Struggling lately-parenting is a slog-when will we turn the corner?

[Anonymous]

I’m struggling with parenting my 2 kids, ages 5 and 2.5. The 2.5 yo has special needs and takes medication that causes tantrums/meltdowns.

I work full time and have a full time nanny. I really enjoy my job.

I don’t know what’s going on lately but I’m just so worn down. This age combination is killing me. It’s Friday afternoon and I’m dreading the weekend. I hate weekends and love Monday mornings when the nanny takes over.

I’m not looking for tips, but maybe predictions? When will we turn the corner?

My 5 yo is actually delightful and not too hard. The 2.5 year old is very hard, and the two of them together is downright excruciating.

My DH is only moderately helpful. He’s very checked out. Please don’t try to give advice on how to change him-it isn’t possible. It is what it is. I’ve had periods like this before but never ones that have lasted so long.

Will 3 and 5 be better? 4 and 6? What’s the longest rut you’ve been in-where it all felt like a slog? How did you pull yourself out?

I’m on antidepressants and have a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you are having some down feelings. Can you get out into nature some. Even a short 20 minute hike can boost your spirits some.
And, please do not get pregnant again.

[Anonymous]

4 and 6 is better. Or whenever your older child learns to read or play for long periods independently.

Does your DH step up when alone with the children?

I would strongly consider a Saturday AM babysitter until you get your feet under you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you are having some down feelings. Can you get out into nature some. Even a short 20 minute hike can boost your spirits some.
And, please do not get pregnant again.

Op here. Definitely no more babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 and 6 is better. Or whenever your older child learns to read or play for long periods independently.

Does your DH step up when alone with the children?

I would strongly consider a Saturday AM babysitter until you get your feet under you.

Op here. DH doesn’t step up, no. At best he will plop them in front of the TV for several hours if I need to leave. That’s all I can get from him. We’ve done counseling. No I didn’t have a way of foreseeing this prior to marriage.

I’ve just got to do what I can within the parameters of my life, I can’t get my DH to participate.

I’ll try the Saturday morning babysitter, I just feel guilty for not being with my kids during that time.

[Anonymous]

What specifically is getting you down? Just the slog of other humans needing constant care? I get that. I think it will get a lot better for you when they can read on their own, play with friends on their own etc.

I know you don't want marriage advice and I won't give it, but...can you give DH specific things to do with the kids? Like what happened if you say take them to the park for an hour? Will he do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 and 6 is better. Or whenever your older child learns to read or play for long periods independently.

Does your DH step up when alone with the children?

I would strongly consider a Saturday AM babysitter until you get your feet under you.

Op here. DH doesn’t step up, no. At best he will plop them in front of the TV for several hours if I need to leave. That’s all I can get from him. We’ve done counseling. No I didn’t have a way of foreseeing this prior to marriage.

I’ve just got to do what I can within the parameters of my life, I can’t get my DH to participate.

I’ll try the Saturday morning babysitter, I just feel guilty for not being with my kids during that time.

Can you send him places with the kids? He can take the 5 yo grocery shopping or to Home Depot. He can take both kids to the pool or a playground.

[Anonymous]

4 and 6 is 1000000% better than 2.5 and 5. No question. My kids can disappear for 5 hours on a Saturday afternoon into imaginary play, only reappearing for snacks.

[Anonymous]

Playdates save my sanity on weekends. I invite over another mother that I actually like, lay out snacks, and we'll chat while the kids play. Sometimes the dads join too. It's a nice break from being the entertainment.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a kid with profound special needs, a lot is going to depend on what the outcomes look like for your youngest. I’ve been doing this for 12 years and here is what helps me. My second kid is easy also.

1. I have a more helpful husband. But honestly at those ages, he would have just turned the TV on also. This isn’t actually the worst thing in the world. Come to terms with that.

2. I work full time, have a full time nanny and have evening and weekend sitters. The fact is that my kid’s situation means I have a baby forever. We have to have someone with that kid at all times so we have someone here most of her waking hours as the “third man” so we can live a somewhat normal lifestyle. This actually has been more important as kid #2 has gotten older and wants to do family things that my special needs kid cannot participate in.

3. I’ve accepted that my special needs kids has to be in a variety of meds to balance things out. If one med is causing a behavioral problem, I strongly suggest talking to your doctor about some med that can help offset that. We had 18 months a few years ago where my kid screamed every waking moment of the day until we found the right meds.

4. Make sure you have a team of specialists that can help with whatever the issues are that your child has.

Clearly, my situation is extreme. I hope your is not as extreme, but I hope some of these suggestions are helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What specifically is getting you down? Just the slog of other humans needing constant care? I get that. I think it will get a lot better for you when they can read on their own, play with friends on their own etc.

I know you don't want marriage advice and I won't give it, but...can you give DH specific things to do with the kids? Like what happened if you say take them to the park for an hour? Will he do it?

Op here. The slog of other humans needing constant care. It feels like it will never let up. I am very tired and down.

If I absolutely INSIST (like almost to the point of threatening divorce), then DH will very grudgingly take them to the park for one hour, but not a minute more. Sometimes they will return from the park after less than 30 minutes, when it took almost an hour just to get everyone ready and out the door. There will never be any tenacity or momentum on his end-every instance of him doing these things requires the same amount of relentless straight up aggressive beotch mode from me. I cannot sustain that so I basically just live my life with my children independently and have no expectations.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your real problem is with your DH. What if you just said you were going to a wedding/party/other made-up event out of town one weekend? He would have no choice but to take the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically is getting you down? Just the slog of other humans needing constant care? I get that. I think it will get a lot better for you when they can read on their own, play with friends on their own etc.

I know you don't want marriage advice and I won't give it, but...can you give DH specific things to do with the kids? Like what happened if you say take them to the park for an hour? Will he do it?

Op here. The slog of other humans needing constant care. It feels like it will never let up. I am very tired and down.

If I absolutely INSIST (like almost to the point of threatening divorce), then DH will very grudgingly take them to the park for one hour, but not a minute more. Sometimes they will return from the park after less than 30 minutes, when it took almost an hour just to get everyone ready and out the door. There will never be any tenacity or momentum on his end-every instance of him doing these things requires the same amount of relentless straight up aggressive beotch mode from me. I cannot sustain that so I basically just live my life with my children independently and have no expectations.

I'm so sorry. It will get better. Make him do 100% of stuff that isn't kid related. He does all the grocery shopping, bill paying, picking up dry cleaning, everything.

[Anonymous]

OP - TV isn’t the devil. If you need a break and that means your kids watch some educational TV for a few hours on Saturday morning, leave and don’t feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I think your issue is your DH. I’m sorry that really sucks. I would embrace TV. We have three — almost 7, almost 4, and just turned 2. I have an insanely helpful DH and no special needs, but I can sympathize with what your wrote. Parenting is just tough. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need fo get through these tough years.