Dad keeps asking if he was a good parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your instincts are right. Do not bring up any grievances. The last is the past and he can’t change it. The fact that he brings it up often makes me think that he’s looking for you to agree. If it were me, I’d choose something tangible and true and tell him about it with enough details so he knows you mean it. Then ask a question about him and his life.

Example: “That’s right dad. You may not realize this but you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, my love of reading. Remember when you used to take me to the Davis library every weekend and let me stay as long as I wanted choosing books? You always had a book in your hand too, I get that from you. I hope I passed that on to Larlo. What inspired your love of reading? What’s your favorite book?”

That way you don’t have to lie and tell him he was perfect, you can give the gift of something true that he can hold onto.

This is so beautiful and lit tears in my eyes. A gift to you both.

[Anonymous]

He wants peace before he dies. If you feel like giving him a gift offer him the reassurance that he seeks. Forgiveness will set you free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honesty is the rule in our family. Grievance has no expiration date with us.

But they can only be aired once a year during Festivus.

[Anonymous]

He wants peace before he dies. If you feel like giving him a gift offer him the reassurance that he seeks. Forgiveness will set you free.

NP It would be nice if that were a guarantee, not a platitude. But it's a platitude.

I get that it makes you feel better to say it, and I'm sure you want me to feel better, too. I do appreciate that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your instincts are right. Do not bring up any grievances. The last is the past and he can’t change it. The fact that he brings it up often makes me think that he’s looking for you to agree. If it were me, I’d choose something tangible and true and tell him about it with enough details so he knows you mean it. Then ask a question about him and his life.

Example: “That’s right dad. You may not realize this but you gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, my love of reading. Remember when you used to take me to the Davis library every weekend and let me stay as long as I wanted choosing books? You always had a book in your hand too, I get that from you. I hope I passed that on to Larlo. What inspired your love of reading? What’s your favorite book?”

That way you don’t have to lie and tell him he was perfect, you can give the gift of something true that he can hold onto.

Just to present a different point of view. My mother did this all the time. She did not put me or my sister first, she put her abusive relationship with my stepfather first. I saw him rage every night, belittle her, obsess about every object in our house (not allowed to use the stereo, toaster, bathtub off my room, etc.). Then to be an adult, and have her say things like, we had a really good time here, or there, or your husband is just like my step-father. It takes emotional energy to uphold their little world view so they can feel better about themselves. I wasn't willing to hold that anymore. Wasn't my childhood enough? Hadn't I already paid and paid and paid. She needed to grow up, not me. I told her the truth, and that I was angry. It was liberating.

My mother abused me, and I put my life on hold to care for her as she was dying. She hit me, burned my hand on the stove (still have scars), demeaned me, overlooked sexual assault as a teenager when I told her. As regards the latter, she only thing -- the *only* thing -- was if he was black. She didn't ask anything about me or how I felt, whether I was hurt, none of that. But we were in a poor white racist community, and apparently the only thing that mattered was the color of his skin.

I took care of her as she was dying from metastatic cancer. Over and over she would restate how she was a good mother, and how at least she and my father never hit or abused us. (What?!?) I tried agreeing, and I tried deflecting, but it never would really let up. And I was hurting myself by participating in it -- by denying my real experiences, it was retraumatizing. Not as bad as the first, but not healthy. Not at all.

Eventually I would leave the room if she felt like having that conversation with herself, and we'd talk about something else when I came back.

She had trouble living with what she had done, later. But I was supposed to bear the brunt of living with what she did to me at the time AND the burden of denying it? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

If he was just stating "I was such a good parent." I would 100% let it go. He's old, it is what it is.

But if he's really ASKING that changes my opinion. I'd try answering with something like "why do you ask?' That may help you come up with the best answer for the situation.

If it seems like he honestly wants to know, I'd try "sandwiching." One good thing, one negative thing, one good thing, without an overall statement. So something like, "I always felt loved at home. I do think that some of my experiences around the divorce were a bit less than ideal. But I also remember just loving spending time with you n your workshop. Remember when I helped you make that chair? What a wonderful memory."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both my elderly parents have created this idealized view of raising me and in their minds, they were great parents. They have forgotten all their mistakes and appalling misdeeds. Usually I just let it go. Nothing brought their failures into focus like being a parent myself though.

