How would you handle this -- difference in parenting practices
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Anonymous
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My 11 year old son is friends with the daughter of someone I'm close to, and we see them regularly. I like the kid, I like the parent. But the dynamic between the two of them (parent/child) is pretty different from they dynamic between me and my kid, and a situation like this keeps coming up.
Kids are together, and they decide they want something. Usually something where i don't have a strong opinion. Today it was a popsicle before lunch at their house, another time it was permission to go inside to play video games at my house, it varies. Kids ask. Other mom says no popsicles before lunch, or no, I want you to stay outside and off screens. My kid accepts that as applying to both of them. Then the other kid throws a fit, and the other parent changes their mind, so my kid looks to me to see if he has permission to eat the popsicle, or go inside to play. I'm torn. If my kid was the one throwing the fit, then I would I say no. If it was something I actually didn't want him to do then I'd stick with no, but usually it's something where I would have said yes if the other parent had said yes, and where my no was just backing her up, and to prevent rudeness (e.g. it would be rude for my kid to go play video games inside when his guest isn't allowed to join). Anyway, would you say something? Tell your kid "No, we're playing outside"? Head this off by saying yes or no first? |
Anonymous
| This is too complicated and I wouldn't get together with the kids anymore. 11 is WAY too old to be throwing a fit. |
Anonymous
| Are you all at their house or your house? If you're all at their house, then it's their rules and your DC should be allowed to do what the other DC does. If it's your house, it's your rules. And both kids follow them. |
Anonymous
It happens at both houses. Today we were at their house, when they decided they wanted popsicles. Obviously, my kid isn't going to eat their popsicle unless their mom says yes, so he didn't even ask. And I don't really have a "rule" about popsicles at 10 a.m.. Last week, with the video games, everyone was outside, and they came and asked if they could go inside to play video games. Again, something I might say yes or no to. But the other mom said immediately, "No, I want you to play outside", and since what my kid wanted was to play video games with his friend, he lost interest in video games when he thought the choice was between playing video games alone, or playing outside with his friend. In both cases, I think the other mom was within her rights to say no. I mean, obviously, it's her popsicles, but I also think it's reasonable for a parent to say you can't go in someone's home for whatever reason. I just wish she'd stick with it! |
Anonymous
| I would talk to your son ahead of time. "Larla has a way of manipulating her mom into getting her own way. I don't want to go down that path or see you use that. Do you know what I mean? Think about the popsicle incident." |
Anonymous
OP here, We have talked about it. I don’t really know what I am worried about, in the sense that I know my kid knows that wouldn’t fly here. |
Anonymous
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I am a pretty go with the flow parent. It would not bother me at all to acquiesce to the parent changing their mind if I would have said yes anyway. My age 11 your kid should know enough to realize that this doesn’t mean they should start throwing tantrums over stuff.
But I would not be interested in hanging out with the 11 year old that threw a fit. |
Anonymous
I will add that it would also drive me crazy to witness this type of parenting often. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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it sounds like you are doing all the right things. You are debriefing what your kid experienced, they are not picking up the habit, and they are learning that different people act differently and that is ok. If your kid started doing that, I would worry. If you start to get the "but Johnny's mom..." then you talk more about it. The biggest thing would be when you care, does your kid respond the way you want. So, no popsicle at 10am, but we can have one after lunch and your kid mopes. Problem. Kid says cool. Then all things are fine.
It is the same to be me as you go to the pool and someone else orders a snickers and coke from the snack bar. My kid will look at me like - can I? I say no or not now or whatever, and then it is over. You are not giving into the tantum. But your kid is benefitting from it, which is ok. |
Anonymous
| I would go with the final answer. This dynamic is not one I cultivate but won’t hurt your kid to see it. Just tell him that the first answer from that mom isn’t the final one so wait to decide anything. |
Anonymous
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This is common to have to deal with a crazy parent, get use to it.
Tell your kid, Larla’s mom says no to things I would normally say yes to, if she says no, we will follow that… if she changes her mind we will follow that too. We have to get use to being flexible when others are involved. Training for future crazy coaches. |
Anonymous
| I think the safe bet would be some combination of avoiding giving any answer at all until the inevitable fit has transpired and Larla’s mom has given her final answer or just cheerfully saying “Whatever Larla’s mom decides is fine with me!” |
Anonymous
Basically this. I'd have a little conversation with my kid about the dynamic at some point but otherwise, I don't think it's harmful to go with the flow here. I am assuming, OP, that it feels like *you* are giving into the other kid's tantrum, in a way, but you're really not. As others have said, at 11, your kid can grasp what's happening and that you wouldn't give in if it was something you said no to... but you also didn't say no to it! |
Anonymous
| 11 year olds, will soon if not now already, not tolerate being tag-alongs just because the parents are friends. |