Picky and complain-y spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Curious why he doesn’t plan things then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does he have anxiety?

Or is on the spectrum? Rigid, literal, can read a situation, poor planning, poor verbal comm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Curious why he doesn’t plan things then?

He plans thing sometimes and I will also force him to plan things sometimes. We also technically plan things together sometimes, but I really have to manage that dynamic because he can very easily hijack with negativity.

When he plans things on his own, he procrastinates a lot and then gets angry when, for instance, things get booked or the price goes up. He is not always open to suggestions or help during this process so it can be a pretty miserable experience for all involved. It also means that I often don't get to do things I wanted or was looking forward to, because he failed to organize them. With kids this gets worse because disappointment with kids can be much harder to deal with. So I plan most things. If he can just get to the point where he doesn't actively thwart my planning, it's honestly not that bad.

[Anonymous]

A long time ago someone gave me good advice on dating/marrying. Don't choose a picky man. Picky men typically have low libidos. Men with healthy appetites for life find lots of things appealing. That's why when you hear a man dissect a woman's appearance, run away. To a healthy man, most women look attractive, and he can imagine himself with 90% of them. Once he starts picking and getting "really choosy", it means he will have problem getting it up

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my ex-wife. She had that act down pat.

[Anonymous]

I gave a child with these tendencies. It’s easier to deal with him than it would be with a grown man, I imagine, but it does get old quite often.
I don’t really have a solution, I just say that he can choose to be picky and upset or he can choose to enjoy what’s available, and maybe look forward to next time.
I think it has to do with some extra sensitivity or maybe anxiety of some kind. People are worried about “being fooled” or “having to feel this discomfort forever” or some such. It all boils down to personality. I try to remember it and not take it personally. Their life is sure hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my ex-wife. She had that act down pat.

You again? From the depression and aspergers stuff?

[Anonymous]

He needs to be the planner and plan it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A long time ago someone gave me good advice on dating/marrying. Don't choose a picky man. Picky men typically have low libidos. Men with healthy appetites for life find lots of things appealing. That's why when you hear a man dissect a woman's appearance, run away. To a healthy man, most women look attractive, and he can imagine himself with 90% of them. Once he starts picking and getting "really choosy", it means he will have problem getting it up

This. I wish I had known this in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my ex-wife. She had that act down pat.

You again? From the depression and aspergers stuff?

No. I'm just back from a six month time-out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to be the planner and plan it all.

Yet he never does. No initiative. Not proactive.

[Anonymous]

You probably need a therapist. This is not fair to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Curious why he doesn’t plan things then?

He plans thing sometimes and I will also force him to plan things sometimes. We also technically plan things together sometimes, but I really have to manage that dynamic because he can very easily hijack with negativity.

When he plans things on his own, he procrastinates a lot and then gets angry when, for instance, things get booked or the price goes up. He is not always open to suggestions or help during this process so it can be a pretty miserable experience for all involved. It also means that I often don't get to do things I wanted or was looking forward to, because he failed to organize them. With kids this gets worse because disappointment with kids can be much harder to deal with. So I plan most things. If he can just get to the point where he doesn't actively thwart my planning, it's honestly not that bad.

Damn that relationship sounds like a lot of work. I'm tired after just reading that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Curious why he doesn’t plan things then?

He plans thing sometimes and I will also force him to plan things sometimes. We also technically plan things together sometimes, but I really have to manage that dynamic because he can very easily hijack with negativity.

When he plans things on his own, he procrastinates a lot and then gets angry when, for instance, things get booked or the price goes up. He is not always open to suggestions or help during this process so it can be a pretty miserable experience for all involved. It also means that I often don't get to do things I wanted or was looking forward to, because he failed to organize them. With kids this gets worse because disappointment with kids can be much harder to deal with. So I plan most things. If he can just get to the point where he doesn't actively thwart my planning, it's honestly not that bad.

Damn that relationship sounds like a lot of work. I'm tired after just reading that.

Agree. I think PP is one of the most thoughtful posters I’ve read on DCUM recently, and easily the most patient outside of a few posters on the special needs forum. It seems clear she could do better in the husband department.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my DH can be like this. He actually has gotten better over the years because I have calmly explained to him how it impacts me. Here are some things I've said to him over the years:

"When you reject every suggestion I make for dinner, a new piece of furniture, or weekend plans, it puts you in the position of power as the decider, and me in a subservient position as the suggester. And each time I make a suggest that you decline, I feel like I have less and less power over my own life, because I reach a point where I am merely trying to find something you will accept, and I become detached from my own preferences."

"When you approach vacations with high expectations and get upset or complain when they don't meet your expectations, I know you think you are simply holding the hotel/airline/restaurant/resort/museum/etc. to what sometimes seems like an impossible standard. But since I generally plan most of the details of our vacations, it makes me feel like I have failed because the things you are upset about or complaining about are often things I booked or chose, frequently with limited or no input from you even when requested. So when you get upset about these things, I don't feel like we are in it with you. I again feel like I am merely working to serve your interests."

"When I ask you for suggestions or input on choices we need to make, and you have none to offer or even get irritated by the conversation, I sometimes take that to mean you don't really care about the choice. So it is then frustrating later if you complain or nitpick my choice because I tried to involve you and you rejected it."

And so on. I think over time, we've figured out that a lot of his complaining and pickiness is fear driven -- he fears making the wrong choice and therefore settles into a pattern of just rejecting all choices to avoid it. When we can identify this, it helps a lot because then we can work together to address it (talk through a worst case scenario, or adjust our expectations to take the pressure off). He also has a lot of anxiety around spending money, as do I, and often these issues come up because he doesn't want something to cost very much money, and when he does he has unrealistic expectations for what it should be (happens a lot around vacations). Meanwhile I feel intense pressure to deliver the maximum possible quality for the minimum possible cost and sometimes it's just not possible. So we force ourselves to have more honest conversations around budgets.

Point is: this is something that can change. But (1) you need to make sure you are telling him how it negatively impacts you and your relationship, and (2) he has to be invested enough in those things to do the work to get better. My DH is still more rigid and picky than your average person, but he's much easier to work with as a partner now, and also just a more self-aware person in general.

Curious why he doesn’t plan things then?

He plans thing sometimes and I will also force him to plan things sometimes. We also technically plan things together sometimes, but I really have to manage that dynamic because he can very easily hijack with negativity.

When he plans things on his own, he procrastinates a lot and then gets angry when, for instance, things get booked or the price goes up. He is not always open to suggestions or help during this process so it can be a pretty miserable experience for all involved. It also means that I often don't get to do things I wanted or was looking forward to, because he failed to organize them. With kids this gets worse because disappointment with kids can be much harder to deal with. So I plan most things. If he can just get to the point where he doesn't actively thwart my planning, it's honestly not that bad.

Damn that relationship sounds like a lot of work. I'm tired after just reading that.

He sound s handicapped, does he have learning disabilities or is neuroatypical?