Struggling lately-parenting is a slog-when will we turn the corner?

[Anonymous]

OP, TV is the lesser evil here. Spend 30 minutes identifying the highest quality shows and let them enjoy. Remember that your own mental health is what's holding this whole thing together, and you must protect that above all other considerations.

I was raised with zero TV and I promise you I am no smarter or healthier than anyone else. My own mother told me she regrets being so strict about screen time, all it did was make me ignorant of cultural references. Ok?

[Anonymous]

OP, can you at least let one kid watch TV while you give the other kid some 1:1 attention? Less guilt that way and it may help with behavior and attention-seeking. Mr. Rogers episodes are in YouTube as is Sesame Street. The new show Bluey is great. And there is Magic School Bus. So many great, thoughtfully created shows. It's nothing to feel bad about when you're in a tight spot.

5 is right on the cusp of reading and playing Legos independently. A year from now you may be enduring a 3.5 year old, but your older child will be far more self-entertaining. It will get easier soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically is getting you down? Just the slog of other humans needing constant care? I get that. I think it will get a lot better for you when they can read on their own, play with friends on their own etc.

I know you don't want marriage advice and I won't give it, but...can you give DH specific things to do with the kids? Like what happened if you say take them to the park for an hour? Will he do it?

Op here. The slog of other humans needing constant care. It feels like it will never let up. I am very tired and down.

If I absolutely INSIST (like almost to the point of threatening divorce), then DH will very grudgingly take them to the park for one hour, but not a minute more. Sometimes they will return from the park after less than 30 minutes, when it took almost an hour just to get everyone ready and out the door. There will never be any tenacity or momentum on his end-every instance of him doing these things requires the same amount of relentless straight up aggressive beotch mode from me. I cannot sustain that so I basically just live my life with my children independently and have no expectations.

It lets up. Rather, the challenges change.

The 5yo will becomes easier once they can read to themselves. Once both kids can read it will get even better - they’ll have access to all kinds of entertainment that you no longer have to decided for them. They can use google and look things up - it’s amazing.

Also - consider divorce. It may sound extreme, but I found that once I was only responsible for my child, and not my useless ex, it got a lot easier to have fun with and enjoy my child because I didn’t have that critical other person who was worse than a dead weight.

[Anonymous]

Let your husband be the father that he wants to be not the father you want him to be. If your kids are safe in his care then that is enough. The manner in which he interacts with them may change as they get older and more interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What specifically is getting you down? Just the slog of other humans needing constant care? I get that. I think it will get a lot better for you when they can read on their own, play with friends on their own etc.

I know you don't want marriage advice and I won't give it, but...can you give DH specific things to do with the kids? Like what happened if you say take them to the park for an hour? Will he do it?

Op here. The slog of other humans needing constant care. It feels like it will never let up. I am very tired and down.

If I absolutely INSIST (like almost to the point of threatening divorce), then DH will very grudgingly take them to the park for one hour, but not a minute more. Sometimes they will return from the park after less than 30 minutes, when it took almost an hour just to get everyone ready and out the door. There will never be any tenacity or momentum on his end-every instance of him doing these things requires the same amount of relentless straight up aggressive beotch mode from me. I cannot sustain that so I basically just live my life with my children independently and have no expectations.

It lets up. Rather, the challenges change.

The 5yo will becomes easier once they can read to themselves. Once both kids can read it will get even better - they’ll have access to all kinds of entertainment that you no longer have to decided for them. They can use google and look things up - it’s amazing.

Also - consider divorce. It may sound extreme, but I found that once I was only responsible for my child, and not my useless ex, it got a lot easier to have fun with and enjoy my child because I didn’t have that critical other person who was worse than a dead weight.

NP with a nearly identical situation to OP...only difference is I don't have a child with SN. Consider divorce only if you are comfortable with your DH being responsible for the children 50% of the time. The reason I'm NOT considering divorce is that I know he would get split custody, and I don't trust him to actually take care of the kids during that time.
I basically just assume that I will be sole care provider to our two girls. Any help I get from DH, when he can muster the energy to involve himself in family life, is just a bonus. It helps me feel better prepared and less angry to just assume I will be doing everything on my own to begin with.
And...no, OP, I didnt see this coming with my DH, either, so you arent alone in that. For the several years we dated prior to marriage, he spoke frequently about wanting to start a family and have kids. I was blindsided.

[Anonymous]

OP, honestly what are you doing to fix your relationship or end it? Your kids are still little, it is not sustainable.

[Anonymous]

Can you join a pool? Water tires out kids so fast!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband be the father that he wants to be not the father you want him to be. If your kids are safe in his care then that is enough. The manner in which he interacts with them may change as they get older and more interesting.[/quote

This is annoying and dumb advice. Go away.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. I have a nearly three year old and a nine month old who’s a fast crawler. They’re killing me. And my baby is crap sleeper. All I do on weekends when we’re home is try to keep the baby from wanting everything the older child has. Going out is a huge hassle as the baby hates the stroller and car seat.
I feel like a failure all the time. Our nanny is struggling too.

Luckily, DH handles everything else - clean up and meals. I still can’t bathe them alone. When DH has a business dinner, our nanny works late.

[Anonymous]

If you get a divorce you will get a break 50% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you get a divorce you will get a break 50% of the time.

Or dad won't want the kids 50% of the time. My ex never takes the kids. I have them 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Ages 4 and 6 is so, so much better.

I recommend signing the 5 year old up for different sports so that weekends involve you taking him to a soccer game and the 2.5 year old runs around some. It tires one of them out at least. Afterwards I would take them to lunch, playground, maybe an errand or two and then they are pretty much toast the rest of the day.

[Anonymous]

It does get easier OP. My boys are 4 & 6 and I don't need to watch them like hawks anymore. But, parenting can be exhausting, especially if you're bearing the brunt of all the labor.

1. Make sure that you get downtime during the weekend days.

What we've done is enforce a 60 minute quiet time, and if they do that successfully, they get a 30 min video after. That pretty much ensures I get 90 minutes of time more or less to relax.

Not sure if your 2.5 year old is still napping, but enforcing quiet time for your older DS during that time would get you some downtime.

Or, hire someone for a couple hours every Sunday morning or something.

2. Go outside.

For some reason, parenting is easier for me when the kids are outside. A hike, a playground, the pool, whatever.

3. Play with friends.

Same as the above. Parenting is generally easier somehow during a playdate.

Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

And by the way, you're smart to realize that you're not going to get any help, and that you can't change your DH.

Better to just accept it and plan for what you need.

Don't feel guilty about not being able to go 24/7 on the weekends. It's totally ok to have some help, esp if you're not getting it from your DH.

[Anonymous]

I have a 4 and 2 yo and a husband that needs a lot of “time to decompress”’on weekends (which obviously comes at my expense). So I hired a college student for a full weekend day - I still spend most of the time with my kids (she plays with the oldest while the younger naps in the afternoon so I do get a couple hours of down time) and it makes the whole day less stressful to have another set of hands and be able to divide up the kids more to get some 1:1 fun time with each. Still resent that this much help is necessary but saves me each weekend