Agree with this. OTOH, certain things they did that I was salty about when I was younger I understand now (yes, parents do deserve some time to themselves). Other things, like hitting me, I just can't fathom raising my hand against my child. They are so small, so dependent on me. And I know the kids can be really frustrating but sometimes you just have to walk away and calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg OP, grow up.

I think asking for advice on a message board is a grown up approach. She’s identified an issue and is taking the time to think through how to react, rather than just stating the first snappy comeback that popped into her head (like a teenager might do).

[Anonymous]

I took care of her as she was dying from metastatic cancer. Over and over she would restate how she was a good mother, and how at least she and my father never hit or abused us. (What?!?) I tried agreeing, and I tried deflecting, but it never would really let up. And I was hurting myself by participating in it -- by denying my real experiences, it was retraumatizing. Not as bad as the first, but not healthy. Not at all.

I am 100% sure that if I told my mom she was wrong to hit me, that this would immediately cause her to emit a giant cloud of defensive rationalizations, justifications, and explanations - "I was tired, I was so busy, you were a very disobedient child, that was the way things were done back then" etc etc etc. She would never say, without any caveats, "that was wrong and I'm sorry". Therefore I don't even want to have that conversation.

From time to time she says "if I did anything wrong when I was raising you, I'm sorry". I find this frankly insulting. It's like she doesn't even want to think about what she did that was wrong - and there was quite a lot - but wants forgiveness anyway. It's all about her, and wanting to feel better, and not at all about how it affected me. Along similar lines, she is obsessed with the injuries her parents inflicted on her, and can recount specific things from 60 or 70 years ago, but can't remember, or even try to remember, any injuries she inflicted on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my elderly parents have created this idealized view of raising me and in their minds, they were great parents. They have forgotten all their mistakes and appalling misdeeds. Usually I just let it go. Nothing brought their failures into focus like being a parent myself though.

Agree with this. OTOH, certain things they did that I was salty about when I was younger I understand now (yes, parents do deserve some time to themselves). Other things, like hitting me, I just can't fathom raising my hand against my child. They are so small, so dependent on me. And I know the kids can be really frustrating but sometimes you just have to walk away and calm down.

Your memories change as your life circumstances change, though. Studies show that women remember their fathers as worse parents if they are unhappy with their current partner’s parenting. If you find yourself dwelling a lot on how bad your parents were (compared to you), you are also selectively remembering, with the very ego-preserving bias of defending your own parenting. Parenting guilt is unbearable to the ego, so much that it will defend itself against every accusation with the zeal of a defense attorney.

[Anonymous]

You could lose an inheritance if you make him mad. Follow the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honesty is the rule in our family. Grievance has no expiration date with us. I would ask him, "In which areas do you feel you did the best as a father?" Then I would tell him my opinion. I have found nothing so healing as asking, "Why did you do XYZ, that hurt so much when I was a child?" The answers sometimes surprise you. Often the parent did not understand the impact or was overwhelmed by other things.

Oh wow I'm glad I dont live in that family. Would you like to be called to account for everything even unintentional you did all your life?! Nobody could measure up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Benefit is you can get your inheritance quicker if you’re sure you can give him a heart attack with your honest feelings.

LOL!
I bet your friends think you're kind of a cynical person, don't they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my elderly parents have created this idealized view of raising me and in their minds, they were great parents. They have forgotten all their mistakes and appalling misdeeds. Usually I just let it go. Nothing brought their failures into focus like being a parent myself though.

Agree with this. OTOH, certain things they did that I was salty about when I was younger I understand now (yes, parents do deserve some time to themselves). Other things, like hitting me, I just can't fathom raising my hand against my child. They are so small, so dependent on me. And I know the kids can be really frustrating but sometimes you just have to walk away and calm down.

Your memories change as your life circumstances change, though. Studies show that women remember their fathers as worse parents if they are unhappy with their current partner’s parenting. If you find yourself dwelling a lot on how bad your parents were (compared to you), you are also selectively remembering, with the very ego-preserving bias of defending your own parenting. Parenting guilt is unbearable to the ego, so much that it will defend itself against every accusation with the zeal of a defense attorney.

You can also resent objective abuse that was done to you as a child, regardless of whether you have children yourself.

I get that it's "unbearable to the ego" to remember having abused someone. It's worse to have borne that abuse.