My kids will think Grandma died before they were born

[Anonymous]

Just let it go, OP. It seems you've tried everything you can. Visit her when you can swing it and your family wants to. I understand that you feel bad for your husband, but he has to deal with it and either confront her, discuss it with his father, or accept her as she is. It's really your husband's issue to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Has your DH ever gone to therapy? Because, given all of your MIL's other behaviors, I bet that his mother's refusal to visit his kids is just one tiny bit of what he must have been subjected to growing up. He may have a lot of stuff buried inside, and this issue is probably dredging up bad memories from the past.

I think that all of you can do is accept that MIL is not going to change (extend the invitations, but don't stress when she doesn't accept), be grateful that FIL wants to be involved in your son's lives (and that he is able to break away from MIL to do that), and support your DH by helping him accept that she is not going to change (although I think a counselor would be more effective with that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go visit her?

I wouldn't travel 1000 miles for a birthday party, either.

I think the phone in your underground lair is ringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you go visit her?

I wouldn't travel 1000 miles for a birthday party, either.

Not missing the point much, are you? She won't visit. For anything. Ever.

Just curious - what WOULD you travel 1000 miles for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, wait... WHY do you want this woman to come visit? For the kids' sake? They won't enjoy it either, from your description. When they get old enough to ask about her, just give whatever excuse she's given you. "Why didn't grandma come?" "Because the cold weather we're having here makes her uncomfortable." Period.

As for your husband: assure him that you've made every effort (after making those efforts of course) and be very sympathetic. Do not badmouth grandma to him! Just say "I'm so sorry. I know you're disappointed and I wish I could think of a way to convince her to come visit."

Enjoy grandpa. He sounds awesome. Grandma is only as big an issue as you make her.

I agree. The best lesson I have learned is that no matter what, you CANNOT change other people's behavior. It's just the way it is.

You're kids will be fine. You and your DH have made an effort. Just leave it at that. No more drama.

[Anonymous]

You can't make her come. Feel pity for her -- she's missing out on her wonderful grandkids and seeing her son be a wonderful father.

You can go visit her, but maybe don't expect her to lay out the red carpet. Good thing Grampa is cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My kids don't notice the "zoo animals" treatment - they are, believe it or not, excited to see this mysterious grandma figure. They've been conditioned by their other grandmothers to think grandmas are fun. It's mostly my husband I feel bad for - despite her consistency, and the fact that it should never be a surprise when she won't show up for something, he's still really hurt that she shows no interest in the kids. Correction: she does show some interest, by phone (if we call her), and strictly on her terms. It's really just a big let down for him - despite a lifetime of her being like this, he still can't quite wrap his head around how she can be so selfish.

To a PP who suggested she's perhaps mentally ill - I think that's a pretty solid guess. I think she's been at least somewhat depressed for years, definitely has alcohol problems, is a hypochondriac of the diagnosable variety, and is just generally a bit wacked out.

I am actually grateful that she's not around much, because I don't think she'd be a great influence on the kids (would more likely make them feel bad about themselves over time than make them feel loved), but it would be nice if she'd show up for a few hours, once a year, just to acknowledge their existence and at least pretend to her son that she's happy to have these grandchildren.

Having come from a family with mental illness, it really probably is a good thing she stays away. Actually, perhaps she is doing it on purpose because she knows her issues? One of my family members isolates herself, and for her it is because she is embarrassed of the way she is. I agree with the poster who said ask the FIL what is up. He may be able to give you the best insight.

[Anonymous]

I think its really terrible that you're jumping to the conclusion that she just doesn't like the kids and doesn't want to be a part of their lives.

How about just a touch of compassion for people who are a bit elderly, and may have rational or irrational fears about travel? Maybe its a budget thing? Many elderly people just get bad about functioning in the unpredictable world of travel. They like to know where their things are, they like to know the streets they're driving, they like to know how far to turn the hot water on for their shower. While I hope I never become like that, so people do, and it doesn't make them ogres.

I agree with the PP, I would generally not fly across the country for a birthday party. Of all the many reasons she may not want to come (maybe she really is afraid of germs, maybe she really is afraid of flying, maybe she's concerned about the money, maybe she doesn't feel welcome in the house)... WHO CARES? The point is, she has her reasons, and the LEAST LIKELY OF ALL is that she doesn't love her grandkids. So cut her some slack. And if she really truly is the horrid beast you make her out to be, and really doesn't care about the grandkids... well... then you're better off without her.

