My kids will think Grandma died before they were born

[Anonymous]

I have two boys, with birthdays just over a month apart. This year we're planning a joint birthday party for them - they will be turning 2 and 4. My MIL lives about 1000 miles away and has come to see us once in the last 2.5 years. (We have visited her location during that time frame.) My FIL (her husband) has visited us every few months or so - at most he's lasted 6 months without a visit. We have invited MIL and FIL for the kids' joint party - and given them more than 2 months notice. FIL will, of course, be there with bells on. MIL on the other hand is pretty much refusing to come, citing the "germy air" in airplanes and her eternal quest to "not be sick for a whole year." (Yeah, well, considering her health and habits, that will happen as soon as she gets herself a plastic bubble to live in, or is in a coffin, and not before then.)

My poor husband is very upset and at a total loss as to what to say to her to convince her to show up for this birthday party. A big part of scheduling the party as a joint event was to encourage her to put aside her million different excuses - this makes for one stop celebrating, a nice two-for-one deal, but she's still firm on not traveling. She has missed, among other things, all prior birthdays, baptism for both kids, the Thanksgivings and/or Christmases we've invited her to. (And yes, we have headed to their place for some of the holidays, but some we do at our home.) This "sickly" woman spends every weekend shuffling her way around the mall and shopping and going to movies, and takes the Metro to the office all year long (germs, anyone?). Yet, apparently, take one flight on an airplane, and it's certain respiratory death.

Any suggestions on how to reach an exceedingly self-centered and irrational woman, in an effort to get her to show up and FOR ONCE participate in an event in her grandchildren's lives?

[Anonymous]

I'd keep inviting her, but give up pushing her. She is not interested. Why subject your kids to her?

It was very clear to me growing up that my grandfather had no interest in his grandkids (he actually "loved" us, but disliked children). I can't say being around him had much benefit to me until I was a teenager. Up until then, I was scared of him.

[Anonymous]

I have a history of being a MIL supporter here and often think that people are being a little to haard on the MILs. That being said, this one is terrible. She has given a clear and strong indication that she doesn't want to be a part of her grandchildren's lives. My advice is not to fight it. You just can't force people to care if they don't.

(One small thought though, is there a real flight phobia happening? How many times have you been to see her with your kids? How does she behave around them during those times? The only possible "excuse" I can come up with for her is a fear of flying.)

[Anonymous]

Maybe she's afraid of flying. Old people get all kinds of new anxieties as they age. My mom is much more anxious about flying and even the train now than she used to be.

[Anonymous]

Greyhound?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Other reasons she can't/won't visit: it's too cold, and that would be hard on her lungs; it's too warm, and that would be uncomfortable; it's allergy season, and she has pollen issues; she can't take time off of work (even though she has an absurd amount of vacation time and ends up taking off a couple of days per week for the last 2 months of the year just to use some of it up); the drive is too far (but not as far at the 2000 mile trip she takes annually to AZ); I'm allergic to the cat (you mean ours, or yours - you know, the one that lives in your house?); ah, the list goes on.

She's a fascinating one. I personally don't care if I see her, because she adds little or no enjoyment but does add a lot of extra work (foods/schedules/activities would all have to be to her liking or the world would simply end). I feel bad for my husband though, and to some degree my kids - the older one is now old enough to understand that she's just not showing up.

When we visit her, she treats the children like zoo animals. Nice to look at, from a distance, but wouldn't want to touch them unless the circumstances are properly controlled (no crying; no behaving like children; just sit still and be quiet). Even when we lived near them, her preferred interaction with our then under-15 month old son was to have us bring him out to dinner at a not terribly family-oriented restaurant, where he was expected to sit quietly, not fuss, be still, smile the entire time, and not get tired even if it was past his bed time. Her expectations haven't grown any more reasonable since then.

In theory, I believe she loves her grandchildren, but my secretary shows them more affection than their grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Greyhound?

OP here: I would PAY to see her get on a Greyhound bus and travel with "the likes of those people" and "under those conditions." I imagine she'd consider it one of the circles of hell. I've tried suggesting Amtrak - private sleeping car, even - but trains are also a flawed transporation mechanism, apparently. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Be grateful someone like that is not part of your life more often. I think FIL probably LOVES to visit you by himself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Any suggestions on how to reach an exceedingly self-centered and irrational woman, in an effort to get her to show up and FOR ONCE participate in an event in her grandchildren's lives?

