The 2.5 yr old contrary-phase is killing me.

[Anonymous]

Laugh about it. Then play along with him and purposely mis- identify things. I've done that with my kids and tell them how silly-gilly they are.

It is annoying, I remember. Adults are very literal people and kids are not. So when something is contrary iit really bothers us. Kids, no so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never engage. My husband argues back and I get mad, what's the point!

Her: applesauce please mama
Me: ok here's your applesauce
Her: I SAID NO APPLESAUCE
Me: [leave it on the table and go do something else]
Her: eats the applesauce

She just wants to argue, I don't argue back

This sums it up really well. Do not engage.

[Anonymous]

Oh, man, the memories! My older son was the worst. We’d ask him if he meant it or was that response just part of his contrary phase and he’d generally answer, “it’s just part of my contrary phase!” And laugh.

If it means anything, he’s a super smart kid and a sweetheart now at 14.

[Anonymous]

You keep sending the volley back! Of course he is responding like this.

I like to take us into the ridiculous when my kids get like this. "Oh my! You're right! It's not noodles. IT'S WORMS!!!"

Then they roll their eyes and you win. Hooray.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, keep it fun. And people telling you stuff is annoying, to adults and children. So stop telling, and just engage instead. Use questions:

"look at the trash truck!"
"that's not a trash truck!"
"Oh no? What is it then?"
"A GARBAGE truck."
"Oh really? Whats the difference?"

The fun it's-not-noodles-its-worms approach works really well, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesssssss. It is the worst. Mine couples it with asking dumb questions on purpose to get a rise:

Her, pointing to the cat, grinning: Mom, is this the dog?
Me: No. you know that is the cat.
Her: No. It’s the dog. Say it’s the dog, mommy.

She's looking for a reaction. Respond with a question?

Her: Is that a dog?
You: Does it have 4 legs? Does it have a tail? Does it have fur? Do you think it's a dog? What else could it be? Could it be a mouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD started to come out of this at 3.5 (I know, it sounds like an eternity). It's partly that they learn more about how conversation works and can engage ideas in more productive ways, and it's partly that you learn how to handle it better.

I got really good at offering choice questions ("do you want to eat now or read a book first?") instead of something more open ended ("do you want to wait a few minutes?"). It's harder for them to be contrary when deciding between two choices. And sometimes you just don't give choices at all. So the conversation can go like this:

You: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
You: oh, okay, well I'm going to eat anyway
DS: me too! don't start without me
You: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
You: oh really? then these must be MY favorite noodles! Yum yum yum.
DS: no mommy, these are my favorite noodles too!

It's like a skill to not engage the contrarianism, but also to keep it light and moving things forward. It really helps because this stage is all about them asserting independence, and you have to find a way to allow them to be independent without allowing it to derail you. Let him choose when he eats lunch, but don't let it impact your schedule. Let him decide if something is his favorite or not, but that doesn't mean you have to cater to him or change things because he's suddenly decided he hates something he used to love. Let him be in charge of his body and his brain, but you're still in charge of the big picture because you are the grown up.

Somehow I hadn’t realized this was a thing but what the above poster suggests is what I do and it works! Right now everything is self centered and “me first” with DC. So the last two lines above will always end the issue.

You: Oh, you don’t want the milk. Okay I’ll drink it
DS: No, it’s my milk (proceeds to drink)

Works every time.

Kids don't want to leave the park. "I'm going to get there first!" Kids take off running to beat me while I'm slowly taking my time and grinning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD started to come out of this at 3.5 (I know, it sounds like an eternity). It's partly that they learn more about how conversation works and can engage ideas in more productive ways, and it's partly that you learn how to handle it better.

I got really good at offering choice questions ("do you want to eat now or read a book first?") instead of something more open ended ("do you want to wait a few minutes?"). It's harder for them to be contrary when deciding between two choices. And sometimes you just don't give choices at all. So the conversation can go like this:

You: it’s lunch time
DS: no, it’s not lunch time
You: oh, okay, well I'm going to eat anyway
DS: me too! don't start without me
You: we’re having you favorite noodles
DS: no, we’re not.
You: oh really? then these must be MY favorite noodles! Yum yum yum.
DS: no mommy, these are my favorite noodles too!

