Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:
"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."
"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."
"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."
And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.
Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.
Wow. You really articulate exactly what it feels like and why it feels so demoralizing. The thing about catering to his preferences and becoming detached from my own…. TRUTH. I don’t think I’ll get anywhere with expressing this to him, but I’m willing to give it a try.
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