The 2.5 yr old contrary-phase is killing me.

[Anonymous]

DS has become contrary about everything. Examples:

Me: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
Me: do you want to wait a few minutes
DS: I don’t want to wait. I want lunch now.
Me: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
Me: we are. See?
DS: those are not noodles.

We do this all fricking day. “Look! There’s the trash truck”. “That’s not a trash truck.”

When does this end?!!

[Anonymous]

It doesn't....mine is 6 and still contrarian. Just in a different, more sophisticated way.

[Anonymous]

He’s just flexing his verbal muscles more than anything else. This is how he’s trying to engage you in conversation. Also there’s a bit of control in there. Perfectly normal and actually healthy.

He’ll be done with this phase in a few months.

[Anonymous]

My DD started to come out of this at 3.5 (I know, it sounds like an eternity). It's partly that they learn more about how conversation works and can engage ideas in more productive ways, and it's partly that you learn how to handle it better.

I got really good at offering choice questions ("do you want to eat now or read a book first?") instead of something more open ended ("do you want to wait a few minutes?"). It's harder for them to be contrary when deciding between two choices. And sometimes you just don't give choices at all. So the conversation can go like this:

You: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
You: oh, okay, well I'm going to eat anyway
DS: me too! don't start without me
You: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
You: oh really? then these must be MY favorite noodles! Yum yum yum.
DS: no mommy, these are my favorite noodles too!

It's like a skill to not engage the contrarianism, but also to keep it light and moving things forward. It really helps because this stage is all about them asserting independence, and you have to find a way to allow them to be independent without allowing it to derail you. Let him choose when he eats lunch, but don't let it impact your schedule. Let him decide if something is his favorite or not, but that doesn't mean you have to cater to him or change things because he's suddenly decided he hates something he used to love. Let him be in charge of his body and his brain, but you're still in charge of the big picture because you are the grown up.

[Anonymous]

I never engage. My husband argues back and I get mad, what's the point!

Her: applesauce please mama
Me: ok here's your applesauce
Her: I SAID NO APPLESAUCE
Me: [leave it on the table and go do something else]
Her: eats the applesauce

She just wants to argue, I don't argue back

[Anonymous]

You have a good couple months of this. PP is right. Don’t get into a yes-it-is-no-it-isn’t with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: “Look! There’s the trash truck”. “That’s not a trash truck.”

Ha ha ha OP this brings back fun memories of that age. It's like they trained in Soviet propaganda techniques, isn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD started to come out of this at 3.5 (I know, it sounds like an eternity). It's partly that they learn more about how conversation works and can engage ideas in more productive ways, and it's partly that you learn how to handle it better.

I got really good at offering choice questions ("do you want to eat now or read a book first?") instead of something more open ended ("do you want to wait a few minutes?"). It's harder for them to be contrary when deciding between two choices. And sometimes you just don't give choices at all. So the conversation can go like this:

You: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
You: oh, okay, well I'm going to eat anyway
DS: me too! don't start without me
You: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
You: oh really? then these must be MY favorite noodles! Yum yum yum.
DS: no mommy, these are my favorite noodles too!

It's like a skill to not engage the contrarianism, but also to keep it light and moving things forward. It really helps because this stage is all about them asserting independence, and you have to find a way to allow them to be independent without allowing it to derail you. Let him choose when he eats lunch, but don't let it impact your schedule. Let him decide if something is his favorite or not, but that doesn't mean you have to cater to him or change things because he's suddenly decided he hates something he used to love. Let him be in charge of his body and his brain, but you're still in charge of the big picture because you are the grown up.

Great post, PP. Hone your skills and keep it light. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you get used to it and good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “Look! There’s the trash truck”. “That’s not a trash truck.”

Ha ha ha OP this brings back fun memories of that age. It's like they trained in Soviet propaganda techniques, isn't it?

So true!!

[Anonymous]

Obviously this won't work for everything, but you can also try to reframe
and let the kid fill in the blank. For example, you can point to the trash truck and say, "Look! What's over there? What is it doing?"

Hopefully the phase doesn't last too long for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS has become contrary about everything. Examples:

Me: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
Me: do you want to wait a few minutes
DS: I don’t want to wait. I want lunch now.
Me: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
Me: we are. See?
DS: those are not noodles.

We do this all fricking day. “Look! There’s the trash truck”. “That’s not a trash truck.”

When does this end?!!

Stop engaging.

You: It's lunchtime.
Child: No it's not.
You:

Child won't know how to respond. You put lunch on the table. If he's hungry, he'll eat. If not, he'll wait.

Stop making statements that aren't necessary. Ask questions that allow him to show you what he knows, like "What's that? I think I hear something."

Also, give more choices. This is a cry for independence.

[Anonymous]

Yesssssss. It is the worst. Mine couples it with asking dumb questions on purpose to get a rise:

Her, pointing to the cat, grinning: Mom, is this the dog?
Me: No. you know that is the cat.
Her: No. It’s the dog. Say it’s the dog, mommy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD started to come out of this at 3.5 (I know, it sounds like an eternity). It's partly that they learn more about how conversation works and can engage ideas in more productive ways, and it's partly that you learn how to handle it better.

I got really good at offering choice questions ("do you want to eat now or read a book first?") instead of something more open ended ("do you want to wait a few minutes?"). It's harder for them to be contrary when deciding between two choices. And sometimes you just don't give choices at all. So the conversation can go like this:

You: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
You: oh, okay, well I'm going to eat anyway
DS: me too! don't start without me
You: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
You: oh really? then these must be MY favorite noodles! Yum yum yum.
DS: no mommy, these are my favorite noodles too!

It's like a skill to not engage the contrarianism, but also to keep it light and moving things forward. It really helps because this stage is all about them asserting independence, and you have to find a way to allow them to be independent without allowing it to derail you. Let him choose when he eats lunch, but don't let it impact your schedule. Let him decide if something is his favorite or not, but that doesn't mean you have to cater to him or change things because he's suddenly decided he hates something he used to love. Let him be in charge of his body and his brain, but you're still in charge of the big picture because you are the grown up.

Somehow I hadn’t realized this was a thing but what the above poster suggests is what I do and it works! Right now everything is self centered and “me first” with DC. So the last two lines above will always end the issue.

You: Oh, you don’t want the milk. Okay I’ll drink it
DS: No, it’s my milk (proceeds to drink)

Works every time.

[Anonymous]

My 2.5 year old will default say no to everything, then reconsider. I make a game out of it by saying "Do you want a million dollars" or "No everything?"

[Anonymous]

It's a tricky phase, because they work themselves up pretty quickly. We had moderate success with giving options instead of telling them what we're doing, or not engaging if a tantrum starts.