced. It turned out that none of her three sisters ever wanted to have children either which says something about their childhood.

Or it says all four are logical?

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence about kids for a long time too bc of what they do to your life. What I didn't appreciate was that kids change your life for the better. You cannot imagine until you have one how much love it brings to your life and what a delight and privilege it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence about kids for a long time too bc of what they do to your life. What I didn't appreciate was that kids change your life for the better. You cannot imagine until you have one how much love it brings to your life and what a delight and privilege it is.

This isn't always true, and you can't bet on it. Unfortunately, you have no idea what your experience as a parent will be until you are one, but once you are one you can't take it back. It's 2021 . It's time we stop telling women they will change their minds and it will be so great when they do.

[Anonymous]

Dump him. Live freely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother married a woman who was unsure but he was hopeful that over time she would decide that she did want one. Well, she decided she didn’t want a baby so they divorced. It turned out that none of her three sisters ever wanted to have children either which says something about their childhood.

Nope. Just says they are are smart, independent women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a guy who really wants to be a father and needs to marry someone who really wants to be a mother. You’re not that person.

Agree. Be thankful you dodged this bullet. 😁

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother married a woman who was unsure but he was hopeful that over time she would decide that she did want one. Well, she decided she didn’t want a baby so they divorced. It turned out that none of her three sisters ever wanted to have children either which says something about their childhood.

Nope. Just says they are are smart, independent women.

Nope, doesn’t say they are smart and independent either, it says only that they didn’t want kids.

[Anonymous]

The book The Baby Decision is a really great one with helpful exercises to work through a lot of the things you are pondering OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This doesn’t mean you don’t want kids. Many people ( including me) have these same thoughts. I spoke with my boyfriend at that time about everything and we decided to keep the relationship going. He said he loved me more than he wanted kids and we would figure it out. We got married and I went into insane baby fever mode. It was super unexpected and strange. I had two kids, and while hard, it was the best thing to ever happen to me besides my husband. I love being a mom and can’t imagine life without them. I realized me being unsure was fear about life changing and the huge responsibility of having kids. I know not every experience is like this, but I think it’s normal for some people to be unsure about kids. I’ve known many people ( both men and women) who said they didn’t really want kids until they met their spouse. They couldn’t imagine having kids until they met them. I would talk with him about it.

Very true, even tough I wanted to have kids from the beginning there are times I feel like you feel OP.