Not knowing her other than from your description, it sounds like she is not well--perhaps physically fine, but mentally incapable of making trips and participating in your lives. Hard to know from your post whether she's like this of her own choosing or not.

If it were me, I'd want to ask FIL what was up. If it WAS just her choosing to be self-centered and irrational, of course, a kind husband is unlikely to say that. But perhaps there really is something else going on with her. If you assume she's self-centered and irrational, she'll only end up hurting your feelings. But what would FIL say if you and your husband said, "it really hurts our feelings and makes us feel like she doesn't want to be involved in the kids' lives. Is there something else going on that we should know about?"

[Anonymous]

I think it is too bad that she is like this, but I think you should just start going with the assumption that she isn't coming, ever. Then be surprised if she does show up one day. I think some grandparents are unfortunately like this. Its her perogative to spend as little or much time with her grandchildren as she wants. Sounds like she's decided to be on the lower end of the scale, and you should just move on and quit expecting anything from her. Start surrounding your kids with people who love them, not ones who just show up because their kids pressure them. Maybe she will be better as they get older.

[Anonymous]

So, wait... WHY do you want this woman to come visit? For the kids' sake? They won't enjoy it either, from your description. When they get old enough to ask about her, just give whatever excuse she's given you. "Why didn't grandma come?" "Because the cold weather we're having here makes her uncomfortable." Period.

As for your husband: assure him that you've made every effort (after making those efforts of course) and be very sympathetic. Do not badmouth grandma to him! Just say "I'm so sorry. I know you're disappointed and I wish I could think of a way to convince her to come visit."

Enjoy grandpa. He sounds awesome. Grandma is only as big an issue as you make her.

[Anonymous]

Can I just say to you OP--my OWN mother lives 20 mins away and has cancelled so many visits over the 10 years she's had grandchildren (parties, sleepovers, dinners, etc., you name it) at the last minute that I am at the end of it now this year and I just know I need to stop expecting her to show any interest in face to face time with me or my kids.....
If someone is repeatedly avoiding a family relationship and has refused professional intervention and help you have to back off. It is really hard because the other grandmother lives out of town--but, also has never been around much --twice a year, at most.
My kids saw my Mom @ 3 times last year She has had health issues but manages to go to all sorts of other events where non-child activities are involved. )
Sorry, I didn't man to hijack--rather to sympathize. She just may not like children. I'm trying to accept that my Mom doesn't. And probably never did.

[Anonymous]

I'm with PP. I don't understand why you're upset. If you have to force someone to be a part of your life, they're not worth having anyway. Frankly, having her treat your kids like "zoo animals" sounds worse than having her absent from their lives.

I had one set of grandparents whom we were really close to. They never missed a b-day, school play, sporting event, anything. We saw my other set of grandparents maybe once a year and only if my parents took us to visit (they never visited us). When we were visiting, they didn't show a huge interest in us, but while somewhat distant, they were always kind. As much as I feel blessed that my involved grandparents played a huge part of my life, I don't really feel like I missed out much by not having a close relationship with the other set. It's just the way it was. I really don't think your kids will miss out on much by not having much involvement with a grandma who doesn't want to be around them. If you don't make a big deal of it and act hurt, I'm sure your kids won't think it's a big deal and feel hurt by her absence.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My kids don't notice the "zoo animals" treatment - they are, believe it or not, excited to see this mysterious grandma figure. They've been conditioned by their other grandmothers to think grandmas are fun. It's mostly my husband I feel bad for - despite her consistency, and the fact that it should never be a surprise when she won't show up for something, he's still really hurt that she shows no interest in the kids. Correction: she does show some interest, by phone (if we call her), and strictly on her terms. It's really just a big let down for him - despite a lifetime of her being like this, he still can't quite wrap his head around how she can be so selfish.

To a PP who suggested she's perhaps mentally ill - I think that's a pretty solid guess. I think she's been at least somewhat depressed for years, definitely has alcohol problems, is a hypochondriac of the diagnosable variety, and is just generally a bit wacked out.

I am actually grateful that she's not around much, because I don't think she'd be a great influence on the kids (would more likely make them feel bad about themselves over time than make them feel loved), but it would be nice if she'd show up for a few hours, once a year, just to acknowledge their existence and at least pretend to her son that she's happy to have these grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you go visit her?

I wouldn't travel 1000 miles for a birthday party, either.