If your own mother is the toxic one

[Anonymous]

My mother is the toxic one in our family. Does your husband defend/support/back you up to your own mother when she’s being stupid? I feel like my husband never or rarely does, he just stays out if it. Sometimes it’s simple stupid stuff like where to put the high chair at dinner—I said to just leave it next to me, she yelled to stop treating her like a child and stormed off and never joined us for dinner. Other times it’s stuff like having too much to drink and walking ext to DH five feet in front of me and telling him that I’m such a b—— sometimes. He just kinda nods in acknowledgment to avoid conflict. I guess I never really expected him to back me up, but it still hurts.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry and I get that it hurts. Yes this is a problem that your DH does not have your back. Was he like that when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's your DH's place to defend you against your own mother. That's a huge overstep. If she's that toxic, cut her out your life and then it'll be DH's place to support you in that loss of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I mean you should be protecting him from her, by limiting contact! Do you think it’s pleasant for him to be around someone like that ? You are the one bringing her into your lives, it’s your responsibility to handle it. This is the craziest version of princess rescue syndrome I’ve ever heard of. Step up yourself and create boundaries and limit contact and don’t look for others to rescue you from your own family.

[Anonymous]

We cannot stay in the same house for more than 2 weeks, because she gets progressively more clingy, demanding and restrictive. We try to ignore her baits, accusations, complaints and whining as much as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is the toxic one in our family. Does your husband defend/support/back you up to your own mother when she’s being stupid? I feel like my husband never or rarely does, he just stays out if it. Sometimes it’s simple stupid stuff like where to put the high chair at dinner—I said to just leave it next to me, she yelled to stop treating her like a child and stormed off and never joined us for dinner. Other times it’s stuff like having too much to drink and walking ext to DH five feet in front of me and telling him that I’m such a b—— sometimes. He just kinda nods in acknowledgment to avoid conflict. I guess I never really expected him to back me up, but it still hurts.

He's suffering and waiting for you to do the right thing, which is to not see your mother as much. It's not his place to defend you. It's your place to defend him and yourself, but not actually seeing this terror.

[Anonymous]

No he doesn't, and I think that is okay. He has watched me hold my own for 13 years now. He is always there to console me and all that post her nonsense. But unless she slapped me or something crazy like that, I don't think he would get in the middle. I also ensure that we only see her and my dad on our terms, keep it light, and very very short visits and we are about 100 miles away. And never for holidays, we do our own thing for those. This last visit I found that opening a bottle of wine did wonders and softened her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your DH's place to defend you against your own mother. That's a huge overstep. If she's that toxic, cut her out your life and then it'll be DH's place to support you in that loss of a relationship.

This. This is the answer.

Blood handles blood. You deal with you mother, he deals with his.

If your mom is out of line, it’s your job to follow up with her, and like PP said, cut her out of your life if necessary.

[Anonymous]

Sad thing is daughter will follow mom's footsteps later in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your DH's place to defend you against your own mother. That's a huge overstep. If she's that toxic, cut her out your life and then it'll be DH's place to support you in that loss of a relationship.

I’ve been in your shoes. This is the correct answer. I learned this the hard way after allowing my dysfunctional relationship with my mother almost ruin my marriage. It is your job to nip this in the bud. Your mom was likely an issue before you even met DH. It’s unfair to put that on him. He should be a friend while you deal with the stress of putting your mom in check.

[Anonymous]

Much less frequent visits with your Mom. Not in your home, so you can pick up and leave quickly when she is out of line. Set boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I'm sitting here puzzling why you think your husband should be defending you against your mom in the scenarious you describe.

If she is criticzing you or making mean jokes about you, he should not agree, he should not pile on, and he should not laugh. And after when you are alone with him he should console and acknowedlge how difficult she is.

But remaining neutral and silent and staying out of it is reasonable.

I think it is dysfunctional of you to expect him to come to your defense.

[Anonymous]

If your mother was calling you a b*tch, and I were you, I would not be getting together with her anymore. And I would have a VERY serious come to Jesus talk with my husband about how it should be COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE to him when someone calls his wife a b*tch and he damn well better start standing up for me if that ever happens again or I will seriously reconsider my future with him.

Both of these are totally unacceptable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We cannot stay in the same house for more than 2 weeks, because she gets progressively more clingy, demanding and restrictive. We try to ignore her baits, accusations, complaints and whining as much as possible.

Two weeks? You expect your DH to stay with your toxic mother for 2 weeks?

I try really hard not to inflict my mother on my DH. We visit for maybe 2 nights, and stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sad thing is daughter will follow mom's footsteps later in life

No.