How to teach a teen NOT to be a people pleaser?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think being a pleaser is positive! Where are you getting the opposite? Especially for tweens!

Ugh no! People pleasing is overwhelmingly gendered, skewed to disadvantage girls and women. It contributes to so much inequality, including but not limited to rape culture, gender pay gap, and the intersectionality of race, gender, etc.

+1

Here's a good adult resource. If you click the "Look Inside" feature and scroll down, you can see the "Nice vs Not Nice Reference Guide". Super helpful.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Nice-Pleasing-Speaking-Unapologetically/dp/098897987X/ref=pd_bxgy_2/138-6601757-2346027?pd_rd_w=wNXOI&pf_rd_p=c64372fa-c41c-422e-990d-9e034f73989b&pf_rd_r=SKVB0PDX36QWMGN6GEV1&pd_rd_r=1e4c01c1-4ca0-4f75-becd-7571d86c4449&pd_rd_wg=OSF1l&pd_rd_i=098897987X&psc=1&asin=098897987X&revisionId=&format=4&depth=1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We found the classic book to be helpful: Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life. The trick is to begin with kindness - that’s my child’s nature - but try to show them that not everyone has the same motives/perspective. Good luck!

Thank you for the book recommendation. It is based on Bible so for non-Christians this book may need a lot of mental editing to be useful.

Yes, I found some of the gender stereotypes and church talk to be distracting, but the overall perspective was helpful.

Here's another good one: https://www.amazon.com/Disease-Please-Curing-People-Pleasing-Syndrome/dp/0071385649

[Anonymous]

My DD is like this, but not a teen yet. She's very, very empathetic which makes it harder I think. She gets pleasure out of seeing other people's needs met and having everyone around her be happy. It makes her a joy to parent, but dh and I are always trying to get her to be stronger and to stand up for herself. I don't want others to refer to her as a sheeple or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of focusing on people pleaser, focus ok teaching her to be more assertive. I have two parents who were both anti-confrontational and not that assertive. My father was a little better than my mother but not much. Part of this is personality. There were three siblings and two of us were very assertive and independent. My sister is more like them. My parents will put everyone’s needs before theirs and never question anything. It’s been an issue with doctors, repair people, relators, family and friends.

I don’t have answers but I’d keep reminding your daughter to stand up for herself. It’s okay to say no, not just in a peer pressure or sexual situation, but with anything in life. Give her opinions and sometimes she needs to take charge.

Maybe start with having her call and make an appointment if she needs one. I know it seems silly, but my mother even has difficulty calling any company on the phone to do this or especially if she has an issue needing customer service.

Good advice. I was raised by two scrappy, working class New Yorkers, and I definitely learned to be assertive from the start. Some of it is my natural personality, and some of it was their modeling.

I think the very first step with tweens and teens is teaching them to slow down and ask themselves, "What do I want in this situation?" or "Do I agree with this?" Just teaching themselves to pause to listen to THEIR OWN THOUGHTS and inner voice is key. Even if they don't (or can't) act on it in a particular situation. The more they tune into that inner voice, the easier it will be to make independent decisions when needed.

Step two is helping them navigate when to prioritize their own needs/preferences and when to prioritize the needs/preferences of others. No easy answer there. That's where parental empathy and modeling/narrating come in handy. ("Here's why I chose to do X with/for Larla, even though I would have preferred to do Y." Or "Yeah, so I chose to do X, even though I know Larla wanted me to do Y. It's hard -- she's angry/disappointed/upset -- but I did it because XYZ. What would you have done?"

[Anonymous]

It’s not good to be a people-pleaser, nor is it good to be self-centered. Work on finding a healthy balance of assertiveness without being a jerk. I think it becomes easier with age. After years of being a shy people-pleaser, I’m learning to care less about what other people think, and care more about making myself happy. Life is short!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of focusing on people pleaser, focus ok teaching her to be more assertive. I have two parents who were both anti-confrontational and not that assertive. My father was a little better than my mother but not much. Part of this is personality. There were three siblings and two of us were very assertive and independent. My sister is more like them. My parents will put everyone’s needs before theirs and never question anything. It’s been an issue with doctors, repair people, relators, family and friends.

I don’t have answers but I’d keep reminding your daughter to stand up for herself. It’s okay to say no, not just in a peer pressure or sexual situation, but with anything in life. Give her opinions and sometimes she needs to take charge.

Maybe start with having her call and make an appointment if she needs one. I know it seems silly, but my mother even has difficulty calling any company on the phone to do this or especially if she has an issue needing customer service.

Good advice. I was raised by two scrappy, working class New Yorkers, and I definitely learned to be assertive from the start. Some of it is my natural personality, and some of it was their modeling.

I think the very first step with tweens and teens is teaching them to slow down and ask themselves, "What do I want in this situation?" or "Do I agree with this?" Just teaching themselves to pause to listen to THEIR OWN THOUGHTS and inner voice is key. Even if they don't (or can't) act on it in a particular situation. The more they tune into that inner voice, the easier it will be to make independent decisions when needed.

Step two is helping them navigate when to prioritize their own needs/preferences and when to prioritize the needs/preferences of others. No easy answer there. That's where parental empathy and modeling/narrating come in handy. ("Here's why I chose to do X with/for Larla, even though I would have preferred to do Y." Or "Yeah, so I chose to do X, even though I know Larla wanted me to do Y. It's hard -- she's angry/disappointed/upset -- but I did it because XYZ. What would you have done?"

You are quoting me and I agree with everything you said. I’m also from NY, so it was an odd combination to have passive parents around so many outspoken relatives and friends. It always made me feel like my parents were getting pushed around and taken advantage of. This could be why I went the opposite way and am very direct and assertive, more of your stereotypical NY attitude.

[Anonymous]

My parents wanted obedience at all times, so I had to become a people pleaser OP.

Do you let your dd disagree with you? Do what she wants to do sometimes? Do you allow anger and disagreement? Did you allow her not to hug or refuse to be around people she didn't like? If not, something to think about.