How would you handle this -- difference in parenting practices

[Anonymous]

I am probably more like the other parent but I am much more lax when with others. I would say popsicles after the meal. If we were hot outside and it is more like a drink and some time before lunch, I would let it go. Also prefer no screen play dates but let our guests lead.

[Anonymous]

OMG. Are we really talking about 11y old kids here?

Anyway, it is not your business of problem how the other mother deals with her kid. If your kid turns to you consistently to, silently, ask for guidance, just say: you do what you prefer - I don't really care if you go inside to play video game/eat popsicle before lunch.

And yes, I would sat just like that in front of the other mother so, hopefully, she will stop creating problems out of nothing. Clearly thosecate not big issues to her either as she is caving to her child so easily.


In no circumstances would I punish my child because of the other mother inadequacies. I mean, you were not the one to set the rule of no ice cream or video game, and your child was not the one to push back.
Why in hell keeping the OTHER woman initial rule for your child would even been considered, is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:11 year olds, will soon if not now already, not tolerate being tag-alongs just because the parents are friends.

Thanks! That’s not actually the dynamic here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably more like the other parent but I am much more lax when with others. I would say popsicles after the meal. If we were hot outside and it is more like a drink and some time before lunch, I would let it go. Also prefer no screen play dates but let our guests lead.

Like them how?

One thing about the dynamic is that I think the other parent perceives the situation differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old son is friends with the daughter of someone I'm close to, and we see them regularly. I like the kid, I like the parent. But the dynamic between the two of them (parent/child) is pretty different from they dynamic between me and my kid, and a situation like this keeps coming up.

Kids are together, and they decide they want something. Usually something where i don't have a strong opinion. Today it was a popsicle before lunch at their house, another time it was permission to go inside to play video games at my house, it varies. Kids ask. Other mom says no popsicles before lunch, or no, I want you to stay outside and off screens. My kid accepts that as applying to both of them. Then the other kid throws a fit, and the other parent changes their mind, so my kid looks to me to see if he has permission to eat the popsicle, or go inside to play.

I'm torn. If my kid was the one throwing the fit, then I would I say no. If it was something I actually didn't want him to do then I'd stick with no, but usually it's something where I would have said yes if the other parent had said yes, and where my no was just backing her up, and to prevent rudeness (e.g. it would be rude for my kid to go play video games inside when his guest isn't allowed to join).

Anyway, would you say something? Tell your kid "No, we're playing outside"? Head this off by saying yes or no first?

Why is your kid looking to you? Their house, their rules. I’d just tell your 11 year old who is well old enough to understand that they should accept the other parents rules. And perhaps part of this is that the other parent thinks you might be judgmental about the rules or her child’s behavior. She may be trying to smooth out the situation. Regardless, this isn’t a difference in parenting styles so don’t use that passive aggressive crap. You want to criticize her for not being consistent. Cool. You did. So just tell her hey it’s easier for my kid if we just make a decision and stick with it or he gets anxious. I mean, he’s 11, so I don’t know what’s going on. Why are you two watching them so closely?

[Anonymous]

It's more difficult when you DO care and are opposed to the activity. We just shared a beach house with another family that does donuts and sugar cereals for breakfast every single morning and dessert with every meal, things we don't do. One day the other kids had two ice creams 3x. I said no the first time and yes the second, even though I really didn't want them eating that much crap. Being around other families with different rules is always a challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more difficult when you DO care and are opposed to the activity. We just shared a beach house with another family that does donuts and sugar cereals for breakfast every single morning and dessert with every meal, things we don't do. One day the other kids had two ice creams 3x. I said no the first time and yes the second, even though I really didn't want them eating that much crap. Being around other families with different rules is always a challenge.

wow you must be fun on vacation. Surely there is a middle ground here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's more difficult when you DO care and are opposed to the activity. We just shared a beach house with another family that does donuts and sugar cereals for breakfast every single morning and dessert with every meal, things we don't do. One day the other kids had two ice creams 3x. I said no the first time and yes the second, even though I really didn't want them eating that much crap. Being around other families with different rules is always a challenge.

wow you must be fun on vacation. Surely there is a middle ground here?