I saw my Dad's mom only once every 3-4 years growing up. She lived in Washington state. I never questioned that she loved me, but travel was hard and expensive.

If you really want to have a relationship with Granny, you might have to pack up the kids and GO TO HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its really terrible that you're jumping to the conclusion that she just doesn't like the kids and doesn't want to be a part of their lives.

How about just a touch of compassion for people who are a bit elderly, and may have rational or irrational fears about travel? Maybe its a budget thing? Many elderly people just get bad about functioning in the unpredictable world of travel. They like to know where their things are, they like to know the streets they're driving, they like to know how far to turn the hot water on for their shower. While I hope I never become like that, so people do, and it doesn't make them ogres.

I agree with the PP, I would generally not fly across the country for a birthday party. Of all the many reasons she may not want to come (maybe she really is afraid of germs, maybe she really is afraid of flying, maybe she's concerned about the money, maybe she doesn't feel welcome in the house)... WHO CARES? The point is, she has her reasons, and the LEAST LIKELY OF ALL is that she doesn't love her grandkids. So cut her some slack. And if she really truly is the horrid beast you make her out to be, and really doesn't care about the grandkids... well... then you're better off without her.

I saw my Dad's mom only once every 3-4 years growing up. She lived in Washington state. I never questioned that she loved me, but travel was hard and expensive.

If you really want to have a relationship with Granny, you might have to pack up the kids and GO TO HER.

OP has already told us that a) she has brought the children to visit MIL, and b) MIL annually travels 2000 miles to Phoenix. Apparently that travel isn't too terrifying.

OP, I understand where you are. My husband and I are from the same area, and we go home 3-5 times a year. My mother comes here maybe twice a year. My MIL's been here twice in six years. My husband started calling MIL almost two months ago to find out when she wanted to get together over Easter. We didn't call back, she wouldn't plan anything, so my mother started scheduling things. We finally got her on the phone a few days ago and she told us, oh, she still needs to figure out what her sister and niece - who live ten minutes away - have planned before she'll know if she can see the grandkids for Easter.

[Anonymous]

I agree. The best lesson I have learned is that no matter what, you CANNOT change other people's behavior. It's just the way it is.

ITA!! It's possible your MIL does not enjoy the infant/toddler phase. I think my mom enjoys showing pictures and talking about my kids with her friends, but doesn't really feel a need to spend time with them. My dad schedules visits every other weekend--stops by for an hour or so. Sometimes my mom joins in.

Tell your MIL that your house is always open and to let you know when she can make it, then let it go. You could also discuss it with your FIL, since he seems to make the journey solo. He might have more insight.

[Anonymous]

My grandparents fly to Florida for six months every year. This is a trip that they normally take, so they do it. But I cannot imagine them handling any other flights. They are in their mid 80's.

If she has no issues regarding you visiting them, I think you should visit them. If she gives you the run around on visiting her, then I would stop making the effort with her. Maybe she prefers to just do the phone call every once in awhile. Some people are just not that close to family.

[Anonymous]

Just be glad that FIL will visit on his own.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe your MIL has health problems that she is embarrassed about so she makes up other excuses for not going. (like the grandparent diaper)

[Anonymous]

OP - my MIL is the exact same selfishness, but lives local. The only thing she looks forward to is golf every Thursday. How empty, sad, lonely and pathetic. Frankly, let her die that way. Believe it or not, it is NOT your problem. I know how cold and hurtful a MIL like her can be. It has nothing to do with you. She was bitter WAY before you came into the picture. For those of you with no idea, consider yourselves lucky!

[Anonymous]

I understand why this is upsetting to OP and her husband, but OP, she's not going to change. Yes, feel free to keep inviting her, but if she doesn't want to come and be a part of their lives, then so be it. Maybe she doesn't like you, maybe it's her son, maybe it's flying, maybe its being in a different home, maybe it's not anxiety at all just disinterest. Your kids will grow up perfectly fine with or without said grandmother in their lives. I think my wife would have have probably given up if my mom was like this--you are being exceptional with your attempts. But I don't think this lady is going to change.