Dad keeps asking if he was a good parent

[Anonymous]

And saying what a good parent he was, if he does say so himself... but he did some stuff when I was a kid that really scarred me.
He is very old and I see no point in bringing this up, but every time he praises his parenting, it makes me cringe. And he does it a LOT.
Do I say anything?

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is any good that can come of staying something. He is looking for peace in his own mind as he nears the end of life.

Find an outlet to vent your frustration. If you told him, he'd probably just be more agitated and difficult to be around than he is now.

[Anonymous]

Omg OP, grow up.

[Anonymous]

What about responding with something like, “Yeah, Dad, I know you were doing the best you could do. Do you think it will rain later?”

[Anonymous]

"Yes I know, I turned out pretty amazing!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Yes I know, I turned out pretty amazing!"

Ha, this.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like there’s a question from him at all, just a conclusion that he has a life well-led due to his parenting. So let him say it. It doesn’t change your reality.

[Anonymous]

"And i can get the benefit of learnimg from you"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg OP, grow up.

Helpful.

[Anonymous]

Your instincts are right. Do not bring up any grievances. The last is the past and he can’t change it. The fact that he brings it up often makes me think that he’s looking for you to agree. If it were me, I’d choose something tangible and true and tell him about it with enough details so he knows you mean it. Then ask a question about him and his life.

Example: “That’s right dad. You may not realize this but you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, my love of reading. Remember when you used to take me to the Davis library every weekend and let me stay as long as I wanted choosing books? You always had a book in your hand too, I get that from you. I hope I passed that on to Larlo. What inspired your love of reading? What’s your favorite book?”

That way you don’t have to lie and tell him he was perfect, you can give the gift of something true that he can hold onto.

[Anonymous]

Benefit is you can get your inheritance quicker if you’re sure you can give him a heart attack with your honest feelings.

[Anonymous]

Both my elderly parents have created this idealized view of raising me and in their minds, they were great parents. They have forgotten all their mistakes and appalling misdeeds. Usually I just let it go. Nothing brought their failures into focus like being a parent myself though.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything. I had a bad relationship with my dad. I will say, a decade or so after his death, I can now look back and value some of the things he taught me. It doesn't take away the bad. But it's comforting looking at the good. I don't know if you have good memories of your dad. But if you do, you could possibly direct the conversation that way. "I really appreciate your teaching me how to play baseball so well. It's been a big part of my life and I enjoy throwing the ball around with my kids now." Or something along those lines.

[Anonymous]

Honesty is the rule in our family. Grievance has no expiration date with us. I would ask him, "In which areas do you feel you did the best as a father?" Then I would tell him my opinion. I have found nothing so healing as asking, "Why did you do XYZ, that hurt so much when I was a child?" The answers sometimes surprise you. Often the parent did not understand the impact or was overwhelmed by other things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your instincts are right. Do not bring up any grievances. The last is the past and he can’t change it. The fact that he brings it up often makes me think that he’s looking for you to agree. If it were me, I’d choose something tangible and true and tell him about it with enough details so he knows you mean it. Then ask a question about him and his life.

Example: “That’s right dad. You may not realize this but you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, my love of reading. Remember when you used to take me to the Davis library every weekend and let me stay as long as I wanted choosing books? You always had a book in your hand too, I get that from you. I hope I passed that on to Larlo. What inspired your love of reading? What’s your favorite book?”

That way you don’t have to lie and tell him he was perfect, you can give the gift of something true that he can hold onto.

Just to present a different point of view. My mother did this all the time. She did not put me or my sister first, she put her abusive relationship with my stepfather first. I saw him rage every night, belittle her, obsess about every object in our house (not allowed to use the stereo, toaster, bathtub off my room, etc.). Then to be an adult, and have her say things like, we had a really good time here, or there, or your husband is just like my step-father. It takes emotional energy to uphold their little world view so they can feel better about themselves. I wasn't willing to hold that anymore. Wasn't my childhood enough? Hadn't I already paid and paid and paid. She needed to grow up, not me. I told her the truth, and that I was angry. It was liberating.