Spouses whose depression/anxiety got better over time

[Anonymous]

Just looking for some hopeful stories. Spouse is in another depressive episode and it’s really bringing me down and stretching me thin.

[Anonymous]

I was that spouse OP. Unfortunately, until they really commit to getting help there isn't much you can do. For me, I was tired of living in the loop I was living in. Depressed, felt like a terrible wife and mom. Got more depressed. Felt even more like a terrible wife and mom. Said I was going to change it. Over compensated. Got depressed again because inevitably I would slip up from the "perfect mom and wife" persona that I created. And the loop continued. One day, during the depressive "i'm a terrible mom" phase, I asked DS if he had a good day because I had felt like I was ignoring him, etc etc. DS' response was basiclaly "yeah, we played outside with the dog. You played video games with me. We ordered pizza for dinner". It forced me to change my perspective. And I decided I wanted to get out of the loop.

I committed to therapy and techniques to manage my anxiety and depression (I did not get on meds). Now, I still get lows and anxiety at times. But I Know how to handle them and know how to stop myself from spiraling.

[Anonymous]

Like PP, I was the depressed spouse.

Things that helped that spouse did:

1. Starting making a big effort to get kids out of the house on saturdays so I could have some alone time. I need time away from both kids and spouse.

2. Started having fewer expectations of me; he no longer has opinions about how I load the dishwasher, what kind of food I make for dinner, etc., and really steps up when I get depressed or anxious. He used to get frustrated with me when I got anxious or depressed rather than putting the blame on my mental illnesses.

Basically he just kind of backed off, which reduced the additional burden I was experiencing that came from knowing I was disappointing him.

Things I did:

1. Went to a mental hospital, got a diagnosis and on meds

2. Take those meds and see a psychiatrist regularly

3. Have frozen dinners on hand (pizza, lasagna) for when I am really anxious

4. Use my alone time to do things that help my mental health instead of wasting that time

5. I now have fewer expectations of my husband; I don’t take it personally when he is frustrated when I am depressed or anxious.

I am so sorry, OP. It’s such a difficult dynamic. I hope your spouse can get the help they need.

[Anonymous]

I have written here about my dh's depression before and how it has wrecked our marriage. It has gotten better but it is also cyclical.
What has worked has been really focusing on getting him out of the house and finding a hobby. We have had a lot of false starts and spent lots of money trying to find something he enjoys.
Also, and I realize that this isn't fair to me, but I pick up a lot of slack in the marriage. I do a lot of the home stuff which tends to throw him in a funk. It is a trade off between me forcing an issue on him splitting the chores and having him sleep for a week.
Therapy has been somewhat helpful but not really. Meds help a bit. Being honest about how the depression impacts me has helped some and at least gets him out of bed.

I no longer allow him to blame me for everything or to wallow to me about how he is a horrible person. I recognize what I can talk to him about and what I can't. Once he starts down the "I am a terrible father...husband, etc" conversation, I am done. There is no point and in a way, it is a convenient out for him rather than facing the issue head on. So, I also protect myself. I have a great therapist too.

I have also been honest with my child. He is 13 and a year or so ago, I sat him down and told him about my dh's depression. I didn't want him to think this was a normal marriage or a normal situation but I did want him to believe that you stick by people you love.

Good luck - hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I had very severe depression before having children. Not since then, 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have written here about my dh's depression before and how it has wrecked our marriage. It has gotten better but it is also cyclical.
What has worked has been really focusing on getting him out of the house and finding a hobby. We have had a lot of false starts and spent lots of money trying to find something he enjoys.
Also, and I realize that this isn't fair to me, but I pick up a lot of slack in the marriage. I do a lot of the home stuff which tends to throw him in a funk. It is a trade off between me forcing an issue on him splitting the chores and having him sleep for a week.
Therapy has been somewhat helpful but not really. Meds help a bit. Being honest about how the depression impacts me has helped some and at least gets him out of bed.

I no longer allow him to blame me for everything or to wallow to me about how he is a horrible person. I recognize what I can talk to him about and what I can't. Once he starts down the "I am a terrible father...husband, etc" conversation, I am done. There is no point and in a way, it is a convenient out for him rather than facing the issue head on. So, I also protect myself. I have a great therapist too.

I have also been honest with my child. He is 13 and a year or so ago, I sat him down and told him about my dh's depression. I didn't want him to think this was a normal marriage or a normal situation but I did want him to believe that you stick by people you love.

Good luck - hang in there.

This sounds so much like my life, except I need a therapist. -OP

[Anonymous]

I’m having a depression episode and feel so judged by my DH. Like excuse me it’s not reasonable to go your entire life and not be depressed for at least a few months. It’s ok to grieve and be sad and be frustrated. I’ve never been depressed before and feel like I want to get out on my own, not because my husband will leave me if I don’t snap out of it. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

My wife said she had anxiety not depression. Our marriage counselor said my wife had depression too, but mostly blocked it out. I don't know if that's possible. However, she did become less anxious and maybe less depressed after getting on meds. She also got much less sexual. That was actually the more noticeable change to me. I guess she's happier.

[Anonymous]

Anti anxiety meds helped. No depression.

[Anonymous]

A few things have helped her a lot:

1) my mother lives in the area and loves taking care of kids even for multiple days, and the kids like it too, so we started taking advantage of that and leaving the kids with her for multiple days at a time so we can do stuff like road trips etc

2) she got a medical marijuana card and started vaporizing weed and eating edibles and it has helped her big time. She never used weed before because she grew up thinking it was for bums and lazy people and she’s a very hard worker, but she decided to give it a try and it has made a difference and she found that she loves it

3) I quit working and have transitioned into being a stay at home dad essentially. In my 20’s I made some lucky investments and had a solid financial windfall being patient with them and now don’t really have to work because I have enough financial firepower to do whatever, and I love being the chef, baby sitter, and house maintainer. This takes a lot of pressure off of her. I recognize that not everyone can do this but it’s worth noting as this is my experience

4) We started doing kinkier sex stuff. She has always been a bit prude / sex shy and I’ve worked on getting her into stuff like anal just to mention one and it’s really caused her to open up (no pun intended) and relieve stress.

Best of luck OP