How to teach a teen NOT to be a people pleaser?

[Anonymous]

DD carries a lot of insecurity, guilt, and low self esteem with her people pleasing personality. How can I help her let go of these tendencies?

[Anonymous]

I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

[Anonymous]

We found the classic book to be helpful: Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. The trick is to begin with kindness - that’s my child’s nature - but try to show them that not everyone has the same motives/perspective. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Ugh no! People pleasing is overwhelmingly gendered, skewed to disadvantage girls and women. It contributes to so much inequality, including but not limited to rape culture, gender pay gap, and the intersectionality of race, gender, etc.

[Anonymous]

As a people pleaser myself I am going to follow this thread . It’s not a great quality. I put myself last especially in relationships. Tend to date / have sex with guys I actually hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a people pleaser myself I am going to follow this thread . It’s not a great quality. I put myself last especially in relationships. Tend to date / have sex with guys I actually hate.

I'm so sorry! Please seek therapy. 🙏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Ugh no! People pleasing is overwhelmingly gendered, skewed to disadvantage girls and women. It contributes to so much inequality, including but not limited to rape culture, gender pay gap, and the intersectionality of race, gender, etc.

It may skew, but this is an issue for males as well. I struggle to help my son see boundaries, to be willing to say no, to not take on others' feelings as his own. He too is a people pleaser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We found the classic book to be helpful: Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. The trick is to begin with kindness - that’s my child’s nature - but try to show them that not everyone has the same motives/perspective. Good luck!

Thank you for the book recommendation. It is based on Bible so for non-Christians this book may need a lot of mental editing to be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Yeah, it's not. I'm starting to see signs of this in my 10yo, and it concerns me. She needs to trust her own judgment, and not do things based on other people's expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Yeah, it's not. I'm starting to see signs of this in my 10yo, and it concerns me. She needs to trust her own judgment, and not do things based on other people's expectations.

Exactly my 10 yo too. Of course it worked for her as a young child -- people raved about how "good" of a kid she was, how giving, how kind, how understanding of others. Never got in trouble at school and teachers loved her. Of course, all that praise just taught her she should continue to be this way, and she doesn't quite understand when I talk about standing up for herself and doing things for herself, not just what others want.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is a follower, just part of the herd so relax. She wants to fit in and be accepted and she is going to do what it takes for that to happen. I suppose you could do some kind of personality intervention but I doubt she changes. Her identity and value as a person is found in The Group. it is who she is and who she is going to be. Maybe if you moved to MoCo she might change to be a little meaner and not want to be a pleasing, agreeable person?

[Anonymous]

I think it's important to model this behavior for your kid. If you struggle with it yourself, show your teen how you're working to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Yikes, do you even know what this means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is a follower, just part of the herd so relax. She wants to fit in and be accepted and she is going to do what it takes for that to happen. I suppose you could do some kind of personality intervention but I doubt she changes. Her identity and value as a person is found in The Group. it is who she is and who she is going to be. Maybe if you moved to MoCo she might change to be a little meaner and not want to be a pleasing, agreeable person?

No, you want your kid to be ok being part of the group but knowing that there is a time and place to say no and not follow. Not every kid has to lead but the people pleaser is more likely to go along with something dangerous due to peer pressure then the kid who is fine following but understands that it is ok and acceptable to say no.

[Anonymous]

Instead of focusing on people pleaser, focus ok teaching her to be more assertive. I have two parents who were both anti-confrontational and not that assertive. My father was a little better than my mother but not much. Part of this is personality. There were three siblings and two of us were very assertive and independent. My sister is more like them. My parents will put everyone’s needs before theirs and never question anything. It’s been an issue with doctors, repair people, relators, family and friends.

I don’t have answers but I’d keep reminding your daughter to stand up for herself. It’s okay to say no, not just in a peer pressure or sexual situation, but with anything in life. Give her opinions and sometimes she needs to take charge.

Maybe start with having her call and make an appointment if she needs one. I know it seems silly, but my mother even has difficulty calling any company on the phone to do this or especially if she has an issue needing customer service.