I agree with PP. Vacation isn’t exactly fun when your kid is hyped up on sugar all the time. They did say they let them have it some times. It would drive me nuts to be with a family who eats junk food all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's more difficult when you DO care and are opposed to the activity. We just shared a beach house with another family that does donuts and sugar cereals for breakfast every single morning and dessert with every meal, things we don't do. One day the other kids had two ice creams 3x. I said no the first time and yes the second, even though I really didn't want them eating that much crap. Being around other families with different rules is always a challenge.

OP here,

It’s not that I don’t care at all about those things. It’s just that in those particular circumstances (e.g. a popsicle when playing outside on a hot day) I would have said yes if the other mother had.

But I also want to respect her parenting. If saying no was important to me, I would have just said it, but since it wasn’t I just waited for her to talk first. One thing I wonder is whether it would make sense for me to just say no, because the other kid might accept it?

Ironically I think the other mom thinks that she says no a lot, and I am the permissive one, but I actually think that I end up on no more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 11 year old son is friends with the daughter of someone I'm close to, and we see them regularly. I like the kid, I like the parent. But the dynamic between the two of them (parent/child) is pretty different from they dynamic between me and my kid, and a situation like this keeps coming up.

Kids are together, and they decide they want something. Usually something where i don't have a strong opinion. Today it was a popsicle before lunch at their house, another time it was permission to go inside to play video games at my house, it varies. Kids ask. Other mom says no popsicles before lunch, or no, I want you to stay outside and off screens. My kid accepts that as applying to both of them. Then the other kid throws a fit, and the other parent changes their mind, so my kid looks to me to see if he has permission to eat the popsicle, or go inside to play.

I'm torn. If my kid was the one throwing the fit, then I would I say no. If it was something I actually didn't want him to do then I'd stick with no, but usually it's something where I would have said yes if the other parent had said yes, and where my no was just backing her up, and to prevent rudeness (e.g. it would be rude for my kid to go play video games inside when his guest isn't allowed to join).

Anyway, would you say something? Tell your kid "No, we're playing outside"? Head this off by saying yes or no first?

Why is your kid looking to you? Their house, their rules. I’d just tell your 11 year old who is well old enough to understand that they should accept the other parents rules. And perhaps part of this is that the other parent thinks you might be judgmental about the rules or her child’s behavior. She may be trying to smooth out the situation. Regardless, this isn’t a difference in parenting styles so don’t use that passive aggressive crap. You want to criticize her for not being consistent. Cool. You did. So just tell her hey it’s easier for my kid if we just make a decision and stick with it or he gets anxious. I mean, he’s 11, so I don’t know what’s going on. Why are you two watching them so closely?

In the video game situation, her kid came over after swim team. Kids had gone off for a bike ride, came back, had lunch and were hanging out in the backyard when mom came to pick up, and we ended up sitting outside chatting. Kids came over and asked it they could go inside. I am usually the “no play outside” parent, but it was hot and they’d played a lot. Kids were looking at us because that’s how it works, when they want permission to do something they come and talk to the adult who can grant permission, which involves looking at them.

[Anonymous]

I’d tell my kid that they need to follow our family rules regardless of the other family. Additionally, they may need to follow the other family’s rules when socializing together out of courtesy and respect, but that if the other family chooses to waive the rule on their own (without lobbying from my child), then the rule is waived for mine as well. It should be clear that my child shouldn’t lobby to overturn the other families rules, and that neither complaints from my child or the other child should be expected to overturn my rules.

That being said, my kids know that while fits will always work against them, there is room for calm, reasoned negotiation. For example, if I tell them we’re leaving in five minutes and they politely ask for a little extra time to finish their game, etc., I would probably give it to them, unless there was a specific reason not to. If the other mom said they needed to wrap up in five minutes, I’d respect that and back them up, but if they reconsidered and my kid had acted properly and wanted the extra time, I’d probably allow it. On the other hand, if my kid acted up, the activity would be immediately over, and we would wait to repeat the activity or socialize again with anyone until I felt the child had learned that fits were completely unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG. Are we really talking about 11y old kids here?

Seriously. By this age, I had my period and was working as a babysitter.