Food preferences and family vacations

[Anonymous]

We’re on a trip with DH’s sister and our two families: four adults and three children (ages 6, 6, 4). Fun!

In general we’re an ‘eat when we’re hungry’ family. Our dinner might be at 4:30pm if we had an early lunch, or we might eat after 7pm if we were out for the day. SIL’s family is a set meal time family: breakfast at dawn when their kids get up, lunch at 11am, dinner at 5pm, lots of snacks between meals.

For some reason, I find trips with them stressful because of the food situation. At 10am they’re wondering what’s for lunch. If their kids don’t eat the whole plate of food, they spoon feed them. They use sweets as rewards. Their kids are picky and prefer food on separate plates for everything, so each meal uses literally dozens of dishes. When we cook dinner, the second it’s completed, they fill up (multiple) dishes of food for their kids and ensure that their kids are eating before anyone else. Yesterday I was chopping a tomato for a salad and SIL scooped up the tomato and announced it was for her children … so no tomato for the salad because it was the only one, and no tomato for my child because her two kids need it all. I brought out nuts to snack on once, but SIL called them improper snacks. I munched on chips one evening and was told to put them away because her kids will see them and want them and she doesn’t like to say no too much.

AITA for feeling weird about the food thing? I know my examples above are minor annoyances, but it makes planning anything but meals difficult. How could we possibly take an 11am boat ride? That’s lunchtime! Sunset at the beach? No way, that will interfere with dinner!

If it were up to me, I’d eat out for most meals while on vacation. I don’t love cooking or cleaning or catering to demands about which bowls to use. But for household harmony I bite my tongue and do my fair share of cooking and cleaning. (I put my foot down on using three bowls for one bowl of cereal.) For future trips, can I propose separate houses? Do I just need to lighten up? Can I object to splitting the food costs 50-50 if they eat 75% of the food?

TL; DR - How does one handle trips with families that approach food differently than one’s family?

[Anonymous]

Your SIL sounds rude and uptight. I’d get separate accommodations next time.

[Anonymous]

You feed your family, she feeds hers. Nothing wrong with a schedule to feed kids.

[Anonymous]

Your SIL is beyond rude, and you need to stop her and say: "sorry, that tomato is for the salad" (unless she bought it herself and you're doing separate foods for each family).

We're a set meal-time type of family, but we would never appropriate food like this! My kids eat when the meal is ready and everyone is at the table.

I wouldn't vacation with such people again.

[Anonymous]

Everything doesn’t need to be together. You want to go on the boat ride at 11? Go and let them know when you’ll be back. You want to go out to eat? Go, invite them or go without them. It is best not to eat food that the other kids can’t eat ( it’s just rude), but it’s ok, because you’ll spend time away from them as well. A tomato? God, who cares, give her the freaking tomato if she wants it so bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your SIL sounds rude and uptight. I’d get separate accommodations next time.

+1 Or at the very least I'd put my foot down. "No, the tomato is for the salad." "I will eat chips when I like, thanks."

[Anonymous]

Well one tomato for 7 people is a bit hard to portion, but you could have said "Please just take half as there's only one for everyone to share"

What is preventing you from eating out without them? Just declare you're doing X night out and Y night for takeout if they want to join you. They can opt to eat in (and make it themselves) if they prefer.

[Anonymous]

This is your wake up call. Never share a house with her again. She's beyond rude. The gall to snatch the tomato while you're prepping? And telling you what you can and cannot snack on? She's a pill.

[Anonymous]

I am in the meantime camp in general but have flexibility. Waiting til hungry wouldn’t work as we wouldn’t all be hungry at the same time. Having said that, we take food out with us. Boat ride at 11, great we’ll have a picnic on the boat. Sunset cruise would be dinner beforehand. The tomato thing is rude and so is the chips comment. My kid knows that different families have different rules and sometimes it’s time her benefit and sometimes it’s not……

[Anonymous]

OP, if it's important for you for family vacations to work with both families together, you need to work out an agreement/compromise about ground rules around eating/meals and then let go of the judgment on all sides.

For example, when you're feeding a crowd on vacation, it's extremely reasonable to wonder about lunch at 10 am - just like you might talk about activities for the next day the night before. It's also reasonable to eat nuts for a snack and for adults to eat chips when they want. If your family eats dinner at 7:30 and it's your night to cook, but SIL knows her kids get hungry at 5:30, it's reasonable for her to give them some food early.

My ground rules in your situation would include things like:
-Each family is responsible for their own breakfast and lunch unless plans dictate otherwise
-Each family is responsible for clearing/cleaning their own dishes from the meal
-One family cooks dinner each night and it is on the table by (agreed upon time). Whoever cooks also cleans (and gets the next night off).
-Kids are served the food that is on offer for dinner and if they cannot eat it for some reason, they can have an alternative (ideally, whoever is cooking include some element that all the kids will eat).
-Adults do not police one another's eating (unless something is specifically designated for a dinner)

Or you agree to do activities together but meals separately because your styles are too incompatible. But adults still don't police one another's eating.

[Anonymous]

Sounds very stressful. I feel for you OP.

[Anonymous]

Next time get rentals next to each other! When my kids were young they would melt down when hungry, so we tried to stick to regular-ish meals. But I would never dictate when or what someone else can eat.

[Anonymous]

I would just never vacation with that family again. Oh, and if someone told me, AN ADULT, to stop eating something, I would laugh and continue doing WHATEVER I WANTED. Because again, I'm an adult and can do that.

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread complaining about family members that are rude and unreasonable.

It's so hard to believe that so many posters just can't stand up for themselves and their own children. That anyone would tell you not to eat something suggests that you are a doormat to them. Yes, she is rude -- but you have allowed it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. FYI I did not stop eating the chips. I love chips. And peanuts. And 9pm dinners.

We rarely see SIL + family, and it’s good for the cousins to get together, and I actually like SIL when food is not involved. In the future, separate houses will be better for everyone’s sanity.