It's like a skill to not engage the contrarianism, but also to keep it light and moving things forward. It really helps because this stage is all about them asserting independence, and you have to find a way to allow them to be independent without allowing it to derail you. Let him choose when he eats lunch, but don't let it impact your schedule. Let him decide if something is his favorite or not, but that doesn't mean you have to cater to him or change things because he's suddenly decided he hates something he used to love. Let him be in charge of his body and his brain, but you're still in charge of the big picture because you are the grown up.

Somehow I hadn’t realized this was a thing but what the above poster suggests is what I do and it works! Right now everything is self centered and “me first” with DC. So the last two lines above will always end the issue.

You: Oh, you don’t want the milk. Okay I’ll drink it
DS: No, it’s my milk (proceeds to drink)

Works every time.

Kids don't want to leave the park. "I'm going to get there first!" Kids take off running to beat me while I'm slowly taking my time and grinning.

Yes to this -- making something a game that they can win can really short-circuit the contrariness. I use this a lot in the mornings. Do you think we can get dressed in 20 seconds? Who can put on their shoes first? Can we get out of the house with touching anything but the floor? Can you help me count these steps down to the street - I can't remember how many there are! Etc.

The PP who said kids don't like being told things all the time is spot on. They want back-and-forth of some kind, and the no-yes back and forth is an easy one to create. So finding other ways to create a back and forth will help them get out of this habit, and realize yes-no isn't that fun. If you've ever done improv, try playing "yes, and" with them instead (google it if you don't know about it). It's way more fun for kids and can also spur creativity and problem solving.

[Anonymous]

That is totally normal. They are learning how to control their environment. They aren't old enough right now to know what they want and don't want. It's our job as parents to still take the lead. I would hold off on giving them choices right now, if that is how they are responding. The back and forth as you know just leads to more stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is totally normal. They are learning how to control their environment. They aren't old enough right now to know what they want and don't want. It's our job as parents to still take the lead. I would hold off on giving them choices right now, if that is how they are responding. The back and forth as you know just leads to more stress.

Actually, 2 choices works beautifully. If it’s time to go to the bathroom for a bath: “Are you going to hop like a bunny to the bath or jump like a frog?” For kids who repeatedly want to skip a step so they don’t have to do something: “Are you going to put your shoes on or carry them (on your head, if silliness gets a better response)?” For child who just wants to assert independence: “Do you want the pink spoon or the green spoon?”

I give choices for about 95% of the day. They don’t get to choose whether they get in the car seat, but they can choose how to get to the car and whether they climb in like a monkey or whether I put them in (not as fun!). Even in the parking lot, they can choose to hold my hand or sit in the cart on the way out, ride piggy back on the way in. When I say there’s no choice, this is the way it is, I get less pushback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is totally normal. They are learning how to control their environment. They aren't old enough right now to know what they want and don't want. It's our job as parents to still take the lead. I would hold off on giving them choices right now, if that is how they are responding. The back and forth as you know just leads to more stress.

Actually, 2 choices works beautifully. If it’s time to go to the bathroom for a bath: “Are you going to hop like a bunny to the bath or jump like a frog?” For kids who repeatedly want to skip a step so they don’t have to do something: “Are you going to put your shoes on or carry them (on your head, if silliness gets a better response)?” For child who just wants to assert independence: “Do you want the pink spoon or the green spoon?”

I give choices for about 95% of the day. They don’t get to choose whether they get in the car seat, but they can choose how to get to the car and whether they climb in like a monkey or whether I put them in (not as fun!). Even in the parking lot, they can choose to hold my hand or sit in the cart on the way out, ride piggy back on the way in. When I say there’s no choice, this is the way it is, I get less pushback.

NP- not all kids do well with choices. One of my kids gets overwhelmed with the decision making power and breaks down. Not every kid responds to this method.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesssssss. It is the worst. Mine couples it with asking dumb questions on purpose to get a rise:

Her, pointing to the cat, grinning: Mom, is this the dog?
Me: No. you know that is the cat.
Her: No. It’s the dog. Say it’s the dog, mommy.

I think this is the beginning of humor, and I'd play along.
Oh, yes indeed-o that's the dog. Good dog, dogs name! Want to go outside for a walk?" All said with humor in your voice, and a knowing grin that YOU know that SHE knows that it's the cat!

seriously - enjoy the beginnings of humor