Picky and complain-y spouse

[Anonymous]

Anyone else have a spouse who has an overly narrow sliver of what they like and it often feels like they are just never happy and always complaining? They need a very specific kind of bed, they are very picky with foods, vacation spots, clothing, gifts, books, music, pillows, etc.

My spouse is like this and I know he can't help it, but sometimes it really does get old!! And it's even worse when you also have a child like this. How do I cope>>?? He's learned to complain a little less, but the lack of enthusiasm for pretty much all things in the way of food, restaurants, vacations, activities, gifts, and pretty much everything I plan for us.... is a bit of a downer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else have a spouse who has an overly narrow sliver of what they like and it often feels like they are just never happy and always complaining? They need a very specific kind of bed, they are very picky with foods, vacation spots, clothing, gifts, books, music, pillows, etc.

My spouse is like this and I know he can't help it, but sometimes it really does get old!! And it's even worse when you also have a child like this. How do I cope>>?? He's learned to complain a little less, but the lack of enthusiasm for pretty much all things in the way of food, restaurants, vacations, activities, gifts, and pretty much everything I plan for us.... is a bit of a downer.

This is your problem. If he’s so picky, he should do the bulk of the planning.

[Anonymous]

everything I plan for us

DH became a lot less picky when taking care of himself was all on him

[Anonymous]

He will find, that being picky, does not make him interesting

[Anonymous]

I’m,

[Anonymous]

My husband complained about his laundry. He doesn’t complain anymore since I stopped doing his.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

[Anonymous]

I was just talking to my husband about this the other day. He told me that he felt that if he approved of something, that he imagined his approval was very meaningful. So, if he says that he enjoyed a movie or liked a restaurant, then he is putting that opinion out there and he needs to weigh the pros and cons first.

I told him that he was being an idiot, almost no one really cares that much about his opinion, and the few people who do care very much and are heartbroken when he doesn’t like their school or the dessert they made or the book they are excited about or whatever.

I hope that your husband figures out how to cut it out. You can ignore it, but your kids will hang on his every word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Not OP but that was *really* helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

As an experiment, have him choose his own food, pillow, books, vacation destinations, music, movies, et al. Some of this might be shared, like food or vacations, and some not. Separate vacations and meals might be in order. Let this man-baby fend for himself a bit and be responsible for his own choices.

[Anonymous]

Maybe have him do the planning?

TBH... I'm the picky one. I do almost all of the planning. Sometimes it's tiring, but I know it's my fault anyway. If I'm indecisive about something, he gets the final say usually.

[Anonymous]

Does he have anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Wow, girl. You’ve really lived this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Not OP but that was *really* helpful, thank you.

Another NP who completely agrees. My DH likes to poke holes in all of my suggestions without coming up with new ones. It is demoralizing. I stopped suggesting things.

[Anonymous]

I’m picky, so I plan everything and check in with DH before making a decision. Sounds like your DH needs to pick up the planning duties.